hmm.

i dont need muses. i just need one.

the ying to my yang.

the gravity to pull me back when im drifting.

the oxygen when i suffocate.

the tyler durden of my fight club.

like the zanpakutou of a shinigami.

the clearasil to my zit.

the dictionary to my deutsch.

The Muse. my muse.


thats all.

now i can remember.

what does it really mean if i had more than 4 dreams that took place at the same background? it was my childhood house till im around 9-10 years old.

remember the tiger kid that jumped up on me? yea now i remember. i was in the house. my childhood house.

and i had another dream in which i had to build a room into a sound and smellproof one. because my boss (former) wanted to conceal a murder. since the fact that his stupidity is apparent, therefore i wouldnt even want to waste my time (not that time really is essential in dreams) to question him why wouldnt he just bury the corpse and let it decay. my point is, the room is in my childhood house.

and there were a few more.

questions questions questions.

or am i just paranoid to analyze every single dream that i can remember?

speaking of dreams that i can remember, couple of days ago i dreamt of two siput babis mating. geli nak mati. but then again its prolly an effect watching the L word.

ngehngeh.

kate moennig is somewhat meg ryan meets milla jovovich. and somewhere between those two there's ellen degenerees.

simply stunning.

this is what they call girl crush?

no. nothing serious. just adoration. great actress, though.

work is dunzo. finally im off from The psychotic Pervs.

imagine how torturing it is to sit in the office with him staring at the computer for more than 6 hours every single day of the week including on saturdays. aku belajar pon tak macam gitu. but oh wait - bila aku belajar pon?

anyway.

i cant fucking stand his voice answering the phone. so full of .. shit. and hipocracy. if at the other end of the line is a woman, he would say things like, "oh you have a very beautiful voice" or "surely a very nice lady like you yourself can work things out".

oh okay, so you think, 'whats wrong with being charming?'
but honey, i tell you this. he is not charming. he's just being.. yish.. menggelikan. oh and if he's talking to a guy, then he would be telling about the girls working for him aka "oh right now im having these two hubsches malaysian girls, bla bla" or "i had this girl working for me this one time, bla bla.." or "oh yea, yea, i remember that girl. bla bla bla". perempuan perempuan perempuan.

but finally when his mom barged in the office (guess what - he lives with his parents. and he's, like, 40 something. L.O.S.E.R) lectured him for hiring different girls every single month. his mom was soooo pissed off that she actually warned this new russian girl that her son is very the miang. kakakakakakakaka i swear to god it was so fakken painful to keep my face straight. at the time. the (biatch) secretary told me that the russian girl is the 3rd girl of the month (february at the time).

oh. rupenye telenovela jugak orang german ni. the best part was when the mother came in to have yet another cat fight and he took the vacuum cleaner and vacuumed the carpet. i mean, wtf is going on??? ngahahaha and the song secreto de amor came into my mind and played non-stop the whole day. (sebab satu lagu tu je lagu telenovela yang lekat dalam otak masa tu)

anyway.

worse of all. i cant fucking stand his sense of humor.
he thinks a muslim woman taking off her cap (the cap he asked to wear) is funny. i know. i dont get it either. but apparently, when he asked me to take my cap off and i made a face, he then laughed and said it was just a joke. in front of the whole staff. fucker.

i still find it okay, if he offers us vodka or tea with alcohol. ha ha. but to repeat them like 10 times at different times - please la bitch. if i dont even curve my lips to smile then its just time to wrap it around your head - its. not. funny.

and telling people i'm his girlfriend. Puke!! Puke!!!!!! and he's shorter than me!!

and he always touches my shoulder when i'm off guard. and then said, 'im joking.' i had gossebumps everytime. fuck it man - its sexual harassment!!!!!

aku geli ahhh laki miang!!! get a hooker lah oi! aku bagi pelempang hang tuah baru tahu.

okay, so another point which made me think - oh ada lagi kah orang sebegini di negara maju ini??

all the computers in his office (ada 3 je pon) were all oldschool. i mean, no prob. but microsoft office pon tak ada original- apa cerita? doesnt he know that its actually illegal for a company to do such thing?

and then his diskette drive broke down. he wanted to test the drive with other diskettes and asked me if i own one. i was like, ' no i dun own diskettes. at all.' and he asked, 'what??! diskettes are not modern anymore??' and i was, 'ummm yap. pretty much. most laptops dont have built in diskette drives anymore.' and he asked, 'so what do people use these days?'

i gagged. i couldnt put on my poker face this time. it was just reflex and my jaw dropped.

'people use.. USB or CD i guess. even better if you have bluetooth' (which i highly doubt).

'so you have any idea to transfer these files to another computer asap?'

'yea, you could use my ipod for a while'

and he stared unbelievably because it has never occur to him that an mp3 player could save files. maybe he just doesnt get the whole idea of an mp3 player in the first place.

god i miss tektronix. this work experience hasnt contribute to me educationally at all. unless planting a 15 feet tree is educational.

this is a mental torture.

updates.

my first day of work is the worstseeeesst first day of work in the history of worst first days. i just had too much of what the fuck moments in one week time that it has come to one point which i think that this couldnt be real anymore.

the cool boss apparently isnt cool at all. the first day of work he just left 3 of us - who had no idea what the hell to do - on the streets with a dysfunctional gate.and we're suppose to repait it. what the fuck?

typical german wheather - raining all day long. we were standing in the cold for what seemed like forever. the boss said he needed to go to court to settle something official. i wanted soo much to pee but had to walk for 15003762 km to look for toilets. we didnt bring anything along aka money, therefore we couldnt budge from where we were. no food no drinks, just us, the stupid gate, the cold and the rain. for 6 fucking hours. what the fuck??

on our way back to the workshop, the boss was talking to his friend in the phone about us (malaysian girls la konon). then, he insisted us to go with to some party the next day. sure he mentioned it earlier but we all thought it was midday. apparently, its an evening party. and he promised his friend to introduce us to his friend. what the fuck?? he's pimping us out or what??

the fact that we couldnt wear hijabs- thus me wearing serkup and extra large cap with turtle necks and mufflers - yea, makes me feel like a fucking social retard. i mean- what the fuck is the problem there?? he said - i have no problems with hijabs but clients do. yea, right. so why cant i just wear them in the workshop? lame reason, honey. kalau boleh dia nak kami bukak semua. i wont do it if he oferred me 1 million euro.

the next day, we worked with the same retarded gate. he was there all right - making sounds to every woman who passed by. please la bitch, have some self respect. macam la kitorang semua tak tahu kau ni desperate , wanted to get laid, since you're bachelor terlajak. good thing we girls werent the only one who felt that. lelaki german lain pon. muahaha. we declined the party invitation, since mamat-mamat german lain pon nasihat jangan pergi. i mean- what the fuck?? if the party is suppose to be a company thing - why invite only the female population??

the thing got me so pissed sampai rasa mahu belasah orang;
i am fine with the fact that there's only one female toilet. alah bengkel je pon. but im not fine with the fact that we couldnt use it, eventhough the changing room is next to it. instead we have to walk all the way to male toilet to settle any natural calls. what the fuck?? what's the problem? the only person who can use the toilet is his secretary. okay so we thought - oh maybe she's using her own toilet paper, so we brought our own. i dont do natural calls in public toilets so i dont care much about the toilet paper. tapi aku kenalah ambil wudhuk. takkan nak ambil wudhuk kat toilet lelaki. so yesterday right after work we went in to change and guess what??? the fucking biatch secretary padlock the toilet. what the fuck?? busuk gila hati. dah la aku tak pernah nampak minah demanding ni, tapi aku rasa ringan ja tangan macam nak kasik satu tumbukan. gila. maybe she has some problem with foreigners. or maybe she's the one who pays all the water bills. or maybe she got some herpes and doesnt want to share it with other female population in the company. beats me. tapi kenapa aku rasa dia tak semulia itu?? ugh. witch! i soo wish she does have herpes and it fucking burnssss everytime she pees. muahahaha. i know i know i have ill thinkings.

so this morning, i refuse to go to work. elly refused to wake up. and minim is the only one who i think felt responsible about the whole working thing, so she got up and left. good for you, girl. i dont care.its not like he's paying any of his azubi and praktikanten doing all the work for his company. dah belambak-belambak apprentice timbul di kampeni dia, its not any different if i go to work or not. the hell with him. it brings a bit of comfort to know that at least we're not the only one whos complaining. the whole bunch hari-hari mengutuk dia. hahah. i lyke!

but ugh. what the fuck?? it doesnt change the fact that i went to work for just 3 days no more. and im still counting for these days to end.

i have always thought mckenzie as the younger version of crowe. no??

crap.

i am fakken embarrassed to go to class. thus the anti-socialness.

papers dont seemed to be tough but somehow i managed not to answer them. prolly because of the last minute cramming. and panic attack. and break down. blergh. wtf. i'll repeat with open heart.

and ugh. monday i'll be working. malasnya aku mahu berschweißen..

----------

i dig heavy films. or at least the non-conclusive.

which got me the thinking, aku ni sadist ke?? mungkin. atau aku ni dramatic. sebab aku suka ending orang mati. sebab itu baru namanya ending. dan aku suka buat kesimpulan muahahah.

----------

apart from johnny depp, now i think edward norton is one hella talented individual.

thats it. i cant do tae-bo no more.

backpain issues!!

i'll stick to pilates.

aku sedih gila.

1) ermm The News. pecah hati, okay?

2) semenjak dua tiga tahun ni, aku tak boleh tido kalau esok aku ada paper exam. macam-macam. contohnya, aku bergolek-golek selama 1-2 jam sebelum lelap mata. atau aku akan bangun hampir setiap jam. ataupun yang paling seksa - mimpi ngeri.

3) semalam aku mimpi ngeri sekali lagi.

mimpi bermula dengan seronok sekali. aku dan beberapa rakan (x hingat muka tapi berkemungkinan tinggi glace kerana aku rasa aku ingat muka amyan kahkah) pergi bercuti ke suatu tempat yang rupanya seakan-akan sepanyol/greek - kerana manusia bulih melepak di atas bukit sambil melihat laut. ah susah benar nak memperumpamakan pemandangan tersebut. apa yang aku ingat, selepas itu aku dah bersiap sedia hendak terjun masuk kolam renang, tapi 3 saat sebelum aku mengangkat kakiku untuk menjunam, tiba-tiba ada makhluk menyuakan satu kertas soalan. aku harus mengira bagaimana untuk melakukan penjunaman yang paling berkesan. dan terdapat coretan seperti cos ß sin ß entah hapa momentum pusingan dan lain-lain. benci betul. hati pedih. dan aku tidak bulih berenang kerana aku tidak tahu menjawab soalan tersebut malahan itulah pertama kali aku melihat soalan begitu ropa. jahaaaaat jahaaaat!! dan mimpi ku diakhiri dengan menyaksikan beberapa mat salleh sedang 'snorting some coke'. (tak tau dalam bm apa)

4) need i say more?? paper mechanik hari ni. tak boley jawab..

this is it.

after years of waiting. after pushes of attempts.

its official. i am jack's broken heart.

that's it.

this is the end.

i have got to say this.

i had enough looking at poseurss. emm malaysian poseurss. i mean, come on. you dont have to display you holding dark-glassed bottles in a middle of a rave just to show the whole word you can party like hard-cores. and snap with some drunk caucasian just to tell people you're somewhat outgoing. kissing the opposite sex to advertise that you're umm.. promiscuous? wearing skanky outfits holding a little olive in you salt-rimmed martini just to shout out you belong to somewhat THE upper class of the society. and prolly the children of important people in malaysia. and worse of all, you claim yourself to be a muslim. please. (me- rollin eyes)

shessh. okay. apa masalah aku? hahah i just have so much hate that i want to vent it out here. thank you very much. im just stating that i detest all the grandstand plays. comprendez??

because im worried. malaysia is very unstable right now. with politics. and weather. banjir belum settle, elnino is coming. and will prolly stay for a while. what will most of the "prominent" people do? bawak isteri, anak-anak dan saudara mara lari ke luar negara. while these people busy sipping their chardonnays, and their children busy climbing up the social ladder, the "common people" in malaysia are the one whos going through the agony of the instability that the "upper class" triggered.

stating my piece of mind. peace out, y'all.

When i said i love watching House MD, everybody went like, 'God, can you be lamer??'

Apperently, its now the biggest hit on television. Beating Greys Anatomy and Prison Break.

TAKE THAT, YOU LAME-Ossss!!!






p/s : and its educational too.

-oh blogger dah upgrade. bagus.

-buat tae bo 30 mins rasa nak pengsan. gila sakit.

-i dont get it. seriesli. people always come up to me and assumed that im actually athletic. since i was younger, people tend to think i can do sports. merepek!!! gimme any kind of balls, i cant score. o wait. wait wait. scratch that. hahahhahahahaha not all balls. i think. yish.

anyhoo, what im trying to say is, there has got to be a reason behind that aitt? nak kata aku ada broad shoulder, tak jugak. nak kata aku berotot ketul-ketul, people cant tell, can they? with my black clothes and all. oh mungkin they think all the flabbiness are muscles? ermm maybe not. nak kata aku kurus - hahaha. yea, sure. harsh features, maybe? and the way i present myself? and the way i talk? aww come on, i thought jocks are jerks? im a jerk? whattt?? no wayyyy. cewah tanak ngaku.

but seriously. last month i went to a job interview and my boss (future anyways) said im athletic. and all three of us (elly and minim) broke a big laugh. lized?? sports?? kohkoh. im flattered by the way. and he offered to stay longer at the mall - so that i can 'nette männer schauen' (mengusha lelaki hensem). hahahahahahah. cool la boss aku. macam paham-paham. the thing i dont understand is - why among three he offered me? aku pakai tudung dan hitam whereas one didnt wear any and the other was wearing a flourescent yellow hijab. ermm shoudnt i be the one who fits the 'self-blaster' criteria?? among three i dont think i look like the flamboyant one.

so it got me the thinking, should i be flattered or feel insulted? because i pushed away all the stereotypes about muslims being reserved - and we can be cool too. but at the same time i dont potray and present as a good muslim. i honestly dont know.

but i guess its just me. all me.

kepingin mahu nasi goreng usa....

hari pertama peperiksaan : technical drawing

perasaan sebelum : apa aku nak jawab ni??

perasaan semasa : haha kelaka pulak.
exam open book - buku tak membantu.
orang depan meniru - tak membantu juga.
elly disebelah - tak membantu juga (wavelength otak sama dgn aku).
pensel, pembaris, pemadam acapkali berjatuh-jatuhan memecahkan hening atmosfera peperiksaan- tak membantu juga.
orang ketawa bila barang aku semua jatuh - tidak membantu sama sekali.

perasaan selepas : hahahahahahahHAHAHAHAHAHhahahahahahHAHAHAHAHAH

aku high sial. konfem repeat. kecuali kalau miracle berlaku.

penyelesaian : duit jpa dah masuk. retail theraphy!! tadi masuk innenstadt, esok aku nak pegi jalan ikea.

tralala~

ever had one of those uncomfyness at least once a month, like having back pain and stomach pain, in the middle of the cold, especially during menstruation?? aka periodpain?? and you just HATE it?? and you can't take one of the menstrual panadol crap anymore??

well well lucky you. cause you got me to figure things out for you!

muahah. hah. hah.

just take a verrrry long hot shower. not warm but hot. preferably accompanied by songs like 'kissing a fool' or 'moondance'.

guarantied. very soothing.

has anybody ever questioned her/himself, why the hell am i doing this?? why did i chose this??

i do.

this is hard. no one has ever told me that this is gonna be hard. i mean, i confess, i did take things for granted, thinking things will be served on a silver platter. but that doesnt mean i have never anticipated that its gonna be hard as well.

its just... this is just harder than i thought it would be.

and then, there comes the 'what if' game. what if -? what if -? what if -? but then there will be to much questions with no answers. so why bother asking in the first place?

because i am such an avoider. if i have one wish i would want to be in the state of cryptobiosis. be still. but that doesnt stop time from running. doesnt change anything. at all. so why bother making a wish in the first place?

because i'm the kind of person who would always take the easiest way out. now there is no option left. no turning back. no nothing. just one road in front of me. and i need to do this. but i'm almost worn. no. i take it back. i'm not worn. i just barely started.

i'm just.. this close (setengah cm) to bailing out. i hope i dont break down and leave things as it is. its just so very the chicken of me to do so.

so whats the verdict, huh??





doubtful. very doubtful.




p/s : this is a freaking out session.

semalam aku mimpi...

doremon buat showcase kat pekan bocholt.
macam tak percaya pulak orang german layan katun jepung.
aku pon terhegeh hegeh kayuh basikal pergi pekan nak tengok doremon.
lepas masuk tempat showcase doremon dah tak beraksi.
tapi makanan free dijamu kepada orang ramai.
aku pon apa lagi, nak serbu lah.
cuba teka makanan apa yang di jamu???


hah?? dorayaki??




SALAH!!

jawapanya....




CEKODOK!!!!!

lagi aku tak percaya orang jepung layan makanan melayu.
tibak aku bangun.
terus pergi dapur.
tak gosok gigi, tak basuh muka.
terus lenyek pisang, nak buat cekodok.
terus goreng.
lepas mandi try la telan cekodok.
masin???
laaaaaa..
lupa nak tuka minyak rupanya.
habis kunyit garam goreng ayam semalam melekat kat cekodok.


cisss. doremon punya pasal.

omg omg omg omg omfg!!!

hahah guys look what i found. this came to me while i was doing the dishes. biasalah aku kan buat kerja tak lemah gemalai so while rearranging the pots and pans, keluarlah bunyi bunyian. dengan tiba-tiba - mulut aku menuturkan perkataan-perkataan ini satu persatu ;

she'd scour the pot and scrape the pan
and thooooooough her daddy would scream and shout!!

HAHAHA sapa ingat angkat tangan??!!!! (dengan semangat ahli kelas dua jaya mengangkat tangan) so i googled and found....

Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout
Would not take the garbage out!
She'd scour the pots and scrape the pans,
Candy the yams and spice the hams,
And though her daddy would scream and shout,
She simply would not take the garbage out.
And so it piled up to the ceilings:
Coffee grounds, potato peelings,
Brown bananas, rotten peas,
Chunks of sour cottage cheese.
It filled the can, it covered the floor,
It cracked the window and blocked the door
With bacon rinds and chicken bones,
Drippy ends of ice cream cones,
Prune pits, peach pits, orange peel,
Gloppy glumps of cold oatmeal,
Pizza crusts and withered greens,
Soggy beans and tangerines,
Crusts of black burned buttered toast,
Gristly bits of beefy roasts. . .
The garbage rolled on down the hall,
It raised the roof, it broke the wall. . .
Greasy napkins, cookie crumbs,
Globs of gooey bubble gum,
Cellophane from green baloney,
Rubbery blubbery macaroni,
Peanut butter, caked and dry,
Curdled milk and crusts of pie,
Moldy melons, dried-up mustard,
Eggshells mixed with lemon custard,
Cold french fried and rancid meat,
Yellow lumps of Cream of Wheat.
At last the garbage reached so high
That it finally touched the sky.
And all the neighbors moved away,
And none of her friends would come to play.
And finally Sarah Cynthia Stout said,
"OK, I'll take the garbage out!"
But then, of course, it was too late. . .
The garbage reached across the state,
From New York to the Golden Gate.
And there, in the garbage she did hate,
Poor Sarah met an awful fate,
That I cannot now relate
Because the hour is much too late.
But children, remember Sarah Stout
And always take the garbage out!

Shel Silverstein, 1974

WEEEE!


what a great day. the suns up, the winds blowing and all i need are sand, sea and surf to complete the day. heheh. no, seriously the most important thing that contributed to this bliss - the black out. had the most blackest black out last night. as in, black out otak. i couldnt get myself to sleep for a few days now, and last night, whoa. like, whoa. i woke up smiling, thats how great it was.




anyhoo im just wondering, how come i could be such a retard at times? happened to me couple of times;

i just sit, staring blankly at the wall, wondering what the hell i'm suppose to do next. i know i need to do something - pronto - but what?? should i text someone, should i pray, oh no scratch that, did that already. hmm should i go and eat? or.. ugh what??

oh yea. i know.

nak pergi berak jap.







supastik, kan??

memonteng kelas itu nikmat.

peperiksaan itu serabut.

mengayuh basikal itu kesakitan.

membeli barangan itu kebahagiaan.

bankrapsi itu sengsara.

lagha itu memusnahkan.

rabun (serta astig) itu tidak menyelesakan.

lagu lama (motown, rock n roll, 50s, 60s, 70s) itu menaikkan sheikh (hahah high??).

chia (andy chiavetta y'all) itu panas.

skimmboardin itu godaan.

dan cinta itu... pedih?

oh aku tidak tahu. rupanya Orkan Kyrill sedang meributi hampir seluruh Eropah.

aku sepatutnya ke kelas pagi tadi. malangnya ku terpassed out lalu terbangun lambat. bila ku buka mata, angin sepoi² sprache (bahasa) bertiup.

bila ku buka berita, ropanya Kyrill. tidaklah sesepoi yang kusangka.

tempatku. 1 Knot = 1.85 km/h

fuhh ini adalah kelajuan angin dalam masa 1 pm, pada masa yang sama aku patut berkayuhan pulang ke rumah.

alhamdulillah ku tertidur. kalau ku berkayuh ke kelas pagi tadi, basikalku mesti tidak bergerak. lembu hanya mampu memandang penuh simpati sahaja.

(dengan nada seriuus) 3 nyawa telah terkorban di Jerman akibat ribut ini.

uhh?

-bank negara's cheuque bounced?

-PKN kids being sent to johor to help the flood victims??

-there's GAN (Gerakan Anti-Najib) ??

-Anwars fighting Najib?

-Najib has something to do with the Mongolian model's murder??

-and he's trying to meet Mahathir, who's up in London, but refused to meet Najib?

-and uummmm.. Pak Lah went down and under to Australia to ummmm.. merasmikan restoran Nasi Kandar??

-all these while Johorians are struggling to keep their heads up above the water?? literally.







man.. politics back at home is sooo scandalous, i live for this shit. even if half of it are not true, they are still juicy rumors!!

i am currently listening to;
-Surfer Babe - McFly-

i am currently having a chain of thoughts regarding;

-surfing-

-jack johnson (and 'girl i wanna lay you down') -



and thus, making me think of;


and then, makes me feel almost impossible to;

-get those abs!!!-






damn the song surfer babe!

p/s : has anybody ever tried eating kitkat after brushing teeth? sedap gila tak tipu.

esok aku nak kayuh beskal pergi PLUS membeli ;





saja ja. walaupon aku dah byk lampu dalam bilik ni tapi aku sungguh tak tahan tengok lampu bermosaic itu. dan selama setahun disini aku bersejadahkan kain kecik oleh itu aku akan membeli rug cotton 10 euro. sekian.

while i was golek-goleking on the bed, there was this smell that hit my nostrils. a familiar smell. a smell of my childhood.

to be honest, i can't really remember my childhood in my nucleus family, apart from my mom rushing us to go to school every morning. when it comes to holidays, i just remembered spending them with my cousins, uncles and aunts.

and i don't know why, these images of me, my couz and my grandma, spending time in a big wooden bungalow (seemed big to me anyways, since i was smaller at that time) kept on haunting me this couple of days. and oh the smell. wonders smell can do.

i can't exactly remember at which beach we spent that holiday since every holiday we seemed to spend at beaches (thus kulit ku yang lebih hitam berbanding adik beradikku ini kehkeh). all i can remember is, the bungalow was just next to the beach but somehow we had to take a cable car to get there (berbukit yang maha tinggi agaknya). and every breakfast we sit together on the balcony overviewing the sea. i was so darn excited to get up every morning, and ate my breakfast as quickly as i could while watching jet skis.

and that was the time when i found out that i was a premature baby. tokyan (grandma) apparently was in the story-mory mode and after she finished her tale on how she spent her childhood, she told us about her experience as a grandma pulak. and then, about my birth. she said the doctor told my mum that she needs to do a cesarean operation, because my internal organs had developed within only 7 months. and since i could already digest, and bernyahtinja on my own, they need to get me out of there or i'll eat my own crap. yish. what a disturbing image.

well anyhooooo, i missed those days. days that i just could lay on the beach, letting the waves catch my body, hair and whatever else i had on. days that i could just hop on anybody's back to get a ride of jet ski. and eventually getting to drive it on my own. and then there's always banana boat. and lala kutiping. and then later eat it. sedap woooo rasa puas macam nelayan. kutip lala buat masak lemak cili api. haihhh... and then watch my skin gets dry - lack of sunlotion - lepas tu panggil kaki keringku kaki bersisik. and pretend i'm turning into a mermaid.

hahahHAHAHAH iye aku penuh imiginasi masa kecik-kecik dulu.

so come to think of it, its prolly why i don't really have my own space in the house. right after i went into the boarding school, my room was turned into the closet/bilik simpanan baju/ironing room. then currently, my dad turned the room as The Jamming Room. guitars, amplifiers blabla guitar maintenance.

so since tokyan passed away, i sometimes dominate her room. with a shower of my own. and telephone. the downside is - aircond rosak. and the fan twirls like shit. macam takada angin. so i resort to the living room occasionally. and i crash my sis's room. lama kelamaan aku tido aja dimana mataku nak tutup.

so now having my own room - and space - i loved it. still does. and i still will. everything in here is mine. and i have ultimate authority on every single item. where to put, which to throw, what color to decide (green semestinya). hahaha its MY perrogative!! (macam gila kuasa pulak). thus explains why i could be messy at times and a neat freak at times. because i need space on my own to implement my own system. and thats why i'm actually the biggest slob at home - even my dad can't tolerate it. heheheh actually coming from a man - it is embarassing. but then again, my dad is the ultimate perfectionist so... apa-apakan sajalaah abahhh!

WHAT A LOSER

hallo. my name is keshet and i have an addiction.

some people categorize my addiction as obsessive compulsive spectrum disorder (OCD) while some call it stereotypic movement disorder(SMD). i havent exactly been officially diagnosed since a lot of professionals out there dont really know whats going on about this addiction either.

i thought this addiction is just plain (but freaky) habit. like biting nails. i think its normal that people have this tendency to bite their nails, although i'd have to say its very unhygienic. but biting nails is different from what i have. because i've never actually met anybody who is as chronic as i am. until yesterday. apparently, only about 1%-3% of the population undergo this addiction. oh yes - they have found a name for it - trichotillomania.

this behavior has something to do with psychology. i guess my neurotransmitters just dont work too well. heheh. a lot of people who undergo this disorder usually were triggered by some stress environment or experienced sexual/physical/mental abuse. funny i started this addiction out of nothing. out of boredom maybe. it has been 8 years now and i dont even realize im doing it. sometimes when anxiety attacks, yes maybe, or sometimes when i think i wanna think, but in the end i ended up not thinking at all because im concentrating on it.

the way to cure is not yet available but treatment could do some good. the problem is, i either take a diet or take some medication. i can't go low carb, i'm a fucking student. and i can't take medication. because its either cannabis or prozac. hell i dont want to end up as a drug addict thank you very much. enough with depression and insomnia.

so now i need to be more alert to stay 'sober'. its like being alcoholic or drug addict, really. because you can and try to stay sober as long as you want but once you start on it again, bang! you're in the deep hole. again.


so, to me. PULL FREE!!

i don't care how much i get for the papers.










I. JUST. NEED. TO. PASS.

di kala kala ku sedang membuat lukisan kejuruteraan (yang kurang hajo ini) tiba-tiba baru ku sadari akan lirik lagu yang telah beribukali diputar dengan itunes ku. selama ini ku hanya suka mendengar melodinya yang agak rancak tapi bila ku amati liriknya, ia telah membuat ku tergelak kekehkehan.

"It Wasn't Me"
(Shaggy feat. Ricardo Ducent)

(Yo', man) Yo'
(Open up, man) What do you want, man?
(My girl just caught me) You let her catch you?
(I don't know how I let this happen) With who?
(The girl next door, you know) Man
(I don't know what to do) Say it wasn't you
(Alright)

Honey came in and she caught me red-handed
Creeping with the girl next door
Picture this, we were both butt naked
Bangin' on the bathroom floor

How could I forget that I had
Given her an extra key
All this time she was standing there
She never took her eyes off me

How you can grant the woman access to your villa
Trespasser and a witness while you cling to your pillow
You better watch your back before she turn into a killer
Best for you and the situation not to call the beaner
To be a true player you have to know how to play
If she say you're not, convince her say a day
Never admit to a word when she say makes a claim
And you tell her baby no way

But she caught me on the counter (It wasn't me)
Saw me bangin' on the sofa (It wasn't me)
I even had her in the shower (It wasn't me)
She even caught me on camera (It wasn't me)

She saw the marks on my shoulder (It wasn't me)
Heard the words that I told her (It wasn't me)
Heard the scream get louder (It wasn't me)
She stayed until it was over

Honey came in and she caught me red-handed
Creeping with the girl next door
Picture this, we were both butt naked
Bangin' on the bathroom floor

I had tried to keep her
From what she was about to see
Why should she believe me
When I told her it wasn't me

Make sure she knows it's not you and lead her on da right prefix
Whenever you should see her make da giggolo flex
As funny as it be by you, it not that complex
Seein is believin so you better change your specs
You know she not gonna be worrying bout things from the past
Hardly recollecting and then she'll go to noontime mass
Wait for your answer: go over there
But if she pack a gun you know you better run fast

But she caught me on the counter (It wasn't me)
Saw me bangin' on the sofa (It wasn't me)
I even had her in the shower (It wasn't me)
She even caught me on camera (It wasn't me)

She saw the marks on my shoulder (It wasn't me)
Heard the words that I told her (It wasn't me)
Heard the scream get louder (It wasn't me)
She stayed until it was over

Honey came in and she caught me red-handed
Creeping with the girl next door
Picture this, we were both butt naked
Bangin' on the bathroom floor

How could I forget that I had
Given her an extra key
All this time she was standing there
She never took her eyes off me

Gonna tell her that I'm sorry
For the pain that I've caused
I've been listenin to your reasonin
It makes no sense at all
We should tell her that I'm sorry
For the pain that I've caused
You may think that you're a player
But you're completely lost
That's why I sing

if i write entry almost everyday of the week that means;

1) i am very depressed
2) i have non-stop random thoughts
3) i just have some assignments due in the next few days

and right now, its the latter.

i know i have assignments and i'm trying to force my ass to stay put in front of the computer but the thing is, i can't put myself to finish my work. oh, in fact to start. my royal laziness is hard to beat!

so i find distractions. like polishing the silverware, every single mirror in the house, sweep the floor and since i don't own (yet) a vacuum cleaner, i sweep and pick up all the hair on the carpet, arranging papers, books, magazines (which dont need to be touched anyways), do the laundry, and finally make an apple pie.

hmmmmm...

and i've just started 0.1% of my assignment. its due on the 10th. and it consumes 10% of my finals.

so i guess i have priorities issue and i need to pull all-nighter.

yishhhhhh! mcmati!!!

kalau daripada ini....

MENJELMA MACAM NI...

kan bagus?

aku tak faham kenapa kebanyakan lelaki terutamanya lelaki melayu suka mengamalkan double standard.

kalau perempuan cakap banyak, lelaki kata bergosip.
kalau lelaki cakap banyak, kata 'we're doing some catching up'.
tapi kalau dapat perempuan tak happening, tak bercakap, kata buhsan.

kalau perempuan suka membeli belah, lelaki kata materialistik.
tapi lelaki pon tak bulih tahan tengok tanda sale, terutamanya pada jersey-jersey, barangan nike atau pon yang sewaktu dengannya.
dan ada hati hendak perempuan pandai dressing, kalau tak, kata selebet, kampung dan sebagainya.

kalau perempuan leleh air liur sikit tengok pelakon lelaki hollywood, kata perempuan ni memilih. dan bulih bising pulak kalau perempuan risau dengan berat badan.
padahal lelaki muka nak pecah rumah pon nak perempuan kurus, sexymeksi, seboleh bolehnya muka ada pan-asian.
yang paling teruk golongan yang suka menghina depan-depan mengatakan perempuan gemuk.


dalam hal-hal sebegini, siapa yang bersalah meletakkan standard-standard ke paras yang lebih tinggi?




tapi seperti yang dikatakan sebelum ini, KEBANYAKAN lelaki. tapi kalau ada yang terasa bahang, saya tidak bermaksud untuk mencakar balarkan ego anda.

cheerios y'all!

i am currently having a snowless winter.


its like having a VERY long autumn.


what a bummer.

EPISODE TWO OF CHRISTMAS BREAK

Day Two, Three and Four

-taki and i got into shopping mode and went into almost every shop to do a survey a.k.a nak book baju la konon dan menaruh harapan harga akan turun 50% on boxing day.

-picked up intan n friends. sorry intan. memang takle nak tahan kencing sesampai airport so i was in the mode of botol hunt.

-on day four i couldnt resist anymore. i saw 5pounds on the rack and grabbed whatever i think i liked. changing rooms dah tak main laa.

Day Five, 25th Dec

-macam sial ja satu manchester. walking in the city was like an experiece from Dawn of the Dead. there wasnt any bus on the streets and nando's pon tutup?? apa ni??

Day Six, Boxing Day

-hahahHAHAHA this is i think the most remembered day on my manchester trip. okay, i didnt tell anyone about this just to give the fellow readers the juiciest scoop. sorry taki intan niki..

-so anyways, intan and the gang woke up extremely early to box leaving us sleeping. taki then berkelam kabut to pick niki up. so i was basically left alone. and i took my own sweet time berlalalashowering since intan texted me there werent too many people boxing.

then things happenned. i didnt want to take the bus because as taki said, 'bus charge mahal gila masa boxing day!' so i strutted with confidence and i thought, 'piece of cake, we walked all over town yesterday.' and i strutted and strutted and - 'hey. apsal aku tak sampai-sampai lagi ni? i thought it took us less time yesterday than this. but everything still seemed familiar.'

until i reached the train station. which supposed to be nuts. (direct translation - kacang laaa). but its the other side of the train station. backside la kot. so i walked straight and at this point i totally depended on signboards. hahah because i didnt feel like going back and start all over again. piece of cake right? manchester isnt that big. and im walking so that means i'm not that lost. plus, the signboards are showing city center so that means i'm still not in city center.

i came to this tunnel and hell - scary berry okay?? very few cars and absolutely dimmed lights. okay, now i'm neither strutting nor walking. its called scramble. yes i was scrambling. and oh was i glad to be at the end of the tunnel because finally - sunlight! but to find an industrial area - huh?? so i stood there for two whole minutes figuring out - where the hell am i??

SHEFFIELD STREET was on the sign. there were two roads - one going into another tunnel and i think that was the way to the carpark and the other was going further more into the industrial area. ooookay. the sign to city center showed to go further into the industrial area but i really think i'm making a seriously big round of manchester.

should i go across the carpark and get out through the train station? but carparks are dangerous!

or should i just go into the kilangs area? when will i ever be in city center?

i am soooo not going back for what it is worth!

ugh. think!!!

and then, there came this car from the car park and stopped around 50 meters in front of me.

okay lized. time to go and ask.

but.. what if he's a pervert raper? or a psychotic serial killer? or a desperate robber who takes advantage of a lost foreigner? or even worse - he just simply doesn't care???

and when i walked past the car, i saw he was digging something at the back seat. fucking hell. i decided to walk away. the car then went into one of the factories and came out 3 minutes later and he looked at me. i guess he could smell the strong aroma of confusion and indecisiveness coming out from me.

ugh what the fuck. i should give him the benefit of the doubt!

me : ermm excuse me. you know which way should i take to get to city center?

driver : there * gesturing the creepy tunnel* . come, i'll take you there.

me : yea, you'd do that? thanks.

in the car ;

driver : so what are you doing back there?

me : figuring my way out.

driver : you do know that that was a red area, right?

me : what?? seriously?? nooo. no. omigosh. i was following the sign..

and then he asked couple of random questions like what was i doing in manchester.. blablabla. then he dropped me off at the bus station telling me which way to take and everything.

driver : oh and are you okay with cash?

me : umm yeah.

driver : you sure there?

me : yea yea. i'm TOTALLY fine. thanks.

dude, i got 150 pound in my wallet right freaking now, no worries. if you're a robber, this is your lucky day.

and so EVERYTHING seemed to be familiar again thanks to the driver and while working my way out i have done some self-reflecting.

-red area - either a no-entry area or place where hookers hang out. naseb pakai tudung bebbb!
-so he prolly thought i was short on cash since i didnt take any public transport.
-and ego kills.

but all in all, the whole thing didnt defeat my initial intention. hey, at least i got a free ride!!

so intan, remember that night when we wanted to go back to arndale and i asked you guys which way you took that morning? yea thats because i know jack which way to take.

-niki sampai. then kami bermakan-makan di nando's dan menonton PERFUME : THE STORY OF A MURDERER. a european film, thus a lot of nudity scenes. which can be totally ignored. not much of scripts thus VERY passionate expressions. i loved every plot.

-shopping dan shopping. tapi tak sesemangat intan.

-the rest was just good times with glace!!!

- i have no new year resolution whatsoever. sebab aku ni hangat-hangat tahi ayam. so dalam kepala saja. kalau tulis lagi tak mau buat.

-updates!!

EPISODE ONE OF CHRISTMAS BREAK

DAY ONE

-woke up extremely early and rehearsed every single change of train and flight and time. hoho. gabra jugak fly sorang-sorang.

-airport gate : apparently i was the only one flying to uk whos wearing hijab. black hijab, brown jaket and BIG brown boots. and yea, i was the only at the gate who got interrogated. panic waves for a while okay?? tapi muka control macho la. senyum manis kat pakcik interrogator tu biar dia cair sikit.

-flights were okay but at times i remembered final destination and langoliers. weird is, i've never thought of these when people i know were on the same plane. so i guess it must've been flying-alone paranoia.

-landed in style in manchester! dengan confident dan macho aku berjalan membeli tiket dan masuk train yang tidak diketahui kemana arahnya. so there were these two guys standing at the trains door.

me : um fährt der zug nach picadilly?

the 2 guys : huh???!!!

me : *oh yea crap. now i'm speaking german to english?* ehem. umm does .. this.. train.. go to picadilly?

(terhegeh nak cakap english. yela dengan siapa aku nak berborak dalam inggeris? oh yea and i pronounced picadilly as in pi-khe-delli)

the 2 guys : uh?

me : pi-KHE-delli.

the 2 guys : oh pi-ka-DELL-li. yea.

me : yea that. thanks. *aku mengamericanizedkan sangat ke pekataan tu??*

ugh that was embarrassing. first i spoke in german. second they stressed on how to pronounced the word in english. as in English. iye aku ini foreigner.

-entered taki's. welcomed by the aroma of ikan bilis goreng. huiii. terima kasiiih taki masak nasi lemak untuk aku.

-sesi bergitar sampai pengsan.

the stout fingers trying soo hard to look good in silhouette.

back in germany

muka selepas berboxing

i'll update later.

ehem.

testing..testing... dari manchester.

wuh. here we go. esok boxing day!!

holiday's spirit's everywhere!!

and aww look... i got patrick on my window sill.



hell yeahh, i am ghetto fabulous!!

i got to sayyy..

heroes's okay but the post-episode comic strips are tight bebeh! everything's making sense now.

like how eden got persuasive, and the extra bodies in the deserts.

fishing kul.





p/s : ingatkan collin pharrell. or david galagher. rupanya santiago cabrera. wuh. kehenseman. high not high.

im onto heroes now.

and i've been following the 4400 for 3 full seasons now, and still liking it. so i guess it kinda blows, because heroes is somewhat something similar.

but, hey, at least heroes has this pretty good leads lined up, so thats prolly why its a hit on american tv.

and because heroes is comic-based, i kinda thought its a combination of sin city and the 4400.





ugh sure whatevvvss. luck is, its sci-fi, its in my radius zone and im all wrapped up.

mindblowingly breathtaking

i know i've done this.

but i got so caught up in the moment and i just....

ughh.. i just have to shoooottttttt this.

forget about the previous shiteous quality snap and say helloooo to





well, it blew me away. at least.

angin maut sangat la!!!

tak bergerak basikal!!

kencang betul aku kena kayuh!

kalau hari-hari macam ni, besar kayu balak la kaki aku.













haihhh penaat..

ugghh its been 3 weeks now and i cant go to sleep without some tossin and turnin going on for about at least an hour.

ive thought of some alternatives but..

drinking warm milk it will just make my stomach go krukk krukk churn.
do 200 situps but i don want to go to sleep like a sweat machine
eat. like, a lot. big no no. its god damn winter!

so i am left with :

(a) knocking myself out with some drugs. like sleeping pills or couple of panadols. it'll be addictive but hey at least i can get some decent sleep.

or

(b) i stay self-righteous and keep tossin and turnin for hours. and get up all cranky because i know i didnt sleep well with all the weird dreams i get every night. if it isnt a dream, then its a constant waking up like, almost every 2 hours. and its even crappier because when i finally thought actually got a decent sleep, i ended up overslept and wasted half the day. perfect beginning!



and since all these are making me depressed, yea, i'll go with something stronger, like Trazodone.

ugh not being able to sleep sucks.


---------------------

of all the dreams i had, this one that stood out.

it was yellowish, like it was late evening or something. standard theme for most of my dreams so it wasnt anything special. so i was at some friend's, and the house was hella familiar. almost too familiar, like ive known the entire space all my life but i just cant place it.

surrounding me were all familiar faces, but now i cant remember any. i took up a cup of tea and saw - a cub. a tiger cub in a baby's crib right in front of me. and 2 seconds after i laid my eyes on him, he crashed the crib's bar and jumped out on me.

it was bewildering but somehow.. pleasant. i dont know what happened, and everything was rather vague but i guess after some time there was this boy, aged 7-8 years old, sitting beside me. i was being me, eating away like there will never be tomorrow, and this boy... tilted his head and rested it on my right shoulder.

and this feeling hit me again. like the feeling when the tiger cub jumped out on me. i guess they were the same person/thing. i dont know. at that point i just trusted what i felt. and we bonded. he was so damn fine. all polite to my friends. siap salam cium tangan. and he clinged to me like he had no other person to go to.

me : who took care of you?
cub boy : mama.
me : and where is mama now?
cub boy : i dont know.

well i wasnt sure which mama. was it my mama, his, i dont know. all i know, he's my responsibility. like a big sister. but obviously we were not related genetically. because he's somewhat caucasian, and i'm.. well ya know what i'm like. heh.

but the hair, the eyes. i swear i can still remember them. it was sooo profound, what i felt.

and then i lost him. i heard somebody was taking him away to.. um somewhere foreign. i cant remember. so while i was out, looking for him, i ended up being in this very extremely big building, and attending somewhat of an interview. people were throwing silk blouses and scarfs at me, asking me to style this very extremely stunning tall blonde lady, who in 5 secs will be on the runway.

huh???!!! aku stylist??!!!

and thats it. i woke up because somebody rang the bell.







hahahaHAHAHAHAHAH. mesti sakit hati baca mimpi aku yang tak ada conclusion.

but what i felt was real. still does.

i know a witch. a very wicked one.

but when you see her, you cant see the true her. she has an invisible cloak that puts you under a spell. the demonic side of her is mysteriously concealed. everything she says will seem nice, and sweet, and sugar-coated.

but i cant be fooled.

i cant run either. and hide.

and in my sleep, she does things. very evil things.

her devilry is more than ursula's, cruella deville's, darla's, drussilla's, the dark witch's or even paris hilton's combined altogether.






she. is. the. ultimate. femme. fatale.

i am just wondering. and i cant get this this off my case.

-if the soul society is suppose to be the higher place where people go after they die, then why is there poverty? and ranks? and where do shinigamis go after they die in a fight?


-if everything in soul society is made of spirit particles, then how come captain sajin komamura boleh pakai sikat anjing dari bumi yang dibeli oleh 69-on-face hisagi? and how come renji abarai bulih bermakan-makan in the real world without having to have gigai? so spirit particles can work with matter?

aaahh. macam ni la aku kalau nak start buat homework. distraction distraction!!

so anybody who can come up with at least an answer, please.

i wish..

i wish all of the trash in this house get soo emo that they'd stomp out from this house and get themselves trashed into the big bin outside!

-----------------------

i have finally come to my senses and realized.. that im scary. dan aku takut dengan taste aku.

the first time i thought i was scary was, oh wait. no. i thought i looked scary was when i browsed through my pictures right after i got back from paris. hell i was wearing all black. not that i didnt know what i was wearing. but it kinda took me for surprise. because i was wearing EVERYTHING like from head to toe black. takutnya. baru sedar macam mana orang pandang aku sebelum ni. no wonder people were making so much fuss about me wearing black all the time. and so since then i added up a little bit of colors in my wardrobe. sikit je ponn but i'll make sure to mix and match. not that the matching part is so hard to deal with.

but now, i really think im freaky. i just went online to see some contemporary artpieces and i realized that i pretty much like the same stuff. if its not in black white red, then some phychotic pieces. like these stuff ;



okay. sudah sudahlah tu. see my point? this isnt intentional and i was looking at some really really random collection. and ended up liking the same stuff. im not feeling low. not really, at least. so why all the psychotic images? beats me.

twisted. but bloody wicked.

whoa. my head is all over the place except studying.


1)procrastination
2)waste half a day just for sleeping, and the other half.. umm stuff. random.
3)this room is just....aah. how do i say this subtly.. making me feel complacent?
4)aku adalah pemalas semalas-malasnya. MahaMcMalas!

---------------------

exactly one year ago i left malaysia and my anime-fanaticism to live my german dream. heh little did i know, i actually completed the circle and came back to pick things up where i left them. back to bleach. just say i took a rain check. for a year.

---------------------

so based on my observations upon animes, these japanese people kan, suka buat characters based on germans. macam fullmetal alchemist and bleach. not only names and backgrounds, they even made up scripts in german. which i think, hey not bad. pronunciation pon boleh tahan.

but what i dont get is, why the full coverage? especially when it comes to alchemy. and powerful people. is it because germans are naturally big, and the language is considered one of the oldest language in the world and germans are intellectuals? at least back then la kan. sekarang pon. tapi japanese and germans are totally non-related. not geographically. not languagewise. well, except the word 'ach so' la kot.

okay so maybe they wanted to vary stories. ya know, since people dont really know about germans. sebab french, italian, english and americans kan lebih popular.

atauuuuuu.. sebab hitler once uplifted the japanese to be honorary aryan??? and thus - the feeling of great bondage between those two titans could never be forgotten and the resposibility to spread and spread the word through any means of medium!!!!!

jap palotak tak betul jap.

--------------------

aww i just found out that jonathan brandis is dead. rip.

all these years. we went through a lot together.

the never ending story II. it the clown. sidekicks. aladdin. and oh how could i ever forget seaquest. these were major influences during my childhood.

and he hanged himself?? with a nylon rope. that is sad. year 2003. lambat betul aku tahu.

--------------------

so currently apart from going to school, im staying in my room. 24/7. except of course pegi dapur makan, pegi toilet dan sebagainya.

but thats all to it. i dont socialize. i do nothing. i am not even speaking to my housemate. tambah-tambah lagi kalau ada guest staying over. not that im hostile or anything but the bf came visiting my housie, aku malas la nak potong steam orang. anyways, malas betul aku nak tuka shorts to sweatpants, pakai serkup lagi tudung lagi. serabut betul. so we just ym each other if anything. though we're just one three-steps door away.

plus, the crrrruel wind i mentioned, well stays true. nak kayuh basikal sejuk-sejuk, kang kelua lagi hingus. dah la hidung cramp.

well, even if its sunny outside, i stay in. because if i go window shopping... emm there would never be window shopping. because ill buy something. and that will simply defeat the whole going-to-manchester-for-boxing-sale thing.

and now, it depresses me even more because i cant listen to music. of course i can but listening to music in low amplitude - baik tak payah. so okay.. aku bersalah because i let my speakers and subwoofer blasting away. and the neighbors complained. so now whenever i'm watching something, i kept it as low as my threshold of hearing because i dont know how loud my speakers should go. im not even sure if i play my guitars or keyboard that that would actually disrupt the 'harmony and tranquility' of the neighborhood, so i ended up humming rather than singing. tidak mendapat kepuassaaann!

aduii.. itulah kalau dah telinga pekak nak buat macam mana??

-------------------

buku-buku dalam bilik ni menjadi hiasan semata-mata. untuk melengkapkan personaliti aku sebagai seorang pelajar.

sunshine.. on my window.. makes me happy.. like i should be..

piah this is for you. walopon kemere phone, tetap ku amek di kala senja, karena hang demam.

i dont know maann. my mind is somewhat currently twisted caught in between ignorance and umm .. the philosophy of life.




sheesh. thats deep.

apsal bila aku tengok eklan tv malaysia semua orang dah ada slang mengada dalam speech? menyampah betul.

its seriously depressing to wake up every single day looking at dead trees being blown away by crrrruel wind. everything is greenish brown now. even the apple tree outside my window is stark naked. belukar aka secret garden aku pon dah togel. where is snow anyways?? at least snow isnt so much as depressing as this.

blehh. komplen je aku ni. depressing konon. padahal tengah menelan choc kek.

atreyuuuuuuu dan bastiannnnnn

wuuuuuu!!

guess what??








i knowwwwww, its kinda obvious, kan?

aku buhsan tengah melepet dekat meja macam koala nak pengsan bertulis tulis crap.

with 3 entries within less than half an hour.

walaupon angin sejuk muka minyak thus sending me to instant billionairdome.

emm ya know.

minyak = kaya-raya ??

okay next winter aku nak berpanas-panas so jummmmm kita bersurfing-surfing!!!!!

sonik, ena, yati, niki emmmmm dll!! pack beg yall.

pakai bikini woii. tambah tudung. kahkah.

extremely misty today
bloody scary
had to go through the dead jungle all misty
couldnt feel my nose
eyes went teary
the moment i parked my bike
felt something fluidish running above my upper lips
ew. ew ew.
mucus
had a wave of panic right away
after entering the lecture hall
everyones holding a pruefungsrelevant handout
urgh
screw technische kommunikation
i see me still attending TK classes next sem
apparently blau machen has its price







now its code orange going code red
still hasnt change to studymode
mcdead.

seriously. i know this is lame-o but seriously. mcslutty the vampire slayer is getting soo intense right now i kinda think its good. its crackin me up, and it was kinda emotional. and the plot, the script i swear its waaay much better than prison break.






but then again, i am a sci-fi hardcore.

too bad i'm years behind.

-crap. cant a person get a decent sleep?? apart from me not eating now i have to go around like a freaking mczombie with some red blotch in my eyes. urgh.

-apsal cerita aku folo semua kena cut off?? macam freakylinks, jake 2.0, angel (ok this one stayed long, tapi ending macam sial jugak). yish im such a sucker to sci-fi.

-code yellow. need to get into studymode. asap.

-im having an anti-Narcissus time.

-i wanna play that thing you do. as a band.

-despite of my non-existent high metabolism rate, im currently not eating. weird.

-i googled ethan embry/randall and found that his official website was never active. its seriously sad.

-what the hell happened to the wonders? i cant find any of their wallpapers. they should be big okayy. isnt anyone as obsessed as i am??

teheheeee. one of my long lasting obsession. tom hanks did one hell of a good job.

today. some randomness.

everytime i hear ocean ridge, everything came back vividly to me. like i remembered the smell of the shower foam i used in perak, how the walls looked like, how all the winds polished their instruments the night before the competition, how bored we were doing sectional practice the whole day not knowing what else to do in those empty hot classes. weird. those are the things you just dont purposely stick to your mind. but i guess it kinda stuck. this is the kinda thing music does to me. and smell too.

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i have the utmost respect for people who are really really really good at writing. they have this.. um.. i guess essence of them. you dont have to really pay attention to what they really are saying, you are just being led. by the words, the phrases, the whole expression and straight away get the whole picture. the best part is - you feel like you know them but not in the superficial kinda way. in fact, you dont know anything about them, because youve never actually meet the eye. its just.. exhilarating.

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i dont get whats the hype over muslims not eating pork. got this friend, always makes jokes around muslims friends who are just about to eat something. and he would go like, 'eh ada babi.' ya know, the past two years, i just let these kinda people get away with a laugh. nothing more and nothing less. but guess what? its getting old, okay?? its not funny anymore. and i threw that to his face.

it didnt stop there. they would just love to rub it into our face. like questioning us, 'why are you guys discriminating against babi anyways?' , 'what if youre not a muslim, you mustve eaten pork already by now. its like, your religion is controlling you.' and the part that pissed me off the most - 'muslims terrorists laa.'

omg. omfg. i know this is gonna sound like a friggin cliche, but seriously, go and educate yourself. we dont eat bacon because there are tapeworms - unkillable. they breed leaving their extremely small mobile larvae going through your blood veins up to your brain. after theyre dead up in your brain and your immune system starts to attack them haa baru kau rasa sawan babi padan muka. plus pigs' flesh absorbs toxin like sponge and therefore even nastier than our own piss. the fact that pigs dont exercise, dont sweat - thus limited output of toxin - eww. seriesly. you guys devour THAT?? i mean, after all that education, trust me you dont want to go ignorant.

its like questioning a vegie why does he go against meat. insulting a hindu not eating beef. a quarter of world population is muslim. why just muslim? jews dont eat pork. i didnt hear you making noise about them. oh i know - it has never occur to you that almost half of the world population doesnt eat pork, because YOU are very shallow. piece of advice, dude, open your eyes, then only open your big mouth.

oh and the terrorism. seriously. you lived all your life in malaysia - in a majority muslim society. come on, have i ever left a bomb in your mother's backyard because youre not a muslim? please. you let CNN feed your mind??

and the thing that got me laughing. he said melayu are racists. if he would go to the states, he'll have whatever rights he should as a human being, unlike malaysian govt. oh please - id love to see you go to the states and live your american dream. but trust me - people will still discriminate you, because youre a freaking asian. the only place you will feel at home is when you go back to your china town. or singapore.

i live with the fact that im muslim. and i know people will never stop passing judgments or even discriminate. with me wearing hijabs and stuff. anywhere i go, whatever i do, people will still judge you for being who you are. deal with the fact. like me. at least i know where i stand.

okay. im not racist. and im not trying to be defensive. but whos pushing the buttons??

apsal cruel to be kind tak keluar-keluar ni???

gila. bicho so. bicho.

connection macam gila. filelodge dah lama bengong. esnips x bulih tempek.

yish. kenapa? why? warum? pourqoui? pourque? doshite? buei? bueiiii???

bicho so. bicho. aish cinca!

"community blogger dilanda season of loneliness" - piyazery. <-- have to agree with that.

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i like ocean ridge. brings back those memories. walaupon saxophone tak contribute sangat pon dalam lagu ni.

but i guess its really weird. i kinda gave my all to produce good sound, ya know contributing to the whole song thing - emm masa sekola dolu. but the truth is, i dont think im the kind of person who would give EVERYTHING for something. macam hangat-hangat tahi ayam la. atau jack of all trades master of none. nak try semua tapi tanak masterkan diri lepas try.

what im trying to say is, how come i can do only one good thing in my life? come to think of what i have achieved along these past years, macam tak ada apa-apa. not that im saying im not grateful of where the flow has got me to, but seriously all these while it has all been about luck. my dumb luck.

i mean, yea i can play music, but its not like i can play a lot of impressive pieces. emm make it any. i can write but its not like things i wrote are all Pulitzer material. i used to know how to debate, but i cant really put it into a daily basis conversation. at least not anymore - because i dont talk about politics, environment, moral degradation shits anymore. i can skate, i can swim, i can do sports. tapi semua tahap cukup makan ja. studies? wahahahahahahahahaa. dont even start. thats THE thing that i know im not good at. at least aku tahu ukur baju di badan sendiri.


but the thing is, i still look forward because i know theres sooooo much more to life. i want to go scuba dive, and skydive, and surf, and bungee jump, and take a latin dance class (im dead serious about this), and.. um.. and jumpa wentworth miller, and convert dia masuk islam setelah dia dibesarkan dengan agama yahudi, and kahwin, and even though perez claims that hes a closeted gay - and i dont believe him, although all of his info seemed accurate, but i could still go and save a lot of money because baez says i could buy his gene from the gene bank - that is IF he puts it there - and then produce anak-anak biracial yang sangat teramat paling cun sekali. there. see? i have a lot of things in life to look forward to. and if my parents disapprove me from being with him, then i guess akan berlakulah telenovela cinta terhalang keshet kedondong bersama lelaki separuh germannya.

okay. hentikan drama ini.

and travel all over the world. and go into photography. and take a vocal class. and kick boxing class. and go to every worth broadway. and go skiing on a VERY EXTREMELY snowy and steep mountain. and .. um .. wow. macam-macam. SEMUA!!!!

this is what i call jack-of-all-trades-but-master-of-none syndrome.

its MY long-lasting pathology. it has been there all my life, and it wont budge. never.

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orang cakap aku ni ada potential jadi saiko.

sebab aku cakap aku suka kalau aku ada external physical pain.

macam luka. lepas tu aku buleh main-main dengan luka. tehehehehehee.

bes la, gila. should try it sometimes.

--------------------

johnny depp is a very interesting human being.

i wish to meet somebody like that at least once in my whole life time.

me so fakken pissed so sooo fakken pissed like fuckety fuckety fuck like soooooo verdammt fucking fakken pissed yissssshhhhhhhh fak it!


demn straight i am.

i was away on weekends. come to think of it, i was almost always away on weekends.

aaaanyways, matlamat nummer drei macam delay sebab aku makan macam tong. see, doesnt take me that long to eliminate the warmth of the chicken poo. (emm direct translation - menghapuskan kehangatan tahi ayam).

temptations yo. mee rebus, nasi beriyani, rojak buah, kek pisang, agar-agar laici. (5 round kot) yissshhhh! aku makan sampai perut nak meletop.

tapi tak pa. wiken ni kita bulih main futsal. yeay!

i woke up EXTREMELY early this morning. because - finally - aku bersemangat waja nak pergi kelas. plus the futon makes me sweat in my sleep. i know, big EW. no idea why. i turn off the heater, opened the window and its below 16 degrees for goodness's sake! why the hell am i sweating? that stupid futon lah, thats why! thus leading me to daily nose bleeding in the morns. no exceptions - this morning as well. lepas tu sebab aku makan macam tong on the wikens - sakit perut jugak. i dont know why i have major headache - tapi kenapa semua nak datang pagi ni??? aku BERSEMANGAT WAJA!! nak pergi kelas!!! when does that ever happened? never! this is a once in a lifetime thing okay.

and when i was making my way to the shower - tibak bunyi bell - carpet sampai. yish. buang masa aku la. betul betul buang masa aku. mana ada masa nak mandi? thus, no mandi no going out la. then i decided - im not going to class today.

there goes matlamat nummer eins.






hahahHAHAHAH.

YE AKU SEBENARNYA PEMALAS. ALASAN JE LEBIH!

aku sudah ada cita-cita.

selain ingin menjadi graduated engineer di germany

aku juga ingin menjadi seorang ahli muzik

serta seorang yang sihat walafiat.



untuk mencapai matlamat pertama,
aku harus bertungkus lumus bergelumang dengan bahasa german.
bukan itu sahaja malah bertungkus lumus pada malam sebelum exam.

untuk mencapai matlamat kedua,
aku harus bekerja keras meluangkan masa dengan anak-anakku.
termasuk keyboard yang baru sahaja sampai dimuka pintuku pagi tadi.
walaupun matlamat ini agak lambat pada pendapatku untuk dicapai
kerana tiada tenaga pengajar mahupon asas yang kuat, aku akan coba.

untuk mencapai matlamat ketiga,
aku haruslah konstan membuat strecthing aka yoga
serta situp 100x setiap hari
serta push up (rancangan ini didelay kerana aku ingin menghilangkan dahulu muscle-bertukar-lemakflabby di lengan)
thus sekarang low carb program <------ hahahHAHAHAHhahahaha my ass!
serta bermain sukan
tapi agak susah ingin melaksanakan sukan kerana ketidakcukupan korum jantina perempuan
mungkin rancangan futsal akan dilaksanakan selepas exam nanti







kesimpulan
matlamat-matlamat yang tertera diatas tidak dapat diinsuranskan kerana berdasarkan sejarah penulis, beliau merupakan seorang yang hangat-hangat tahi ayam.

heheh sebab semua orang bizi tak menulis aku pon buat-buat bizi mogok takmo tulis.

anyways prison break season 1 sangat predictable. maybe because possibilities are just too limited. season 2 getting warmer. the whole big idea was good though. walaupon script sangat lah biasa. apa apa la. wentworths worth it.

apsal - aku nak questionkan jugak - apsal kalau orang tu mata cantik dia mesti ada either german jew atau italian hereditary?

macam wentworth miller ( i bet sebenanya mueller but being americanized), or jake gyllenhaal, or adam brody, or beckam or orlando bloom. emm sapa lagi a lelaki hensem yahudi? oh yea seth green and micheal rosenbaum (<-- typical german name). ok then italian, macam leonardo dicaprio, david boreanaz and ellen pompeo and even alicia keys.

my point is, dolu kenapa aku selalu rasa yang americans ni macam cantik sikit daripada english? ini adalah kerana americans ramai yang dah campur darah. sebenarnya yang selalu claim mereka ni thoroughbread pon tak thoroughbread. apa apa la.

aku sebenarnya nak declare bahawasanya aku jatuh cinta dengan wentworth semenjak aku melabuhkan pandangan aku ke dalam matanya dalam buffy vampire slayer. walaupon masa itu dia hanyalah seekor raksasa ikan. namun matanya sangat cantik. dan aku suka pada fakta di mana dia berdarah campuran yang terlalu banyak - african-american, jamaican, german, red indian, dutch, french, russian, syrian and lebanese. hes from all over the world. kalau campur sikit dengan darah aku, ya know to complete the asian part - melayu, hidustan siket - mesti anak-anak cun gila.




kahkahKAHKAHkahkahKAHKAHKAH



aku mahu dia.

3 babies and a sanctuary

prison break is too slow for my likings. at least the first three eps. this is the 99237618165389975th time i paused.

too much variables, too little action. but because everyfreakingbody makes a big fuss about it, im just gonna watch. perhaps its too soon to pass a judgment.

tapi siap la kalo buhsan nak mati gila babi macam a walk to remember. as far as i remembered semua orang cakap cerita tu bes, but i didnt make it to the end. buhsan gila. typical korean film pon lagi bagus. apa yang sweetnya? tengok lembu terbalik lagi ada adrenalin rush.

oh yea, oc season 4 sucks. because it always has been about coop, atwood, cohen and summer. now coops gone. and did they changed music director? cause the shows suckier with them music.

ok now im mcmcd.

because of greys.

because meredith called sheperd mcdreamy.

and christina called mark mcsteamy.

and george said, 'mcdreamy was doing mcnasty with mchottie. demn mcbastard!'

and izzy said, 'mcdreamy's sister is mcbitch.'

ishhh and now tengok!!!! im watching mcslutty the vampire slayer thinking mcboreanaz is soooo mcsensual and mcsteamy and mcdreamy and mchottie alltogether!!

the syllable mc just seems to be mcsticky and cant get mcfreaking off.



padahal esok aku ada praktikum werkstoff. mcmati!





APAAAA LAAAAA!!

this has been haunting me for a couple of days.

so last weekends i went up to wolfsburg and on the way back down to bocholt we gotta stop at duisburg to change trains. so the thing was, i was extremely starving and bought me some dunkins. while i was devouring those lush double chocs then came this guy, in the waiting pit, looking rather urgent saying something to two makciks in front of us. it was kinda weird cause these makciks didnt seem to respond at all even though this guy was doing all his body language to get through. and i thought, oh ok, i guess this guy must've said something thats not worth to be heard.

then, he turned to us. and said something about him going back home to munchengladbach and the rest i couldnt catch up cause he spoke really fast. like, really fast. but he did mention some numbers so i guess hes asking for money. no wonder those makciks didnt respond. it took me a moment to even give an expression. was looking at elly. mintak-mintak dia back up sebab sumpah aku blank. elly pegi telan donut, and then shook her head. and he left. speedily. so i thought, hey, he didnt look like a pauper to me. so what did he want? i asked elly, she said he's asking for money. yea, so i heard right. i asked, how much? she said she heard 1.99 euro. i swear i heard 19, thats why i went blank. cause dude, i cant help you that much. i dont travel with cash. but 1.99?? come on.. sian dia. 3 minutes after he left baru kami rasa kesian. but it did take me a moment to actually get a grip of what he was saying. so dont blame me. blame my brain for the slow digest.

nak beli tiket tak cukup lagi 2 euro. alaaahh mesti dia kelam kabut sebab takut terlepas train. dah la hari ahad.. train sikit. then kena cari lagi 2 euro, nak beli tiket lagi, lari lari bawak beg lagi, pegi landasan lagi. can imagine me being in his shoes. mesti sedih gila tak ada sapa nak tolong. dalam hati dia, 'demn foreigners, aku mintak 2 euro pon kedekut. siap kalo aku pegi negara dunia ketiga kau, aku tanak bagi sedekah dah.'

haihh, then we walked out from the waiting pit, i was kinda hoping id stumble into him. to redeem my guilt. to give him that 2 euro that meant the world to him. i didnt. it kinda bummed me out. it still does. man, i wish i offered him at least the donuts.

ya know, carbs + sugar = endorphin??

at least.

i'm back, bitches.

i am just curious as hell, why should there be a person around you who will just rub things in your face just to get on your nerves and you are just stuck with this person for the rest of your life? well, yea ok. not the rest of your life, but it felt like it.

ish i'm in refusal of talking. because everytime i opened my mouth, there's always a reply - though unwanted - that felt like a snap. ooooh snappy snappy i cant take. cause i'll sure as hell turn one as well. but hey, in the name of kesabaran, and air muka, i bear. omg, how i stopped myself from snapping back. i am this close (setengah cm) from saying 'you bitch'. that means, i really cant take the rubbing. i loved it, though, cause im kinda sensing that the sarcasm is making a return.

what is it with people who cant take the opinions of others? what the hell is wrong anyways even if statements made by others arent that much of realistic? skeptical i can take, but being a bitch and all high, i feel like puking all over. what makes you think youre the only one with the best opinion? doesnt mean people shut up because they dont have better ideas. perhaps people just are too tired of listening to you and your croaking voice and your endless so-called the-most-rational-thinkings and looking at your irritating expressions with your raised eyebrows every time you think you've said something smart. hasnt it ever occur to you that people arent stupid and low and lack that much of judgment? plus, does it actually hurt to be nice? people ask for help, if you wanna decline, decline with decency. not with attitude.

initially, i really thought its just me. ok so maybe i am annoying, you know. perhaps, i am that low. and lack that much of judgment. but when almost every one is being condemned, then im like, 'whoa, what a stuck up hick'. and why o why do i even let it get me, let it go under my skin? yea, im prone to accidents, but that doesnt mean im a moron. and i dont really think i lack THAT much of judgment. and most of all, im not that low. unlike this cow.

i believe in karma, you know. yea, well, not exactly karma, i still have islamic values, but the whole 'what goes around comes around' concept. yea, well today you are up there, and someday you are going down!! and i really hope you'll feel if not as miserable as me, even worse! muahuahua.

there you go. cow.

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p/s : cekout ditty bops down there.