omg omg omg omg omfg!!!

hahah guys look what i found. this came to me while i was doing the dishes. biasalah aku kan buat kerja tak lemah gemalai so while rearranging the pots and pans, keluarlah bunyi bunyian. dengan tiba-tiba - mulut aku menuturkan perkataan-perkataan ini satu persatu ;

she'd scour the pot and scrape the pan
and thooooooough her daddy would scream and shout!!

HAHAHA sapa ingat angkat tangan??!!!! (dengan semangat ahli kelas dua jaya mengangkat tangan) so i googled and found....

Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout
Would not take the garbage out!
She'd scour the pots and scrape the pans,
Candy the yams and spice the hams,
And though her daddy would scream and shout,
She simply would not take the garbage out.
And so it piled up to the ceilings:
Coffee grounds, potato peelings,
Brown bananas, rotten peas,
Chunks of sour cottage cheese.
It filled the can, it covered the floor,
It cracked the window and blocked the door
With bacon rinds and chicken bones,
Drippy ends of ice cream cones,
Prune pits, peach pits, orange peel,
Gloppy glumps of cold oatmeal,
Pizza crusts and withered greens,
Soggy beans and tangerines,
Crusts of black burned buttered toast,
Gristly bits of beefy roasts. . .
The garbage rolled on down the hall,
It raised the roof, it broke the wall. . .
Greasy napkins, cookie crumbs,
Globs of gooey bubble gum,
Cellophane from green baloney,
Rubbery blubbery macaroni,
Peanut butter, caked and dry,
Curdled milk and crusts of pie,
Moldy melons, dried-up mustard,
Eggshells mixed with lemon custard,
Cold french fried and rancid meat,
Yellow lumps of Cream of Wheat.
At last the garbage reached so high
That it finally touched the sky.
And all the neighbors moved away,
And none of her friends would come to play.
And finally Sarah Cynthia Stout said,
"OK, I'll take the garbage out!"
But then, of course, it was too late. . .
The garbage reached across the state,
From New York to the Golden Gate.
And there, in the garbage she did hate,
Poor Sarah met an awful fate,
That I cannot now relate
Because the hour is much too late.
But children, remember Sarah Stout
And always take the garbage out!

Shel Silverstein, 1974

WEEEE!


what a great day. the suns up, the winds blowing and all i need are sand, sea and surf to complete the day. heheh. no, seriously the most important thing that contributed to this bliss - the black out. had the most blackest black out last night. as in, black out otak. i couldnt get myself to sleep for a few days now, and last night, whoa. like, whoa. i woke up smiling, thats how great it was.




anyhoo im just wondering, how come i could be such a retard at times? happened to me couple of times;

i just sit, staring blankly at the wall, wondering what the hell i'm suppose to do next. i know i need to do something - pronto - but what?? should i text someone, should i pray, oh no scratch that, did that already. hmm should i go and eat? or.. ugh what??

oh yea. i know.

nak pergi berak jap.







supastik, kan??

memonteng kelas itu nikmat.

peperiksaan itu serabut.

mengayuh basikal itu kesakitan.

membeli barangan itu kebahagiaan.

bankrapsi itu sengsara.

lagha itu memusnahkan.

rabun (serta astig) itu tidak menyelesakan.

lagu lama (motown, rock n roll, 50s, 60s, 70s) itu menaikkan sheikh (hahah high??).

chia (andy chiavetta y'all) itu panas.

skimmboardin itu godaan.

dan cinta itu... pedih?

oh aku tidak tahu. rupanya Orkan Kyrill sedang meributi hampir seluruh Eropah.

aku sepatutnya ke kelas pagi tadi. malangnya ku terpassed out lalu terbangun lambat. bila ku buka mata, angin sepoi² sprache (bahasa) bertiup.

bila ku buka berita, ropanya Kyrill. tidaklah sesepoi yang kusangka.

tempatku. 1 Knot = 1.85 km/h

fuhh ini adalah kelajuan angin dalam masa 1 pm, pada masa yang sama aku patut berkayuhan pulang ke rumah.

alhamdulillah ku tertidur. kalau ku berkayuh ke kelas pagi tadi, basikalku mesti tidak bergerak. lembu hanya mampu memandang penuh simpati sahaja.

(dengan nada seriuus) 3 nyawa telah terkorban di Jerman akibat ribut ini.

uhh?

-bank negara's cheuque bounced?

-PKN kids being sent to johor to help the flood victims??

-there's GAN (Gerakan Anti-Najib) ??

-Anwars fighting Najib?

-Najib has something to do with the Mongolian model's murder??

-and he's trying to meet Mahathir, who's up in London, but refused to meet Najib?

-and uummmm.. Pak Lah went down and under to Australia to ummmm.. merasmikan restoran Nasi Kandar??

-all these while Johorians are struggling to keep their heads up above the water?? literally.







man.. politics back at home is sooo scandalous, i live for this shit. even if half of it are not true, they are still juicy rumors!!

i am currently listening to;
-Surfer Babe - McFly-

i am currently having a chain of thoughts regarding;

-surfing-

-jack johnson (and 'girl i wanna lay you down') -



and thus, making me think of;


and then, makes me feel almost impossible to;

-get those abs!!!-






damn the song surfer babe!

p/s : has anybody ever tried eating kitkat after brushing teeth? sedap gila tak tipu.

esok aku nak kayuh beskal pergi PLUS membeli ;





saja ja. walaupon aku dah byk lampu dalam bilik ni tapi aku sungguh tak tahan tengok lampu bermosaic itu. dan selama setahun disini aku bersejadahkan kain kecik oleh itu aku akan membeli rug cotton 10 euro. sekian.

while i was golek-goleking on the bed, there was this smell that hit my nostrils. a familiar smell. a smell of my childhood.

to be honest, i can't really remember my childhood in my nucleus family, apart from my mom rushing us to go to school every morning. when it comes to holidays, i just remembered spending them with my cousins, uncles and aunts.

and i don't know why, these images of me, my couz and my grandma, spending time in a big wooden bungalow (seemed big to me anyways, since i was smaller at that time) kept on haunting me this couple of days. and oh the smell. wonders smell can do.

i can't exactly remember at which beach we spent that holiday since every holiday we seemed to spend at beaches (thus kulit ku yang lebih hitam berbanding adik beradikku ini kehkeh). all i can remember is, the bungalow was just next to the beach but somehow we had to take a cable car to get there (berbukit yang maha tinggi agaknya). and every breakfast we sit together on the balcony overviewing the sea. i was so darn excited to get up every morning, and ate my breakfast as quickly as i could while watching jet skis.

and that was the time when i found out that i was a premature baby. tokyan (grandma) apparently was in the story-mory mode and after she finished her tale on how she spent her childhood, she told us about her experience as a grandma pulak. and then, about my birth. she said the doctor told my mum that she needs to do a cesarean operation, because my internal organs had developed within only 7 months. and since i could already digest, and bernyahtinja on my own, they need to get me out of there or i'll eat my own crap. yish. what a disturbing image.

well anyhooooo, i missed those days. days that i just could lay on the beach, letting the waves catch my body, hair and whatever else i had on. days that i could just hop on anybody's back to get a ride of jet ski. and eventually getting to drive it on my own. and then there's always banana boat. and lala kutiping. and then later eat it. sedap woooo rasa puas macam nelayan. kutip lala buat masak lemak cili api. haihhh... and then watch my skin gets dry - lack of sunlotion - lepas tu panggil kaki keringku kaki bersisik. and pretend i'm turning into a mermaid.

hahahHAHAHAH iye aku penuh imiginasi masa kecik-kecik dulu.

so come to think of it, its prolly why i don't really have my own space in the house. right after i went into the boarding school, my room was turned into the closet/bilik simpanan baju/ironing room. then currently, my dad turned the room as The Jamming Room. guitars, amplifiers blabla guitar maintenance.

so since tokyan passed away, i sometimes dominate her room. with a shower of my own. and telephone. the downside is - aircond rosak. and the fan twirls like shit. macam takada angin. so i resort to the living room occasionally. and i crash my sis's room. lama kelamaan aku tido aja dimana mataku nak tutup.

so now having my own room - and space - i loved it. still does. and i still will. everything in here is mine. and i have ultimate authority on every single item. where to put, which to throw, what color to decide (green semestinya). hahaha its MY perrogative!! (macam gila kuasa pulak). thus explains why i could be messy at times and a neat freak at times. because i need space on my own to implement my own system. and thats why i'm actually the biggest slob at home - even my dad can't tolerate it. heheheh actually coming from a man - it is embarassing. but then again, my dad is the ultimate perfectionist so... apa-apakan sajalaah abahhh!

WHAT A LOSER

hallo. my name is keshet and i have an addiction.

some people categorize my addiction as obsessive compulsive spectrum disorder (OCD) while some call it stereotypic movement disorder(SMD). i havent exactly been officially diagnosed since a lot of professionals out there dont really know whats going on about this addiction either.

i thought this addiction is just plain (but freaky) habit. like biting nails. i think its normal that people have this tendency to bite their nails, although i'd have to say its very unhygienic. but biting nails is different from what i have. because i've never actually met anybody who is as chronic as i am. until yesterday. apparently, only about 1%-3% of the population undergo this addiction. oh yes - they have found a name for it - trichotillomania.

this behavior has something to do with psychology. i guess my neurotransmitters just dont work too well. heheh. a lot of people who undergo this disorder usually were triggered by some stress environment or experienced sexual/physical/mental abuse. funny i started this addiction out of nothing. out of boredom maybe. it has been 8 years now and i dont even realize im doing it. sometimes when anxiety attacks, yes maybe, or sometimes when i think i wanna think, but in the end i ended up not thinking at all because im concentrating on it.

the way to cure is not yet available but treatment could do some good. the problem is, i either take a diet or take some medication. i can't go low carb, i'm a fucking student. and i can't take medication. because its either cannabis or prozac. hell i dont want to end up as a drug addict thank you very much. enough with depression and insomnia.

so now i need to be more alert to stay 'sober'. its like being alcoholic or drug addict, really. because you can and try to stay sober as long as you want but once you start on it again, bang! you're in the deep hole. again.


so, to me. PULL FREE!!

i don't care how much i get for the papers.










I. JUST. NEED. TO. PASS.

di kala kala ku sedang membuat lukisan kejuruteraan (yang kurang hajo ini) tiba-tiba baru ku sadari akan lirik lagu yang telah beribukali diputar dengan itunes ku. selama ini ku hanya suka mendengar melodinya yang agak rancak tapi bila ku amati liriknya, ia telah membuat ku tergelak kekehkehan.

"It Wasn't Me"
(Shaggy feat. Ricardo Ducent)

(Yo', man) Yo'
(Open up, man) What do you want, man?
(My girl just caught me) You let her catch you?
(I don't know how I let this happen) With who?
(The girl next door, you know) Man
(I don't know what to do) Say it wasn't you
(Alright)

Honey came in and she caught me red-handed
Creeping with the girl next door
Picture this, we were both butt naked
Bangin' on the bathroom floor

How could I forget that I had
Given her an extra key
All this time she was standing there
She never took her eyes off me

How you can grant the woman access to your villa
Trespasser and a witness while you cling to your pillow
You better watch your back before she turn into a killer
Best for you and the situation not to call the beaner
To be a true player you have to know how to play
If she say you're not, convince her say a day
Never admit to a word when she say makes a claim
And you tell her baby no way

But she caught me on the counter (It wasn't me)
Saw me bangin' on the sofa (It wasn't me)
I even had her in the shower (It wasn't me)
She even caught me on camera (It wasn't me)

She saw the marks on my shoulder (It wasn't me)
Heard the words that I told her (It wasn't me)
Heard the scream get louder (It wasn't me)
She stayed until it was over

Honey came in and she caught me red-handed
Creeping with the girl next door
Picture this, we were both butt naked
Bangin' on the bathroom floor

I had tried to keep her
From what she was about to see
Why should she believe me
When I told her it wasn't me

Make sure she knows it's not you and lead her on da right prefix
Whenever you should see her make da giggolo flex
As funny as it be by you, it not that complex
Seein is believin so you better change your specs
You know she not gonna be worrying bout things from the past
Hardly recollecting and then she'll go to noontime mass
Wait for your answer: go over there
But if she pack a gun you know you better run fast

But she caught me on the counter (It wasn't me)
Saw me bangin' on the sofa (It wasn't me)
I even had her in the shower (It wasn't me)
She even caught me on camera (It wasn't me)

She saw the marks on my shoulder (It wasn't me)
Heard the words that I told her (It wasn't me)
Heard the scream get louder (It wasn't me)
She stayed until it was over

Honey came in and she caught me red-handed
Creeping with the girl next door
Picture this, we were both butt naked
Bangin' on the bathroom floor

How could I forget that I had
Given her an extra key
All this time she was standing there
She never took her eyes off me

Gonna tell her that I'm sorry
For the pain that I've caused
I've been listenin to your reasonin
It makes no sense at all
We should tell her that I'm sorry
For the pain that I've caused
You may think that you're a player
But you're completely lost
That's why I sing

if i write entry almost everyday of the week that means;

1) i am very depressed
2) i have non-stop random thoughts
3) i just have some assignments due in the next few days

and right now, its the latter.

i know i have assignments and i'm trying to force my ass to stay put in front of the computer but the thing is, i can't put myself to finish my work. oh, in fact to start. my royal laziness is hard to beat!

so i find distractions. like polishing the silverware, every single mirror in the house, sweep the floor and since i don't own (yet) a vacuum cleaner, i sweep and pick up all the hair on the carpet, arranging papers, books, magazines (which dont need to be touched anyways), do the laundry, and finally make an apple pie.

hmmmmm...

and i've just started 0.1% of my assignment. its due on the 10th. and it consumes 10% of my finals.

so i guess i have priorities issue and i need to pull all-nighter.

yishhhhhh! mcmati!!!

kalau daripada ini....

MENJELMA MACAM NI...

kan bagus?

aku tak faham kenapa kebanyakan lelaki terutamanya lelaki melayu suka mengamalkan double standard.

kalau perempuan cakap banyak, lelaki kata bergosip.
kalau lelaki cakap banyak, kata 'we're doing some catching up'.
tapi kalau dapat perempuan tak happening, tak bercakap, kata buhsan.

kalau perempuan suka membeli belah, lelaki kata materialistik.
tapi lelaki pon tak bulih tahan tengok tanda sale, terutamanya pada jersey-jersey, barangan nike atau pon yang sewaktu dengannya.
dan ada hati hendak perempuan pandai dressing, kalau tak, kata selebet, kampung dan sebagainya.

kalau perempuan leleh air liur sikit tengok pelakon lelaki hollywood, kata perempuan ni memilih. dan bulih bising pulak kalau perempuan risau dengan berat badan.
padahal lelaki muka nak pecah rumah pon nak perempuan kurus, sexymeksi, seboleh bolehnya muka ada pan-asian.
yang paling teruk golongan yang suka menghina depan-depan mengatakan perempuan gemuk.


dalam hal-hal sebegini, siapa yang bersalah meletakkan standard-standard ke paras yang lebih tinggi?




tapi seperti yang dikatakan sebelum ini, KEBANYAKAN lelaki. tapi kalau ada yang terasa bahang, saya tidak bermaksud untuk mencakar balarkan ego anda.

cheerios y'all!

i am currently having a snowless winter.


its like having a VERY long autumn.


what a bummer.

EPISODE TWO OF CHRISTMAS BREAK

Day Two, Three and Four

-taki and i got into shopping mode and went into almost every shop to do a survey a.k.a nak book baju la konon dan menaruh harapan harga akan turun 50% on boxing day.

-picked up intan n friends. sorry intan. memang takle nak tahan kencing sesampai airport so i was in the mode of botol hunt.

-on day four i couldnt resist anymore. i saw 5pounds on the rack and grabbed whatever i think i liked. changing rooms dah tak main laa.

Day Five, 25th Dec

-macam sial ja satu manchester. walking in the city was like an experiece from Dawn of the Dead. there wasnt any bus on the streets and nando's pon tutup?? apa ni??

Day Six, Boxing Day

-hahahHAHAHA this is i think the most remembered day on my manchester trip. okay, i didnt tell anyone about this just to give the fellow readers the juiciest scoop. sorry taki intan niki..

-so anyways, intan and the gang woke up extremely early to box leaving us sleeping. taki then berkelam kabut to pick niki up. so i was basically left alone. and i took my own sweet time berlalalashowering since intan texted me there werent too many people boxing.

then things happenned. i didnt want to take the bus because as taki said, 'bus charge mahal gila masa boxing day!' so i strutted with confidence and i thought, 'piece of cake, we walked all over town yesterday.' and i strutted and strutted and - 'hey. apsal aku tak sampai-sampai lagi ni? i thought it took us less time yesterday than this. but everything still seemed familiar.'

until i reached the train station. which supposed to be nuts. (direct translation - kacang laaa). but its the other side of the train station. backside la kot. so i walked straight and at this point i totally depended on signboards. hahah because i didnt feel like going back and start all over again. piece of cake right? manchester isnt that big. and im walking so that means i'm not that lost. plus, the signboards are showing city center so that means i'm still not in city center.

i came to this tunnel and hell - scary berry okay?? very few cars and absolutely dimmed lights. okay, now i'm neither strutting nor walking. its called scramble. yes i was scrambling. and oh was i glad to be at the end of the tunnel because finally - sunlight! but to find an industrial area - huh?? so i stood there for two whole minutes figuring out - where the hell am i??

SHEFFIELD STREET was on the sign. there were two roads - one going into another tunnel and i think that was the way to the carpark and the other was going further more into the industrial area. ooookay. the sign to city center showed to go further into the industrial area but i really think i'm making a seriously big round of manchester.

should i go across the carpark and get out through the train station? but carparks are dangerous!

or should i just go into the kilangs area? when will i ever be in city center?

i am soooo not going back for what it is worth!

ugh. think!!!

and then, there came this car from the car park and stopped around 50 meters in front of me.

okay lized. time to go and ask.

but.. what if he's a pervert raper? or a psychotic serial killer? or a desperate robber who takes advantage of a lost foreigner? or even worse - he just simply doesn't care???

and when i walked past the car, i saw he was digging something at the back seat. fucking hell. i decided to walk away. the car then went into one of the factories and came out 3 minutes later and he looked at me. i guess he could smell the strong aroma of confusion and indecisiveness coming out from me.

ugh what the fuck. i should give him the benefit of the doubt!

me : ermm excuse me. you know which way should i take to get to city center?

driver : there * gesturing the creepy tunnel* . come, i'll take you there.

me : yea, you'd do that? thanks.

in the car ;

driver : so what are you doing back there?

me : figuring my way out.

driver : you do know that that was a red area, right?

me : what?? seriously?? nooo. no. omigosh. i was following the sign..

and then he asked couple of random questions like what was i doing in manchester.. blablabla. then he dropped me off at the bus station telling me which way to take and everything.

driver : oh and are you okay with cash?

me : umm yeah.

driver : you sure there?

me : yea yea. i'm TOTALLY fine. thanks.

dude, i got 150 pound in my wallet right freaking now, no worries. if you're a robber, this is your lucky day.

and so EVERYTHING seemed to be familiar again thanks to the driver and while working my way out i have done some self-reflecting.

-red area - either a no-entry area or place where hookers hang out. naseb pakai tudung bebbb!
-so he prolly thought i was short on cash since i didnt take any public transport.
-and ego kills.

but all in all, the whole thing didnt defeat my initial intention. hey, at least i got a free ride!!

so intan, remember that night when we wanted to go back to arndale and i asked you guys which way you took that morning? yea thats because i know jack which way to take.

-niki sampai. then kami bermakan-makan di nando's dan menonton PERFUME : THE STORY OF A MURDERER. a european film, thus a lot of nudity scenes. which can be totally ignored. not much of scripts thus VERY passionate expressions. i loved every plot.

-shopping dan shopping. tapi tak sesemangat intan.

-the rest was just good times with glace!!!

- i have no new year resolution whatsoever. sebab aku ni hangat-hangat tahi ayam. so dalam kepala saja. kalau tulis lagi tak mau buat.

-updates!!

EPISODE ONE OF CHRISTMAS BREAK

DAY ONE

-woke up extremely early and rehearsed every single change of train and flight and time. hoho. gabra jugak fly sorang-sorang.

-airport gate : apparently i was the only one flying to uk whos wearing hijab. black hijab, brown jaket and BIG brown boots. and yea, i was the only at the gate who got interrogated. panic waves for a while okay?? tapi muka control macho la. senyum manis kat pakcik interrogator tu biar dia cair sikit.

-flights were okay but at times i remembered final destination and langoliers. weird is, i've never thought of these when people i know were on the same plane. so i guess it must've been flying-alone paranoia.

-landed in style in manchester! dengan confident dan macho aku berjalan membeli tiket dan masuk train yang tidak diketahui kemana arahnya. so there were these two guys standing at the trains door.

me : um fährt der zug nach picadilly?

the 2 guys : huh???!!!

me : *oh yea crap. now i'm speaking german to english?* ehem. umm does .. this.. train.. go to picadilly?

(terhegeh nak cakap english. yela dengan siapa aku nak berborak dalam inggeris? oh yea and i pronounced picadilly as in pi-khe-delli)

the 2 guys : uh?

me : pi-KHE-delli.

the 2 guys : oh pi-ka-DELL-li. yea.

me : yea that. thanks. *aku mengamericanizedkan sangat ke pekataan tu??*

ugh that was embarrassing. first i spoke in german. second they stressed on how to pronounced the word in english. as in English. iye aku ini foreigner.

-entered taki's. welcomed by the aroma of ikan bilis goreng. huiii. terima kasiiih taki masak nasi lemak untuk aku.

-sesi bergitar sampai pengsan.

the stout fingers trying soo hard to look good in silhouette.

back in germany

muka selepas berboxing

i'll update later.

ehem.

testing..testing... dari manchester.

wuh. here we go. esok boxing day!!

holiday's spirit's everywhere!!

and aww look... i got patrick on my window sill.



hell yeahh, i am ghetto fabulous!!

i got to sayyy..

heroes's okay but the post-episode comic strips are tight bebeh! everything's making sense now.

like how eden got persuasive, and the extra bodies in the deserts.

fishing kul.





p/s : ingatkan collin pharrell. or david galagher. rupanya santiago cabrera. wuh. kehenseman. high not high.

im onto heroes now.

and i've been following the 4400 for 3 full seasons now, and still liking it. so i guess it kinda blows, because heroes is somewhat something similar.

but, hey, at least heroes has this pretty good leads lined up, so thats prolly why its a hit on american tv.

and because heroes is comic-based, i kinda thought its a combination of sin city and the 4400.





ugh sure whatevvvss. luck is, its sci-fi, its in my radius zone and im all wrapped up.

mindblowingly breathtaking

i know i've done this.

but i got so caught up in the moment and i just....

ughh.. i just have to shoooottttttt this.

forget about the previous shiteous quality snap and say helloooo to





well, it blew me away. at least.

angin maut sangat la!!!

tak bergerak basikal!!

kencang betul aku kena kayuh!

kalau hari-hari macam ni, besar kayu balak la kaki aku.













haihhh penaat..

ugghh its been 3 weeks now and i cant go to sleep without some tossin and turnin going on for about at least an hour.

ive thought of some alternatives but..

drinking warm milk it will just make my stomach go krukk krukk churn.
do 200 situps but i don want to go to sleep like a sweat machine
eat. like, a lot. big no no. its god damn winter!

so i am left with :

(a) knocking myself out with some drugs. like sleeping pills or couple of panadols. it'll be addictive but hey at least i can get some decent sleep.

or

(b) i stay self-righteous and keep tossin and turnin for hours. and get up all cranky because i know i didnt sleep well with all the weird dreams i get every night. if it isnt a dream, then its a constant waking up like, almost every 2 hours. and its even crappier because when i finally thought actually got a decent sleep, i ended up overslept and wasted half the day. perfect beginning!



and since all these are making me depressed, yea, i'll go with something stronger, like Trazodone.

ugh not being able to sleep sucks.


---------------------

of all the dreams i had, this one that stood out.

it was yellowish, like it was late evening or something. standard theme for most of my dreams so it wasnt anything special. so i was at some friend's, and the house was hella familiar. almost too familiar, like ive known the entire space all my life but i just cant place it.

surrounding me were all familiar faces, but now i cant remember any. i took up a cup of tea and saw - a cub. a tiger cub in a baby's crib right in front of me. and 2 seconds after i laid my eyes on him, he crashed the crib's bar and jumped out on me.

it was bewildering but somehow.. pleasant. i dont know what happened, and everything was rather vague but i guess after some time there was this boy, aged 7-8 years old, sitting beside me. i was being me, eating away like there will never be tomorrow, and this boy... tilted his head and rested it on my right shoulder.

and this feeling hit me again. like the feeling when the tiger cub jumped out on me. i guess they were the same person/thing. i dont know. at that point i just trusted what i felt. and we bonded. he was so damn fine. all polite to my friends. siap salam cium tangan. and he clinged to me like he had no other person to go to.

me : who took care of you?
cub boy : mama.
me : and where is mama now?
cub boy : i dont know.

well i wasnt sure which mama. was it my mama, his, i dont know. all i know, he's my responsibility. like a big sister. but obviously we were not related genetically. because he's somewhat caucasian, and i'm.. well ya know what i'm like. heh.

but the hair, the eyes. i swear i can still remember them. it was sooo profound, what i felt.

and then i lost him. i heard somebody was taking him away to.. um somewhere foreign. i cant remember. so while i was out, looking for him, i ended up being in this very extremely big building, and attending somewhat of an interview. people were throwing silk blouses and scarfs at me, asking me to style this very extremely stunning tall blonde lady, who in 5 secs will be on the runway.

huh???!!! aku stylist??!!!

and thats it. i woke up because somebody rang the bell.







hahahaHAHAHAHAHAH. mesti sakit hati baca mimpi aku yang tak ada conclusion.

but what i felt was real. still does.

i know a witch. a very wicked one.

but when you see her, you cant see the true her. she has an invisible cloak that puts you under a spell. the demonic side of her is mysteriously concealed. everything she says will seem nice, and sweet, and sugar-coated.

but i cant be fooled.

i cant run either. and hide.

and in my sleep, she does things. very evil things.

her devilry is more than ursula's, cruella deville's, darla's, drussilla's, the dark witch's or even paris hilton's combined altogether.






she. is. the. ultimate. femme. fatale.

i am just wondering. and i cant get this this off my case.

-if the soul society is suppose to be the higher place where people go after they die, then why is there poverty? and ranks? and where do shinigamis go after they die in a fight?


-if everything in soul society is made of spirit particles, then how come captain sajin komamura boleh pakai sikat anjing dari bumi yang dibeli oleh 69-on-face hisagi? and how come renji abarai bulih bermakan-makan in the real world without having to have gigai? so spirit particles can work with matter?

aaahh. macam ni la aku kalau nak start buat homework. distraction distraction!!

so anybody who can come up with at least an answer, please.

i wish..

i wish all of the trash in this house get soo emo that they'd stomp out from this house and get themselves trashed into the big bin outside!

-----------------------

i have finally come to my senses and realized.. that im scary. dan aku takut dengan taste aku.

the first time i thought i was scary was, oh wait. no. i thought i looked scary was when i browsed through my pictures right after i got back from paris. hell i was wearing all black. not that i didnt know what i was wearing. but it kinda took me for surprise. because i was wearing EVERYTHING like from head to toe black. takutnya. baru sedar macam mana orang pandang aku sebelum ni. no wonder people were making so much fuss about me wearing black all the time. and so since then i added up a little bit of colors in my wardrobe. sikit je ponn but i'll make sure to mix and match. not that the matching part is so hard to deal with.

but now, i really think im freaky. i just went online to see some contemporary artpieces and i realized that i pretty much like the same stuff. if its not in black white red, then some phychotic pieces. like these stuff ;



okay. sudah sudahlah tu. see my point? this isnt intentional and i was looking at some really really random collection. and ended up liking the same stuff. im not feeling low. not really, at least. so why all the psychotic images? beats me.

twisted. but bloody wicked.

whoa. my head is all over the place except studying.


1)procrastination
2)waste half a day just for sleeping, and the other half.. umm stuff. random.
3)this room is just....aah. how do i say this subtly.. making me feel complacent?
4)aku adalah pemalas semalas-malasnya. MahaMcMalas!

---------------------

exactly one year ago i left malaysia and my anime-fanaticism to live my german dream. heh little did i know, i actually completed the circle and came back to pick things up where i left them. back to bleach. just say i took a rain check. for a year.

---------------------

so based on my observations upon animes, these japanese people kan, suka buat characters based on germans. macam fullmetal alchemist and bleach. not only names and backgrounds, they even made up scripts in german. which i think, hey not bad. pronunciation pon boleh tahan.

but what i dont get is, why the full coverage? especially when it comes to alchemy. and powerful people. is it because germans are naturally big, and the language is considered one of the oldest language in the world and germans are intellectuals? at least back then la kan. sekarang pon. tapi japanese and germans are totally non-related. not geographically. not languagewise. well, except the word 'ach so' la kot.

okay so maybe they wanted to vary stories. ya know, since people dont really know about germans. sebab french, italian, english and americans kan lebih popular.

atauuuuuu.. sebab hitler once uplifted the japanese to be honorary aryan??? and thus - the feeling of great bondage between those two titans could never be forgotten and the resposibility to spread and spread the word through any means of medium!!!!!

jap palotak tak betul jap.

--------------------

aww i just found out that jonathan brandis is dead. rip.

all these years. we went through a lot together.

the never ending story II. it the clown. sidekicks. aladdin. and oh how could i ever forget seaquest. these were major influences during my childhood.

and he hanged himself?? with a nylon rope. that is sad. year 2003. lambat betul aku tahu.

--------------------

so currently apart from going to school, im staying in my room. 24/7. except of course pegi dapur makan, pegi toilet dan sebagainya.

but thats all to it. i dont socialize. i do nothing. i am not even speaking to my housemate. tambah-tambah lagi kalau ada guest staying over. not that im hostile or anything but the bf came visiting my housie, aku malas la nak potong steam orang. anyways, malas betul aku nak tuka shorts to sweatpants, pakai serkup lagi tudung lagi. serabut betul. so we just ym each other if anything. though we're just one three-steps door away.

plus, the crrrruel wind i mentioned, well stays true. nak kayuh basikal sejuk-sejuk, kang kelua lagi hingus. dah la hidung cramp.

well, even if its sunny outside, i stay in. because if i go window shopping... emm there would never be window shopping. because ill buy something. and that will simply defeat the whole going-to-manchester-for-boxing-sale thing.

and now, it depresses me even more because i cant listen to music. of course i can but listening to music in low amplitude - baik tak payah. so okay.. aku bersalah because i let my speakers and subwoofer blasting away. and the neighbors complained. so now whenever i'm watching something, i kept it as low as my threshold of hearing because i dont know how loud my speakers should go. im not even sure if i play my guitars or keyboard that that would actually disrupt the 'harmony and tranquility' of the neighborhood, so i ended up humming rather than singing. tidak mendapat kepuassaaann!

aduii.. itulah kalau dah telinga pekak nak buat macam mana??

-------------------

buku-buku dalam bilik ni menjadi hiasan semata-mata. untuk melengkapkan personaliti aku sebagai seorang pelajar.

sunshine.. on my window.. makes me happy.. like i should be..

piah this is for you. walopon kemere phone, tetap ku amek di kala senja, karena hang demam.

i dont know maann. my mind is somewhat currently twisted caught in between ignorance and umm .. the philosophy of life.




sheesh. thats deep.

apsal bila aku tengok eklan tv malaysia semua orang dah ada slang mengada dalam speech? menyampah betul.

its seriously depressing to wake up every single day looking at dead trees being blown away by crrrruel wind. everything is greenish brown now. even the apple tree outside my window is stark naked. belukar aka secret garden aku pon dah togel. where is snow anyways?? at least snow isnt so much as depressing as this.

blehh. komplen je aku ni. depressing konon. padahal tengah menelan choc kek.

atreyuuuuuuu dan bastiannnnnn

wuuuuuu!!

guess what??








i knowwwwww, its kinda obvious, kan?

aku buhsan tengah melepet dekat meja macam koala nak pengsan bertulis tulis crap.

with 3 entries within less than half an hour.

walaupon angin sejuk muka minyak thus sending me to instant billionairdome.

emm ya know.

minyak = kaya-raya ??

okay next winter aku nak berpanas-panas so jummmmm kita bersurfing-surfing!!!!!

sonik, ena, yati, niki emmmmm dll!! pack beg yall.

pakai bikini woii. tambah tudung. kahkah.

extremely misty today
bloody scary
had to go through the dead jungle all misty
couldnt feel my nose
eyes went teary
the moment i parked my bike
felt something fluidish running above my upper lips
ew. ew ew.
mucus
had a wave of panic right away
after entering the lecture hall
everyones holding a pruefungsrelevant handout
urgh
screw technische kommunikation
i see me still attending TK classes next sem
apparently blau machen has its price







now its code orange going code red
still hasnt change to studymode
mcdead.

seriously. i know this is lame-o but seriously. mcslutty the vampire slayer is getting soo intense right now i kinda think its good. its crackin me up, and it was kinda emotional. and the plot, the script i swear its waaay much better than prison break.






but then again, i am a sci-fi hardcore.

too bad i'm years behind.

-crap. cant a person get a decent sleep?? apart from me not eating now i have to go around like a freaking mczombie with some red blotch in my eyes. urgh.

-apsal cerita aku folo semua kena cut off?? macam freakylinks, jake 2.0, angel (ok this one stayed long, tapi ending macam sial jugak). yish im such a sucker to sci-fi.

-code yellow. need to get into studymode. asap.

-im having an anti-Narcissus time.

-i wanna play that thing you do. as a band.

-despite of my non-existent high metabolism rate, im currently not eating. weird.

-i googled ethan embry/randall and found that his official website was never active. its seriously sad.

-what the hell happened to the wonders? i cant find any of their wallpapers. they should be big okayy. isnt anyone as obsessed as i am??

teheheeee. one of my long lasting obsession. tom hanks did one hell of a good job.

today. some randomness.

everytime i hear ocean ridge, everything came back vividly to me. like i remembered the smell of the shower foam i used in perak, how the walls looked like, how all the winds polished their instruments the night before the competition, how bored we were doing sectional practice the whole day not knowing what else to do in those empty hot classes. weird. those are the things you just dont purposely stick to your mind. but i guess it kinda stuck. this is the kinda thing music does to me. and smell too.

--------------------

i have the utmost respect for people who are really really really good at writing. they have this.. um.. i guess essence of them. you dont have to really pay attention to what they really are saying, you are just being led. by the words, the phrases, the whole expression and straight away get the whole picture. the best part is - you feel like you know them but not in the superficial kinda way. in fact, you dont know anything about them, because youve never actually meet the eye. its just.. exhilarating.

--------------------

i dont get whats the hype over muslims not eating pork. got this friend, always makes jokes around muslims friends who are just about to eat something. and he would go like, 'eh ada babi.' ya know, the past two years, i just let these kinda people get away with a laugh. nothing more and nothing less. but guess what? its getting old, okay?? its not funny anymore. and i threw that to his face.

it didnt stop there. they would just love to rub it into our face. like questioning us, 'why are you guys discriminating against babi anyways?' , 'what if youre not a muslim, you mustve eaten pork already by now. its like, your religion is controlling you.' and the part that pissed me off the most - 'muslims terrorists laa.'

omg. omfg. i know this is gonna sound like a friggin cliche, but seriously, go and educate yourself. we dont eat bacon because there are tapeworms - unkillable. they breed leaving their extremely small mobile larvae going through your blood veins up to your brain. after theyre dead up in your brain and your immune system starts to attack them haa baru kau rasa sawan babi padan muka. plus pigs' flesh absorbs toxin like sponge and therefore even nastier than our own piss. the fact that pigs dont exercise, dont sweat - thus limited output of toxin - eww. seriesly. you guys devour THAT?? i mean, after all that education, trust me you dont want to go ignorant.

its like questioning a vegie why does he go against meat. insulting a hindu not eating beef. a quarter of world population is muslim. why just muslim? jews dont eat pork. i didnt hear you making noise about them. oh i know - it has never occur to you that almost half of the world population doesnt eat pork, because YOU are very shallow. piece of advice, dude, open your eyes, then only open your big mouth.

oh and the terrorism. seriously. you lived all your life in malaysia - in a majority muslim society. come on, have i ever left a bomb in your mother's backyard because youre not a muslim? please. you let CNN feed your mind??

and the thing that got me laughing. he said melayu are racists. if he would go to the states, he'll have whatever rights he should as a human being, unlike malaysian govt. oh please - id love to see you go to the states and live your american dream. but trust me - people will still discriminate you, because youre a freaking asian. the only place you will feel at home is when you go back to your china town. or singapore.

i live with the fact that im muslim. and i know people will never stop passing judgments or even discriminate. with me wearing hijabs and stuff. anywhere i go, whatever i do, people will still judge you for being who you are. deal with the fact. like me. at least i know where i stand.

okay. im not racist. and im not trying to be defensive. but whos pushing the buttons??

apsal cruel to be kind tak keluar-keluar ni???

gila. bicho so. bicho.

connection macam gila. filelodge dah lama bengong. esnips x bulih tempek.

yish. kenapa? why? warum? pourqoui? pourque? doshite? buei? bueiiii???

bicho so. bicho. aish cinca!

"community blogger dilanda season of loneliness" - piyazery. <-- have to agree with that.

--------------------

i like ocean ridge. brings back those memories. walaupon saxophone tak contribute sangat pon dalam lagu ni.

but i guess its really weird. i kinda gave my all to produce good sound, ya know contributing to the whole song thing - emm masa sekola dolu. but the truth is, i dont think im the kind of person who would give EVERYTHING for something. macam hangat-hangat tahi ayam la. atau jack of all trades master of none. nak try semua tapi tanak masterkan diri lepas try.

what im trying to say is, how come i can do only one good thing in my life? come to think of what i have achieved along these past years, macam tak ada apa-apa. not that im saying im not grateful of where the flow has got me to, but seriously all these while it has all been about luck. my dumb luck.

i mean, yea i can play music, but its not like i can play a lot of impressive pieces. emm make it any. i can write but its not like things i wrote are all Pulitzer material. i used to know how to debate, but i cant really put it into a daily basis conversation. at least not anymore - because i dont talk about politics, environment, moral degradation shits anymore. i can skate, i can swim, i can do sports. tapi semua tahap cukup makan ja. studies? wahahahahahahahahaa. dont even start. thats THE thing that i know im not good at. at least aku tahu ukur baju di badan sendiri.


but the thing is, i still look forward because i know theres sooooo much more to life. i want to go scuba dive, and skydive, and surf, and bungee jump, and take a latin dance class (im dead serious about this), and.. um.. and jumpa wentworth miller, and convert dia masuk islam setelah dia dibesarkan dengan agama yahudi, and kahwin, and even though perez claims that hes a closeted gay - and i dont believe him, although all of his info seemed accurate, but i could still go and save a lot of money because baez says i could buy his gene from the gene bank - that is IF he puts it there - and then produce anak-anak biracial yang sangat teramat paling cun sekali. there. see? i have a lot of things in life to look forward to. and if my parents disapprove me from being with him, then i guess akan berlakulah telenovela cinta terhalang keshet kedondong bersama lelaki separuh germannya.

okay. hentikan drama ini.

and travel all over the world. and go into photography. and take a vocal class. and kick boxing class. and go to every worth broadway. and go skiing on a VERY EXTREMELY snowy and steep mountain. and .. um .. wow. macam-macam. SEMUA!!!!

this is what i call jack-of-all-trades-but-master-of-none syndrome.

its MY long-lasting pathology. it has been there all my life, and it wont budge. never.

--------------------

orang cakap aku ni ada potential jadi saiko.

sebab aku cakap aku suka kalau aku ada external physical pain.

macam luka. lepas tu aku buleh main-main dengan luka. tehehehehehee.

bes la, gila. should try it sometimes.

--------------------

johnny depp is a very interesting human being.

i wish to meet somebody like that at least once in my whole life time.

me so fakken pissed so sooo fakken pissed like fuckety fuckety fuck like soooooo verdammt fucking fakken pissed yissssshhhhhhhh fak it!


demn straight i am.

i was away on weekends. come to think of it, i was almost always away on weekends.

aaaanyways, matlamat nummer drei macam delay sebab aku makan macam tong. see, doesnt take me that long to eliminate the warmth of the chicken poo. (emm direct translation - menghapuskan kehangatan tahi ayam).

temptations yo. mee rebus, nasi beriyani, rojak buah, kek pisang, agar-agar laici. (5 round kot) yissshhhh! aku makan sampai perut nak meletop.

tapi tak pa. wiken ni kita bulih main futsal. yeay!

i woke up EXTREMELY early this morning. because - finally - aku bersemangat waja nak pergi kelas. plus the futon makes me sweat in my sleep. i know, big EW. no idea why. i turn off the heater, opened the window and its below 16 degrees for goodness's sake! why the hell am i sweating? that stupid futon lah, thats why! thus leading me to daily nose bleeding in the morns. no exceptions - this morning as well. lepas tu sebab aku makan macam tong on the wikens - sakit perut jugak. i dont know why i have major headache - tapi kenapa semua nak datang pagi ni??? aku BERSEMANGAT WAJA!! nak pergi kelas!!! when does that ever happened? never! this is a once in a lifetime thing okay.

and when i was making my way to the shower - tibak bunyi bell - carpet sampai. yish. buang masa aku la. betul betul buang masa aku. mana ada masa nak mandi? thus, no mandi no going out la. then i decided - im not going to class today.

there goes matlamat nummer eins.






hahahHAHAHAH.

YE AKU SEBENARNYA PEMALAS. ALASAN JE LEBIH!

aku sudah ada cita-cita.

selain ingin menjadi graduated engineer di germany

aku juga ingin menjadi seorang ahli muzik

serta seorang yang sihat walafiat.



untuk mencapai matlamat pertama,
aku harus bertungkus lumus bergelumang dengan bahasa german.
bukan itu sahaja malah bertungkus lumus pada malam sebelum exam.

untuk mencapai matlamat kedua,
aku harus bekerja keras meluangkan masa dengan anak-anakku.
termasuk keyboard yang baru sahaja sampai dimuka pintuku pagi tadi.
walaupun matlamat ini agak lambat pada pendapatku untuk dicapai
kerana tiada tenaga pengajar mahupon asas yang kuat, aku akan coba.

untuk mencapai matlamat ketiga,
aku haruslah konstan membuat strecthing aka yoga
serta situp 100x setiap hari
serta push up (rancangan ini didelay kerana aku ingin menghilangkan dahulu muscle-bertukar-lemakflabby di lengan)
thus sekarang low carb program <------ hahahHAHAHAHhahahaha my ass!
serta bermain sukan
tapi agak susah ingin melaksanakan sukan kerana ketidakcukupan korum jantina perempuan
mungkin rancangan futsal akan dilaksanakan selepas exam nanti







kesimpulan
matlamat-matlamat yang tertera diatas tidak dapat diinsuranskan kerana berdasarkan sejarah penulis, beliau merupakan seorang yang hangat-hangat tahi ayam.

heheh sebab semua orang bizi tak menulis aku pon buat-buat bizi mogok takmo tulis.

anyways prison break season 1 sangat predictable. maybe because possibilities are just too limited. season 2 getting warmer. the whole big idea was good though. walaupon script sangat lah biasa. apa apa la. wentworths worth it.

apsal - aku nak questionkan jugak - apsal kalau orang tu mata cantik dia mesti ada either german jew atau italian hereditary?

macam wentworth miller ( i bet sebenanya mueller but being americanized), or jake gyllenhaal, or adam brody, or beckam or orlando bloom. emm sapa lagi a lelaki hensem yahudi? oh yea seth green and micheal rosenbaum (<-- typical german name). ok then italian, macam leonardo dicaprio, david boreanaz and ellen pompeo and even alicia keys.

my point is, dolu kenapa aku selalu rasa yang americans ni macam cantik sikit daripada english? ini adalah kerana americans ramai yang dah campur darah. sebenarnya yang selalu claim mereka ni thoroughbread pon tak thoroughbread. apa apa la.

aku sebenarnya nak declare bahawasanya aku jatuh cinta dengan wentworth semenjak aku melabuhkan pandangan aku ke dalam matanya dalam buffy vampire slayer. walaupon masa itu dia hanyalah seekor raksasa ikan. namun matanya sangat cantik. dan aku suka pada fakta di mana dia berdarah campuran yang terlalu banyak - african-american, jamaican, german, red indian, dutch, french, russian, syrian and lebanese. hes from all over the world. kalau campur sikit dengan darah aku, ya know to complete the asian part - melayu, hidustan siket - mesti anak-anak cun gila.




kahkahKAHKAHkahkahKAHKAHKAH



aku mahu dia.

3 babies and a sanctuary

prison break is too slow for my likings. at least the first three eps. this is the 99237618165389975th time i paused.

too much variables, too little action. but because everyfreakingbody makes a big fuss about it, im just gonna watch. perhaps its too soon to pass a judgment.

tapi siap la kalo buhsan nak mati gila babi macam a walk to remember. as far as i remembered semua orang cakap cerita tu bes, but i didnt make it to the end. buhsan gila. typical korean film pon lagi bagus. apa yang sweetnya? tengok lembu terbalik lagi ada adrenalin rush.

oh yea, oc season 4 sucks. because it always has been about coop, atwood, cohen and summer. now coops gone. and did they changed music director? cause the shows suckier with them music.

ok now im mcmcd.

because of greys.

because meredith called sheperd mcdreamy.

and christina called mark mcsteamy.

and george said, 'mcdreamy was doing mcnasty with mchottie. demn mcbastard!'

and izzy said, 'mcdreamy's sister is mcbitch.'

ishhh and now tengok!!!! im watching mcslutty the vampire slayer thinking mcboreanaz is soooo mcsensual and mcsteamy and mcdreamy and mchottie alltogether!!

the syllable mc just seems to be mcsticky and cant get mcfreaking off.



padahal esok aku ada praktikum werkstoff. mcmati!





APAAAA LAAAAA!!

this has been haunting me for a couple of days.

so last weekends i went up to wolfsburg and on the way back down to bocholt we gotta stop at duisburg to change trains. so the thing was, i was extremely starving and bought me some dunkins. while i was devouring those lush double chocs then came this guy, in the waiting pit, looking rather urgent saying something to two makciks in front of us. it was kinda weird cause these makciks didnt seem to respond at all even though this guy was doing all his body language to get through. and i thought, oh ok, i guess this guy must've said something thats not worth to be heard.

then, he turned to us. and said something about him going back home to munchengladbach and the rest i couldnt catch up cause he spoke really fast. like, really fast. but he did mention some numbers so i guess hes asking for money. no wonder those makciks didnt respond. it took me a moment to even give an expression. was looking at elly. mintak-mintak dia back up sebab sumpah aku blank. elly pegi telan donut, and then shook her head. and he left. speedily. so i thought, hey, he didnt look like a pauper to me. so what did he want? i asked elly, she said he's asking for money. yea, so i heard right. i asked, how much? she said she heard 1.99 euro. i swear i heard 19, thats why i went blank. cause dude, i cant help you that much. i dont travel with cash. but 1.99?? come on.. sian dia. 3 minutes after he left baru kami rasa kesian. but it did take me a moment to actually get a grip of what he was saying. so dont blame me. blame my brain for the slow digest.

nak beli tiket tak cukup lagi 2 euro. alaaahh mesti dia kelam kabut sebab takut terlepas train. dah la hari ahad.. train sikit. then kena cari lagi 2 euro, nak beli tiket lagi, lari lari bawak beg lagi, pegi landasan lagi. can imagine me being in his shoes. mesti sedih gila tak ada sapa nak tolong. dalam hati dia, 'demn foreigners, aku mintak 2 euro pon kedekut. siap kalo aku pegi negara dunia ketiga kau, aku tanak bagi sedekah dah.'

haihh, then we walked out from the waiting pit, i was kinda hoping id stumble into him. to redeem my guilt. to give him that 2 euro that meant the world to him. i didnt. it kinda bummed me out. it still does. man, i wish i offered him at least the donuts.

ya know, carbs + sugar = endorphin??

at least.

i'm back, bitches.

i am just curious as hell, why should there be a person around you who will just rub things in your face just to get on your nerves and you are just stuck with this person for the rest of your life? well, yea ok. not the rest of your life, but it felt like it.

ish i'm in refusal of talking. because everytime i opened my mouth, there's always a reply - though unwanted - that felt like a snap. ooooh snappy snappy i cant take. cause i'll sure as hell turn one as well. but hey, in the name of kesabaran, and air muka, i bear. omg, how i stopped myself from snapping back. i am this close (setengah cm) from saying 'you bitch'. that means, i really cant take the rubbing. i loved it, though, cause im kinda sensing that the sarcasm is making a return.

what is it with people who cant take the opinions of others? what the hell is wrong anyways even if statements made by others arent that much of realistic? skeptical i can take, but being a bitch and all high, i feel like puking all over. what makes you think youre the only one with the best opinion? doesnt mean people shut up because they dont have better ideas. perhaps people just are too tired of listening to you and your croaking voice and your endless so-called the-most-rational-thinkings and looking at your irritating expressions with your raised eyebrows every time you think you've said something smart. hasnt it ever occur to you that people arent stupid and low and lack that much of judgment? plus, does it actually hurt to be nice? people ask for help, if you wanna decline, decline with decency. not with attitude.

initially, i really thought its just me. ok so maybe i am annoying, you know. perhaps, i am that low. and lack that much of judgment. but when almost every one is being condemned, then im like, 'whoa, what a stuck up hick'. and why o why do i even let it get me, let it go under my skin? yea, im prone to accidents, but that doesnt mean im a moron. and i dont really think i lack THAT much of judgment. and most of all, im not that low. unlike this cow.

i believe in karma, you know. yea, well, not exactly karma, i still have islamic values, but the whole 'what goes around comes around' concept. yea, well today you are up there, and someday you are going down!! and i really hope you'll feel if not as miserable as me, even worse! muahuahua.

there you go. cow.

--------------------

p/s : cekout ditty bops down there.

how can we lose ourselves? i mean, of course, we will change somewhow, along the line. its inevitable. but to realize that all the things that we know thats making us us are fading away, its just sucking you down. really deep.

(urgh i so got to say asap, eventhough this has nothing to do with this entry. my kek batik tasted like fucking rendang. urgh. making a mental note : no more opened tupperware in the fridge in the future!)

i used to take people that i meet personally. getting to know people, its exhilarating. everytime i talk to people, ill make a mental note of some sort, remembering the details of the conversation. and though there were some awkward pauses in between dialogues, you just wanna work it. how come i dont do that anymore? i never give a flying fuck what people say anymore. i even have difficulties remembering the names let alone working those awkward silences. for all i know, i try as fast as i can to get off. running to my comfort zone.

what? no more insane talking? no more conversation at the wrong time at the weirdest place? as far as i can remember, i was still the person who i thought i was two whole years ago. so what happened in between? i did had the lowest point in life back then, but i dont think that was the case. or was it? ooh its just weird.

and im not spontaneous anymore. i dont make decisions as fast as i used to be. i dont know what i wanted anymore. i lose respect to people and i dont feel respect being laid upon me. its like, life is just a blank canvas. apart from being a student, a friend of friends there isnt anything to look forward to. niente.

there were days when i thought i have opinions. opinions - the thing thats keeping me sane, keeping me going, keeping the sarcasm, keeping every single conversation just alive. maybe what im having is brain death of some sort. and this paralyzing pathology is bringing me down. but i want me. back.




or im just low on serotonin.



im a whiny whore. urgh. this my blueside.

ok so im not really yet in the mood to write. but i got a handful lot of things going on in my head. and im not writing. and so i got these dialogues in my head, these sentences just go on and on and on and at some times, because i dont write, i speak it out.

seriesly.

seriesly.

i mean seriesly.

i. am. a. basketcase.

who would just talk to themselves? out loud? when nobody's around?

me. its practically insane.

all because i asked for drama. well i got what i asked. but hell, i dont want a stupid, childisch, meaningless, pettifogging drama. pasal rumah jadi host raya untuk bocholt. one side wanted to be this nazi freak - controlling every single decision there is to be made, since this side obviously has the ownership of the house. and the other - tak paham bahasa. i dont understand both sides. i seriesly, utterly dont and i dont give a flying fuck about it anymore.

i asked for adrenaline rush. something that makes my life not monotenous. o shit aku lupa nak tulis apa. huahua. dah emo emo lupa pulak.

aaaaaaaaanyways, raya masih sebulan. and i still think malam raya was the best, sebab dah lama tak main bunga api. pictures were blur but hell, main focus were bunga api.









ok. so i kept this entry in draft because i couldnt upload my stupid pics main bunga api. pape la givap. nanti buleh aplod aku aplod.

-apsal aku rasa serabuutt ni? sebab aku tengah period ke? takkan kot. yisshhhh padahal tada papa pon. arghh jiwa kacau jiwa kacau!

-sedih la aku cenggini.. bila aku travel ja, aku asik lupa nak bawak charger tepon. aaa tengok apa dah jadi? beraya nak mak bapak pon dah delay.

-tapi tibak aku jiwa kosong. eh cane eh? serabut la, tapi kosong. sebab semua dah pisah pisah pergi tempat memasing. so aku kembali ke bocholt ditemani lembu-lembu yang tidak jemu meragut rumput.

-hahaha tapi buat julung-julung kalinya aku jumpa orang yang buleh buktikan yang bertepuk sebelah tangan itu ada bunyinya. kakaka. shit aku tak penah jumpa lagi orang gila macam ni. in a pleasant way. and that made my day.

aishh pening jugak beraya sekala besar-besaran gaya student ni.

aku belum sampai rumah. penat otak belum hilang, apatah lagi penat badan.

esok lusa aku update.

shit betul IKEA ni.

shit lagi aku ade praktikal Werkstoffkunde jemaat ni. maknanya aku kena pergi kelas si Ibach tu.

dengar desas desus dia ni suka tanya student reason kenapa tak datang kelas dia. mati aku. dua minggu tak datang. apa aku nak jawab? kanser? aissh. tambah pening ja dia ni.

uish. heart attack jugak bila tengok cerita buffy ni sorang sorang dalam rumah ni. speaker kuat mengalahkan home theather. da la rumah kosong. tinggal aku sorang pulak tu. heater tu dah la bergendang-gendut macam parampuk nak pecah rumah. nasib baik ini bulan ramadhan bulan mulia.

elly beraya di bremen.
ok so kuih muih kensel.
brownie dah siap kita pack.
baju raya dah sampai kita pack jugak.
kerepek pedas patut sampai esok pagi. kita pack jugak.
peti ais kosong so kita lari pi raya rumah orang.
sebaik-baiknya melayu, berkahwin dengan orang german, dan gumbira jikalau mendapat tatamu berasal daripada malaysia.
iyaaahhh. tahun ini kita beraya di osnabrueck!

cepatt packing!



kapada rakan-rakan yang selalu menyinggah di sayakodi.blogspot.com, sekiranya saya terlalu ngenjoy di muenster/osnabrueck dan tidak menyempat-nyempat online sebelum raya, ingin saya ucapkan,

SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI
Maaf Zahir Batin
Kirim salam kepada keluarga anda
Terima kasih akan sokongan anda selama ini


Terutamanya kepada GlaceGladiators 9903
Muaacckkksss!! Sayang anda semua!

so....

cordelia has the hots for angel.
but angel loves buffy.
and buffy loves angel.
but darla fucked angel, and got connor.
who fell in love with cordelia.
and then they fucked each other.
and got this evil goddess from another dimension, jasmine.
then angel killed connor.
and connor was born. again.






uhhhhh, yea drama.

is this the reason why i think my life is such a lame-o or im just an autistic?

or im just a freak watching all these stuff?




pffftt.

holy congkak bergoli. im hooked. on buffy. the vampire slayer. i mean, wtf?? i kinda thought its a passe, but watching the first episode of the first season, not bad. not bad at all. now i remember why i was sneaking in the middle of night out of my room to the kitchen 9 years ago.

and yeah, david boreanaz looked hot as - whats hotter than hell? cant tell. my point is, hes very, extremely attractive and even a straight guy would say hes hot. and people still tell me i have weird taste in men. i dont get it. i honestly, utterly, uncharacteristically , just dont get it.

people, make a mental note. watching buffy is not lame. thinking david boreanaz was hot - and still is - is not lame. i am not lame.




sheesh. im living in denial. i lost myself. fail to find me back.

Petronas F1 Malay Boy

pergh. pekat sial accent die. terkojut den budak ni buleh cakap gemen.

me=vain dalam baju raya di rumah baru/kosong

ok gamba raya dah siap. hahah aku segan nak letak sebab poyo sangat.. lalala. kalo aku dah siap trensper kang, aku upload kat vainpot centre aku.

--------------------------
finally, the housewarming/besday elly/jamuan bukak posa happened. pendek cerita, perut kenyang, hati ceria.

masak fever stops today, finally. penat lelah buat karipap, caramel, paprik, rendang itu ini, i dont think ill be cooking for the rest of the week. tapi masalah. raya's in one week time. promised myself to bake brownie, serta kuih muih. rendang sekali lagi. patah la pinggang. tapi, membe/raya punya pasal, besar la hati orang nak datang rumah. yang berada di sebelah padang ragut lembu ini. eh. aku rasa aku tulis ayat penuh dengan tanda titik nokhtah.

aaaaanyways, my point is, the backpain is here again. my dirty clothes start to pile up to my waist. the washing machine is 3 weeks late. and i hate school. tak mo pi kelas esok. period.

One In A Million Audition - Nazri Jipun




ahaha i dig this guy. big. yea, people say sometimes i got a really weird taste in men. but he stands out sooooo much, tak tahan lo! since host disembed, click here

ugh what is it ??

i dont understand. i friggin cant.

so whats with the mixed signals, mann?

dont play games with my head. im slow.


hahah and to think i need more time. sheesh.





keshet, the expiration date is due. just move on. should i? hm. i demn should.

oh no. o no no no no.

shit. my secret crush has been detected! im gonna die. of shame.

this is sooo wrong. i am panicking. god! i feel heat rushing up to my face.

thank god im sitting in front of the screen. not in front of any sort of breathing creatures.

shit.

life is so unfair.

life is soo unfair.

life is so unfair.

life is SOOOOOO unfair.



i swear.

i never knew that language could be THIS hard. all my life i never really have to work hard for languages. let it be english nor bm. french is, of course, an acceptance. i dont have to work my ass off for something that i dont really need. but deutsch, huih, lemme tell you. it's painstakingly hard.

i mean, its not hard learningwise. anyone could just do it with eyes closed, but man, this is the real world. i go to class and its sooo darn sad because i dont understand 60% of whats being said. because i cant. i freaking cant. i mean, things that i have learned, yea, no biggie to comprehend but those newbies and those jokes.. seriously, its bad. it doesnt sound as bad, but just going through this, is bad enough. how come i never felt this these past few months, i dont know. prolly because i usually go one on one, like they know i wouldnt understand if they speak fast enough. but going to lectures, seriously. think its better for me to do home study. its not like it makes any difference if i dont go to class.

and when i need to speak with people, i have to give 120% concentration just to understand, well i dont know, 65% of what they are really saying. this is pathetic case. technik terms are soo hard to understand. cant we just use one language?? yish. and classes are soo interactive. i cant stand being the quiet one. its not that i dont know the answers, i cant translate it fast enough to make a full sentence without making a fool of myself. sheessshh how i wish i could get out of this language hell.

you know, those days when you just tune off your ears in public places but you just cant seem to avoid hearing what people are saying? yea, well apprently, now, when i tune off, i totally have the upper hand of being a total ignorant. not good. because i like listening to people. i like wacthing. i love seeing how people interact with one another. there was this one time, i coulndt even make out what a 4 year old and his mother were saying. mann, what a boost of self-esteem.

susah susah susaahhhh!

GODD this is tiring. and i LOVE to bitch over this on and on but its not like im going anywhere anyways. eh. wow. i never knew i really have this much of negativity in me. hmm someday, i'll know how to put a good use in it. in the meantime, i need to regain self confidence. sebab aku akan ada test oral!!! agghh.

psst. got a secret. i secretly think that one of my friends looked like jake gyllenhaal. i swear if i ever tell anyone who knows him that i think that, i'll be dead. pronto. jake, lelaki yahudi kacak dengan rambut gelap serta mempunyai sepasang mata dalam berwarna biru. tidak dapat disangkal lesung pipitnya juga ada daya penarik tersendiri. keh keh. well anyways, i know they dont have the same set of eyes, or even the same nostrils but somehow, between those facial lines, i swear i see jake in him, and i see him in jake. which is soooo demn weird!

and so i saw brokeback mountain. huih adrenaline rush. anyways since i soo see this friend of mine in jake, its kinda weirded me off just to hold a conversation with him cause i got this flashes of visual images of brokeback mountain. yishh. man. yissshh.





ps : this friend of mine, dia melayu. kaw kaw.

Miss Saigon Medley

reminiscence of bad school days. haihhh..

oh and shit i deleted my 'aku menjerit macam gajah tersunggkur langgar babi hutan' entry.kah kah.

UPDATES!!!!

Ok guys. aku dah update. good luck, suckers!!! panjang siul. but since aku update ikut kronologi you guys have to scroll upwards not downwards. watever the dates will tell when i wrote what.








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saturday , 23.09.2006


-ooomg i finished watching gol dan gincu the series season 1. script not bad. story line yeaa getting warmer.but lead actor/actress suck! fazura and pierre andre. thannks for ruining the whole thing. was directors fault as well. hamenede la? pierre andre was demn stiff and fazura. omg fazura. menyampah sial aku nak habiskan cite tuh. naseb ade pelakon pembantu yang berjaya menaikkan seri.

i thought i hated sazzy falak. i got this assumption that shes the Bitch. apparently, she can act. talent mannn talent she got there. i know putris suppose to be this bimbo versi melayu but halluuu its not it. i saw bimbo melayu real life. what she got there was beginners act. aku komplen bukan nak kata aku pandai berlakon but hey, im not the one on the screen every single week on national tv. i know they have to speak english konon-konon nak tunjuk yang diorang ni kl lites/kaya/heppening/sosial. but hey, its sooo typical to show that people who can speak english have english accent when they speak malay.

kamooonnnnnn la. yo fazura. polish up your accent. you're an actress now, dont you think you should do something about it? if maya karin can do it why not you? its not like your being raised by americans/english. ashraf sinclair pon buleh cakap elok-elok. in fact i think you should even polish up your english accent. make up your mind. one time youre pronouncing things in english accent, and another time you do it in american. kalau tak boleh sangat clean it up. have a clear malay accent. tak payah nak campur-campur. dah la line cliche, you should at least make it your own. kalo setakat cenggitu aku pon buleh berlakon. credits to sazzy falak. i thought shes the only one with clear english/malay accent. kalo cakap melayu cakap elok-elok. kalo cakap inggeris cakap elok-elok. kalo tak orang menyampah.

pierre andre pulak stiff gila babi. kalo tengok filem salon, omg the first 20 minutes dont even attract me to watch any further. he was demn stiff, lead actress in that film was stiff as well. stereotype, ikut skrip. dia pon ada accent mengada bila cakap melayu. aaanyways my point is, he gave me a bad impression that he couldnt act and again succesfully proved that he actually couldnt. whats to it even if you have a great name/famous family member and an eligible bachelor? acting fail. but that guy who played haikal, he was good as hell. when hes suppose to be a jerk, he was and i thought he was kinda annoying. and when he was suppose to be funny, he was. and aku suka pulak dia. not that im saying i have a crush on him. cause i dont. kudos for his acting, though.

-uih. malaysian filming/broadcast is improving huh? i thought yesterday they were talking about censorship and today we are producing films that are not recluctant whatsoever to display emotions physically on the screen. gut example is gubra. hmmm although the actors/actress are not stiff and daring tapi.... hmm pe buleh buat, malaysia dah memang macam tu. and im embarrassed man, the majority of malaysia are muslims. i cant answer back when people(non muslims) ask us about why what i do, what i explain about islam differ totally from what they show on the screen. demn. i dont know. i cant answer that. i sooo demn embarressed mannn. peluk sana sini, cium sana sini. kalau nak pakai tudung kenapa pakai yang jarang-jarang, as if nak tunjuk alim tapi nak tunjuk satu dunia jugak dia ada rambut. tak pakai tak payah pakai. jangan on/off. people often knew malaysia as an islamic country, which is not. although we are the majority. but when the germans ask, do they sell alcohol there?, or they sell pork?, and i told thyea you can find them everywhere, they kinda give me that look. that i-thought-they-are-muslims? kinda look. mannnn, now people think that we are too freaking secular. hahahah which i cant deny that we are. alah if leaders of the country minum arak macam tunggang air mineral, aku sekecil ni macam mana nak defend negara dan agama sorang-sorang? dah terang benderang mata dunia tengok kita minum arak. raja-raja. ketua agama dan adat resam konon. tengok pergi royal parties kat tangan pegang martini, champagne. hmmmm... tak sebut lagi perangai belakang tabir. welll aaaanyways penat la kasi impression pasal negara seniri, kalau orang besar-besar tak reti nak jaga. bukan menteri saja, malahan pelakon, director, skripwriter, semua pon ambil la peranan masing-masing.

i am sooo demn confused with asians these days. we are so proud to be asians, but at the same time we are contradicting ourselves by being americanized. i mean, not just malaysians, chinese, japs. they hated english speaking people, saying that their language are better than the rest of the world, but seriously, they dont act like they are suppose to anymore. ethnocentric yeaaa but lie. they just humph if they feel like it. they live together in a house. that aint no asian if you ask me.

-kakakaka so im bitching around because apparently i have nothing to do but laze around and kill myself with dvds/series. less than two weeks i finished the 4400 season 1,2,3, desperate housewives season 2, americas next top model season 3,6, gol dan gincu season 1, combos of movies, anugerah era, currently catching up with one in a million (i heart faizal. and nanananaaazri jipun), the apprentice season 5, and couple of japs/korean series. whoa. mana otak aku tak lembab/pelupa?

-oh pms/period pain suck. big time. i have stomach when im having pms (keh keh even if i dont have it i have stomach but its waaayyy too obvious when pms) and i tend to eat a lot. not that i dont. but demn. A LOT. and my breasts kinda got swollen because of the hormonal changes. that hurts mann. and then i get emotional. ish ingat jadik perempuan ni senang ka? nampak senang la but the hormones in us, they're just going crazy man. then comes period. and period pain. sakit wooo. perut masih buncit. and to think that i have to go through this every single month for another 30-40 years. emmm unless i got pregnant. which not gonna be more than 3 times. so maximal im not gonna go through pms/period pain for about 27 months in my life (before menopause), that aint so motivating i'd say. in fact, even scarier cause i'll be carrying around a kid me for those 27 months. can life be more complicated than this? but hey, these ARE the creation from Him. who can question?







___________________________________________________________________________




Friday, 22.09.2006

hahah finallly, i found an apartment that i fell in love with on the first sight. totally empty except the kitchen but, i loved it cause i can interior design maself. mannnnnn, finally aku buleh design seniri bilik aku the way i want it to be. so now since im into green, black and white/cream, tats how my rooms gonnabe.

so basically i bought my bed wit black metal rim, a lush black table, black/green wheeled chair, white rack, black metal rimmed kleiderschrank with creamish white cloth(which totally match ma bed), two green/cream wall lamp. greenish things are coming soon. green ikea stuffs are like shrots man. they suck. they dun even have gut bed sheets. now i need to go and hunt down some green stuffs. and im gonna get me some fishes and cactus. and since im in the mood of ramandhan and raya (budak sini suma dah siap sound suruh buat rendang, mentang2 ada dua budak perempuan ja), i already bought lampu raya. aaaalaaaaaaaahhhhh yang kelip kelip macam cite meteor garden tuuu.. kah kah sama la org sini jual sebab halloween nak dekat, aku siap2 beli sebab nak masuk bulan posa... lala. semangat nyaaa! nobody or nothing should kill ma mood since i feel this great, or i wont go to class.

haahahahahahahahahahahahahahah it feels great when you have a place on your own. sooo im thinking of getting a plasma tv. keh keh. aku balik mesia aku buleh jadi pengangur terkaya. mana ada can balik mesia nanti nak beli pelik pelik. sementara aku ada duit baik aku beli.

anywaysss credits to shaz cause he helped a lot during this pindah/interiors hunting period. speaking of him man i never thought i would meet a guy, same age, who has the same music taste. as in classic music/golden oldies/music in the 90s/mando diao(!!!!!!). and thank god hes not into rap/linking park/music pening kepala/anything i thought that wouldve been lame. mann, its like, wow. not that im saying its attractive. i mean, it is. but not sexually attractive, only mentally. if there is such thing. macam soulmate. kakakakakaka no no no. hoi die laki orang hoi dun get any funny ideas. anywaysssss, its just, wow.

god, banyak la aku nak tulis tapi dah lupa pulak. i was supposed to bitch over my first 3 sucked weeks around here. tapi sebab dah excited nak mati dapat rumah yang aku suka, aku lupa dah semua. o yea, im moving around here with a bike. kakakakaka 50 tahun aku tak naik beskal, sekali kene naik beskal 5 tahun akan datang. since im prone to accidents, banyak la jugak accident aku ngan beskal, nak jatuh/brake mengejut sampai terlompat dari axis beskal/salah row jalan (germans are very serious when it comes to cycling/driving. so even with a bike you have to ride it on the right side. if not - tiket saman mai.)/nak parking pon susah sebab beskal berat siutt. pretty much catastrophic.

oooooooooo im really worried. ive been really forgetful these days. like, really REALLY forgetful. like, seriously forgetful as in, when im in a conversation and i was sooooo darn excited telling about it, and suddenly somebody just interrupt me with a non-relating question, and i respond, then, zap! i forgot i even said anything before that. weird huh? and i dun even wanna to remember. that person wasnt me mannnn. im suppose to be alll excited to tell somebody a story. and im suppose to know what i was talking about. and i dun even imitate people anymore. not that im dun want to, but i cant. i cant. i cant? why a? the fun in telling a story/conversation/event isnt there anymore. i think its because i cant remember the details
of the story/conversation/event clearly and thus i tend to just synosized it. thats baaaad. how am i suppose to convey the real situation? last time i just have to replay the scenario and let other people just do the assumptions. at least, im not the one whos conveying the whole situation as what i think or what i see. people see it in their own interpretations. now, i just translate everything into words. which i dun think its that gut cause the choices of wrong words could make me spreading another story, of my own, in my own words, and somehow, i could end up in hell from spreading fitnah. kah kah. serious jugak aku pikir. tapi betul la. ade alzheimer ke aku? watching that korean "a moment to remember" its really scary. dan sedih lah. ish ke sebab hati gelap tu la sebab jadi pelupa? aaahhh takut la. jaga makan jaga lidah jaga iman. hmm.










p/s: duit dah masuk. dan baru habis because of all the furniture. and im serious as hell about that plasma tv.





___________________________________________________________________

tuesday, 05092006


ohhh darn. im soo fucking broke. so fucking broke. im, like, the brokest of them brokes. haishhh.

sedih la aku cenggini.. financial back up lansong tak ada. the thing is, everyone's broke. especially those here in bocholt. i refuse to call up my parents. in case they asked about my financial status. issshh mati aku je kena lecture.

i have minus-minus kredit in the bank. and i have around €25 in my wallet. if i count up my coins, (lucky for me, i have some coins save) i got like around €16. got to keep being thrifty till for another week. nasib baik talipon guna line. kalo kredit? cant even imagine.

so right now im surviving eating fruits, breads and yogurts. thats all i can afford. well, at least that covers up my fucking fat arse. ngahahaha serves me right sebab makan macam tong dolu2. sekarang tak payah susah-susah nak exercise. tapi aku still besa macam gajah.

my optimism is running out. soo fakken tiring staying here. apperently, we got a place to stay but its a hostel. not like a hostel like students can stay, but more like a place where students stay for a hols. hullo??! i have to pay like around €290 for a month! that means, you have to pay for about €30 for a night. i wouldnt stay here even if im in hols. and i have to pay extra if i wanna use the washing mashine. no internet. if i wanna use internet,i gotta pay €1 for half an hour. aku duduk kat bandar besa maca cologne pon satu jam satu euro je. in this ghetto place. this isnt remotely near any civilisation. everything here is expensive.


anywhooooo, this isnt the lowest point of my life. in fact im kinda sursprised that i almost didnt feel anything. almost. i felt worse. and it feels even great that im not that sad. coz now i know, money isnt everything to me. hmm.

tapi........














cepat la aku dapat rumah.
cepat la masuk duit.
cepat la
cepat la
cepat la.