crap.

i am fakken embarrassed to go to class. thus the anti-socialness.

papers dont seemed to be tough but somehow i managed not to answer them. prolly because of the last minute cramming. and panic attack. and break down. blergh. wtf. i'll repeat with open heart.

and ugh. monday i'll be working. malasnya aku mahu berschweißen..

----------

i dig heavy films. or at least the non-conclusive.

which got me the thinking, aku ni sadist ke?? mungkin. atau aku ni dramatic. sebab aku suka ending orang mati. sebab itu baru namanya ending. dan aku suka buat kesimpulan muahahah.

----------

apart from johnny depp, now i think edward norton is one hella talented individual.

thats it. i cant do tae-bo no more.

backpain issues!!

i'll stick to pilates.

aku sedih gila.

1) ermm The News. pecah hati, okay?

2) semenjak dua tiga tahun ni, aku tak boleh tido kalau esok aku ada paper exam. macam-macam. contohnya, aku bergolek-golek selama 1-2 jam sebelum lelap mata. atau aku akan bangun hampir setiap jam. ataupun yang paling seksa - mimpi ngeri.

3) semalam aku mimpi ngeri sekali lagi.

mimpi bermula dengan seronok sekali. aku dan beberapa rakan (x hingat muka tapi berkemungkinan tinggi glace kerana aku rasa aku ingat muka amyan kahkah) pergi bercuti ke suatu tempat yang rupanya seakan-akan sepanyol/greek - kerana manusia bulih melepak di atas bukit sambil melihat laut. ah susah benar nak memperumpamakan pemandangan tersebut. apa yang aku ingat, selepas itu aku dah bersiap sedia hendak terjun masuk kolam renang, tapi 3 saat sebelum aku mengangkat kakiku untuk menjunam, tiba-tiba ada makhluk menyuakan satu kertas soalan. aku harus mengira bagaimana untuk melakukan penjunaman yang paling berkesan. dan terdapat coretan seperti cos ß sin ß entah hapa momentum pusingan dan lain-lain. benci betul. hati pedih. dan aku tidak bulih berenang kerana aku tidak tahu menjawab soalan tersebut malahan itulah pertama kali aku melihat soalan begitu ropa. jahaaaaat jahaaaat!! dan mimpi ku diakhiri dengan menyaksikan beberapa mat salleh sedang 'snorting some coke'. (tak tau dalam bm apa)

4) need i say more?? paper mechanik hari ni. tak boley jawab..

this is it.

after years of waiting. after pushes of attempts.

its official. i am jack's broken heart.

that's it.

this is the end.

i have got to say this.

i had enough looking at poseurss. emm malaysian poseurss. i mean, come on. you dont have to display you holding dark-glassed bottles in a middle of a rave just to show the whole word you can party like hard-cores. and snap with some drunk caucasian just to tell people you're somewhat outgoing. kissing the opposite sex to advertise that you're umm.. promiscuous? wearing skanky outfits holding a little olive in you salt-rimmed martini just to shout out you belong to somewhat THE upper class of the society. and prolly the children of important people in malaysia. and worse of all, you claim yourself to be a muslim. please. (me- rollin eyes)

shessh. okay. apa masalah aku? hahah i just have so much hate that i want to vent it out here. thank you very much. im just stating that i detest all the grandstand plays. comprendez??

because im worried. malaysia is very unstable right now. with politics. and weather. banjir belum settle, elnino is coming. and will prolly stay for a while. what will most of the "prominent" people do? bawak isteri, anak-anak dan saudara mara lari ke luar negara. while these people busy sipping their chardonnays, and their children busy climbing up the social ladder, the "common people" in malaysia are the one whos going through the agony of the instability that the "upper class" triggered.

stating my piece of mind. peace out, y'all.

When i said i love watching House MD, everybody went like, 'God, can you be lamer??'

Apperently, its now the biggest hit on television. Beating Greys Anatomy and Prison Break.

TAKE THAT, YOU LAME-Ossss!!!






p/s : and its educational too.

-oh blogger dah upgrade. bagus.

-buat tae bo 30 mins rasa nak pengsan. gila sakit.

-i dont get it. seriesli. people always come up to me and assumed that im actually athletic. since i was younger, people tend to think i can do sports. merepek!!! gimme any kind of balls, i cant score. o wait. wait wait. scratch that. hahahhahahahaha not all balls. i think. yish.

anyhoo, what im trying to say is, there has got to be a reason behind that aitt? nak kata aku ada broad shoulder, tak jugak. nak kata aku berotot ketul-ketul, people cant tell, can they? with my black clothes and all. oh mungkin they think all the flabbiness are muscles? ermm maybe not. nak kata aku kurus - hahaha. yea, sure. harsh features, maybe? and the way i present myself? and the way i talk? aww come on, i thought jocks are jerks? im a jerk? whattt?? no wayyyy. cewah tanak ngaku.

but seriously. last month i went to a job interview and my boss (future anyways) said im athletic. and all three of us (elly and minim) broke a big laugh. lized?? sports?? kohkoh. im flattered by the way. and he offered to stay longer at the mall - so that i can 'nette männer schauen' (mengusha lelaki hensem). hahahahahahah. cool la boss aku. macam paham-paham. the thing i dont understand is - why among three he offered me? aku pakai tudung dan hitam whereas one didnt wear any and the other was wearing a flourescent yellow hijab. ermm shoudnt i be the one who fits the 'self-blaster' criteria?? among three i dont think i look like the flamboyant one.

so it got me the thinking, should i be flattered or feel insulted? because i pushed away all the stereotypes about muslims being reserved - and we can be cool too. but at the same time i dont potray and present as a good muslim. i honestly dont know.

but i guess its just me. all me.

kepingin mahu nasi goreng usa....

hari pertama peperiksaan : technical drawing

perasaan sebelum : apa aku nak jawab ni??

perasaan semasa : haha kelaka pulak.
exam open book - buku tak membantu.
orang depan meniru - tak membantu juga.
elly disebelah - tak membantu juga (wavelength otak sama dgn aku).
pensel, pembaris, pemadam acapkali berjatuh-jatuhan memecahkan hening atmosfera peperiksaan- tak membantu juga.
orang ketawa bila barang aku semua jatuh - tidak membantu sama sekali.

perasaan selepas : hahahahahahahHAHAHAHAHAHhahahahahahHAHAHAHAHAH

aku high sial. konfem repeat. kecuali kalau miracle berlaku.

penyelesaian : duit jpa dah masuk. retail theraphy!! tadi masuk innenstadt, esok aku nak pegi jalan ikea.

tralala~

ever had one of those uncomfyness at least once a month, like having back pain and stomach pain, in the middle of the cold, especially during menstruation?? aka periodpain?? and you just HATE it?? and you can't take one of the menstrual panadol crap anymore??

well well lucky you. cause you got me to figure things out for you!

muahah. hah. hah.

just take a verrrry long hot shower. not warm but hot. preferably accompanied by songs like 'kissing a fool' or 'moondance'.

guarantied. very soothing.

has anybody ever questioned her/himself, why the hell am i doing this?? why did i chose this??

i do.

this is hard. no one has ever told me that this is gonna be hard. i mean, i confess, i did take things for granted, thinking things will be served on a silver platter. but that doesnt mean i have never anticipated that its gonna be hard as well.

its just... this is just harder than i thought it would be.

and then, there comes the 'what if' game. what if -? what if -? what if -? but then there will be to much questions with no answers. so why bother asking in the first place?

because i am such an avoider. if i have one wish i would want to be in the state of cryptobiosis. be still. but that doesnt stop time from running. doesnt change anything. at all. so why bother making a wish in the first place?

because i'm the kind of person who would always take the easiest way out. now there is no option left. no turning back. no nothing. just one road in front of me. and i need to do this. but i'm almost worn. no. i take it back. i'm not worn. i just barely started.

i'm just.. this close (setengah cm) to bailing out. i hope i dont break down and leave things as it is. its just so very the chicken of me to do so.

so whats the verdict, huh??





doubtful. very doubtful.




p/s : this is a freaking out session.

semalam aku mimpi...

doremon buat showcase kat pekan bocholt.
macam tak percaya pulak orang german layan katun jepung.
aku pon terhegeh hegeh kayuh basikal pergi pekan nak tengok doremon.
lepas masuk tempat showcase doremon dah tak beraksi.
tapi makanan free dijamu kepada orang ramai.
aku pon apa lagi, nak serbu lah.
cuba teka makanan apa yang di jamu???


hah?? dorayaki??




SALAH!!

jawapanya....




CEKODOK!!!!!

lagi aku tak percaya orang jepung layan makanan melayu.
tibak aku bangun.
terus pergi dapur.
tak gosok gigi, tak basuh muka.
terus lenyek pisang, nak buat cekodok.
terus goreng.
lepas mandi try la telan cekodok.
masin???
laaaaaa..
lupa nak tuka minyak rupanya.
habis kunyit garam goreng ayam semalam melekat kat cekodok.


cisss. doremon punya pasal.

omg omg omg omg omfg!!!

hahah guys look what i found. this came to me while i was doing the dishes. biasalah aku kan buat kerja tak lemah gemalai so while rearranging the pots and pans, keluarlah bunyi bunyian. dengan tiba-tiba - mulut aku menuturkan perkataan-perkataan ini satu persatu ;

she'd scour the pot and scrape the pan
and thooooooough her daddy would scream and shout!!

HAHAHA sapa ingat angkat tangan??!!!! (dengan semangat ahli kelas dua jaya mengangkat tangan) so i googled and found....

Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout
Would not take the garbage out!
She'd scour the pots and scrape the pans,
Candy the yams and spice the hams,
And though her daddy would scream and shout,
She simply would not take the garbage out.
And so it piled up to the ceilings:
Coffee grounds, potato peelings,
Brown bananas, rotten peas,
Chunks of sour cottage cheese.
It filled the can, it covered the floor,
It cracked the window and blocked the door
With bacon rinds and chicken bones,
Drippy ends of ice cream cones,
Prune pits, peach pits, orange peel,
Gloppy glumps of cold oatmeal,
Pizza crusts and withered greens,
Soggy beans and tangerines,
Crusts of black burned buttered toast,
Gristly bits of beefy roasts. . .
The garbage rolled on down the hall,
It raised the roof, it broke the wall. . .
Greasy napkins, cookie crumbs,
Globs of gooey bubble gum,
Cellophane from green baloney,
Rubbery blubbery macaroni,
Peanut butter, caked and dry,
Curdled milk and crusts of pie,
Moldy melons, dried-up mustard,
Eggshells mixed with lemon custard,
Cold french fried and rancid meat,
Yellow lumps of Cream of Wheat.
At last the garbage reached so high
That it finally touched the sky.
And all the neighbors moved away,
And none of her friends would come to play.
And finally Sarah Cynthia Stout said,
"OK, I'll take the garbage out!"
But then, of course, it was too late. . .
The garbage reached across the state,
From New York to the Golden Gate.
And there, in the garbage she did hate,
Poor Sarah met an awful fate,
That I cannot now relate
Because the hour is much too late.
But children, remember Sarah Stout
And always take the garbage out!

Shel Silverstein, 1974

WEEEE!


what a great day. the suns up, the winds blowing and all i need are sand, sea and surf to complete the day. heheh. no, seriously the most important thing that contributed to this bliss - the black out. had the most blackest black out last night. as in, black out otak. i couldnt get myself to sleep for a few days now, and last night, whoa. like, whoa. i woke up smiling, thats how great it was.




anyhoo im just wondering, how come i could be such a retard at times? happened to me couple of times;

i just sit, staring blankly at the wall, wondering what the hell i'm suppose to do next. i know i need to do something - pronto - but what?? should i text someone, should i pray, oh no scratch that, did that already. hmm should i go and eat? or.. ugh what??

oh yea. i know.

nak pergi berak jap.







supastik, kan??

memonteng kelas itu nikmat.

peperiksaan itu serabut.

mengayuh basikal itu kesakitan.

membeli barangan itu kebahagiaan.

bankrapsi itu sengsara.

lagha itu memusnahkan.

rabun (serta astig) itu tidak menyelesakan.

lagu lama (motown, rock n roll, 50s, 60s, 70s) itu menaikkan sheikh (hahah high??).

chia (andy chiavetta y'all) itu panas.

skimmboardin itu godaan.

dan cinta itu... pedih?

oh aku tidak tahu. rupanya Orkan Kyrill sedang meributi hampir seluruh Eropah.

aku sepatutnya ke kelas pagi tadi. malangnya ku terpassed out lalu terbangun lambat. bila ku buka mata, angin sepoi² sprache (bahasa) bertiup.

bila ku buka berita, ropanya Kyrill. tidaklah sesepoi yang kusangka.

tempatku. 1 Knot = 1.85 km/h

fuhh ini adalah kelajuan angin dalam masa 1 pm, pada masa yang sama aku patut berkayuhan pulang ke rumah.

alhamdulillah ku tertidur. kalau ku berkayuh ke kelas pagi tadi, basikalku mesti tidak bergerak. lembu hanya mampu memandang penuh simpati sahaja.

(dengan nada seriuus) 3 nyawa telah terkorban di Jerman akibat ribut ini.

uhh?

-bank negara's cheuque bounced?

-PKN kids being sent to johor to help the flood victims??

-there's GAN (Gerakan Anti-Najib) ??

-Anwars fighting Najib?

-Najib has something to do with the Mongolian model's murder??

-and he's trying to meet Mahathir, who's up in London, but refused to meet Najib?

-and uummmm.. Pak Lah went down and under to Australia to ummmm.. merasmikan restoran Nasi Kandar??

-all these while Johorians are struggling to keep their heads up above the water?? literally.







man.. politics back at home is sooo scandalous, i live for this shit. even if half of it are not true, they are still juicy rumors!!

i am currently listening to;
-Surfer Babe - McFly-

i am currently having a chain of thoughts regarding;

-surfing-

-jack johnson (and 'girl i wanna lay you down') -



and thus, making me think of;


and then, makes me feel almost impossible to;

-get those abs!!!-






damn the song surfer babe!

p/s : has anybody ever tried eating kitkat after brushing teeth? sedap gila tak tipu.

esok aku nak kayuh beskal pergi PLUS membeli ;





saja ja. walaupon aku dah byk lampu dalam bilik ni tapi aku sungguh tak tahan tengok lampu bermosaic itu. dan selama setahun disini aku bersejadahkan kain kecik oleh itu aku akan membeli rug cotton 10 euro. sekian.

while i was golek-goleking on the bed, there was this smell that hit my nostrils. a familiar smell. a smell of my childhood.

to be honest, i can't really remember my childhood in my nucleus family, apart from my mom rushing us to go to school every morning. when it comes to holidays, i just remembered spending them with my cousins, uncles and aunts.

and i don't know why, these images of me, my couz and my grandma, spending time in a big wooden bungalow (seemed big to me anyways, since i was smaller at that time) kept on haunting me this couple of days. and oh the smell. wonders smell can do.

i can't exactly remember at which beach we spent that holiday since every holiday we seemed to spend at beaches (thus kulit ku yang lebih hitam berbanding adik beradikku ini kehkeh). all i can remember is, the bungalow was just next to the beach but somehow we had to take a cable car to get there (berbukit yang maha tinggi agaknya). and every breakfast we sit together on the balcony overviewing the sea. i was so darn excited to get up every morning, and ate my breakfast as quickly as i could while watching jet skis.

and that was the time when i found out that i was a premature baby. tokyan (grandma) apparently was in the story-mory mode and after she finished her tale on how she spent her childhood, she told us about her experience as a grandma pulak. and then, about my birth. she said the doctor told my mum that she needs to do a cesarean operation, because my internal organs had developed within only 7 months. and since i could already digest, and bernyahtinja on my own, they need to get me out of there or i'll eat my own crap. yish. what a disturbing image.

well anyhooooo, i missed those days. days that i just could lay on the beach, letting the waves catch my body, hair and whatever else i had on. days that i could just hop on anybody's back to get a ride of jet ski. and eventually getting to drive it on my own. and then there's always banana boat. and lala kutiping. and then later eat it. sedap woooo rasa puas macam nelayan. kutip lala buat masak lemak cili api. haihhh... and then watch my skin gets dry - lack of sunlotion - lepas tu panggil kaki keringku kaki bersisik. and pretend i'm turning into a mermaid.

hahahHAHAHAH iye aku penuh imiginasi masa kecik-kecik dulu.

so come to think of it, its prolly why i don't really have my own space in the house. right after i went into the boarding school, my room was turned into the closet/bilik simpanan baju/ironing room. then currently, my dad turned the room as The Jamming Room. guitars, amplifiers blabla guitar maintenance.

so since tokyan passed away, i sometimes dominate her room. with a shower of my own. and telephone. the downside is - aircond rosak. and the fan twirls like shit. macam takada angin. so i resort to the living room occasionally. and i crash my sis's room. lama kelamaan aku tido aja dimana mataku nak tutup.

so now having my own room - and space - i loved it. still does. and i still will. everything in here is mine. and i have ultimate authority on every single item. where to put, which to throw, what color to decide (green semestinya). hahaha its MY perrogative!! (macam gila kuasa pulak). thus explains why i could be messy at times and a neat freak at times. because i need space on my own to implement my own system. and thats why i'm actually the biggest slob at home - even my dad can't tolerate it. heheheh actually coming from a man - it is embarassing. but then again, my dad is the ultimate perfectionist so... apa-apakan sajalaah abahhh!