i see butterflies with pistols

how can we lose ourselves? i mean, of course, we will change somewhow, along the line. its inevitable. but to realize that all the things that we know thats making us us are fading away, its just sucking you down. really deep.

(urgh i so got to say asap, eventhough this has nothing to do with this entry. my kek batik tasted like fucking rendang. urgh. making a mental note : no more opened tupperware in the fridge in the future!)

i used to take people that i meet personally. getting to know people, its exhilarating. everytime i talk to people, ill make a mental note of some sort, remembering the details of the conversation. and though there were some awkward pauses in between dialogues, you just wanna work it. how come i dont do that anymore? i never give a flying fuck what people say anymore. i even have difficulties remembering the names let alone working those awkward silences. for all i know, i try as fast as i can to get off. running to my comfort zone.

what? no more insane talking? no more conversation at the wrong time at the weirdest place? as far as i can remember, i was still the person who i thought i was two whole years ago. so what happened in between? i did had the lowest point in life back then, but i dont think that was the case. or was it? ooh its just weird.

and im not spontaneous anymore. i dont make decisions as fast as i used to be. i dont know what i wanted anymore. i lose respect to people and i dont feel respect being laid upon me. its like, life is just a blank canvas. apart from being a student, a friend of friends there isnt anything to look forward to. niente.

there were days when i thought i have opinions. opinions - the thing thats keeping me sane, keeping me going, keeping the sarcasm, keeping every single conversation just alive. maybe what im having is brain death of some sort. and this paralyzing pathology is bringing me down. but i want me. back.




or im just low on serotonin.



im a whiny whore. urgh. this my blueside.