i see butterflies with pistols

i never knew that language could be THIS hard. all my life i never really have to work hard for languages. let it be english nor bm. french is, of course, an acceptance. i dont have to work my ass off for something that i dont really need. but deutsch, huih, lemme tell you. it's painstakingly hard.

i mean, its not hard learningwise. anyone could just do it with eyes closed, but man, this is the real world. i go to class and its sooo darn sad because i dont understand 60% of whats being said. because i cant. i freaking cant. i mean, things that i have learned, yea, no biggie to comprehend but those newbies and those jokes.. seriously, its bad. it doesnt sound as bad, but just going through this, is bad enough. how come i never felt this these past few months, i dont know. prolly because i usually go one on one, like they know i wouldnt understand if they speak fast enough. but going to lectures, seriously. think its better for me to do home study. its not like it makes any difference if i dont go to class.

and when i need to speak with people, i have to give 120% concentration just to understand, well i dont know, 65% of what they are really saying. this is pathetic case. technik terms are soo hard to understand. cant we just use one language?? yish. and classes are soo interactive. i cant stand being the quiet one. its not that i dont know the answers, i cant translate it fast enough to make a full sentence without making a fool of myself. sheessshh how i wish i could get out of this language hell.

you know, those days when you just tune off your ears in public places but you just cant seem to avoid hearing what people are saying? yea, well apprently, now, when i tune off, i totally have the upper hand of being a total ignorant. not good. because i like listening to people. i like wacthing. i love seeing how people interact with one another. there was this one time, i coulndt even make out what a 4 year old and his mother were saying. mann, what a boost of self-esteem.

susah susah susaahhhh!

GODD this is tiring. and i LOVE to bitch over this on and on but its not like im going anywhere anyways. eh. wow. i never knew i really have this much of negativity in me. hmm someday, i'll know how to put a good use in it. in the meantime, i need to regain self confidence. sebab aku akan ada test oral!!! agghh.