WHAT A LOSER

hallo. my name is keshet and i have an addiction.

some people categorize my addiction as obsessive compulsive spectrum disorder (OCD) while some call it stereotypic movement disorder(SMD). i havent exactly been officially diagnosed since a lot of professionals out there dont really know whats going on about this addiction either.

i thought this addiction is just plain (but freaky) habit. like biting nails. i think its normal that people have this tendency to bite their nails, although i'd have to say its very unhygienic. but biting nails is different from what i have. because i've never actually met anybody who is as chronic as i am. until yesterday. apparently, only about 1%-3% of the population undergo this addiction. oh yes - they have found a name for it - trichotillomania.

this behavior has something to do with psychology. i guess my neurotransmitters just dont work too well. heheh. a lot of people who undergo this disorder usually were triggered by some stress environment or experienced sexual/physical/mental abuse. funny i started this addiction out of nothing. out of boredom maybe. it has been 8 years now and i dont even realize im doing it. sometimes when anxiety attacks, yes maybe, or sometimes when i think i wanna think, but in the end i ended up not thinking at all because im concentrating on it.

the way to cure is not yet available but treatment could do some good. the problem is, i either take a diet or take some medication. i can't go low carb, i'm a fucking student. and i can't take medication. because its either cannabis or prozac. hell i dont want to end up as a drug addict thank you very much. enough with depression and insomnia.

so now i need to be more alert to stay 'sober'. its like being alcoholic or drug addict, really. because you can and try to stay sober as long as you want but once you start on it again, bang! you're in the deep hole. again.


so, to me. PULL FREE!!

i don't care how much i get for the papers.










I. JUST. NEED. TO. PASS.

di kala kala ku sedang membuat lukisan kejuruteraan (yang kurang hajo ini) tiba-tiba baru ku sadari akan lirik lagu yang telah beribukali diputar dengan itunes ku. selama ini ku hanya suka mendengar melodinya yang agak rancak tapi bila ku amati liriknya, ia telah membuat ku tergelak kekehkehan.

"It Wasn't Me"
(Shaggy feat. Ricardo Ducent)

(Yo', man) Yo'
(Open up, man) What do you want, man?
(My girl just caught me) You let her catch you?
(I don't know how I let this happen) With who?
(The girl next door, you know) Man
(I don't know what to do) Say it wasn't you
(Alright)

Honey came in and she caught me red-handed
Creeping with the girl next door
Picture this, we were both butt naked
Bangin' on the bathroom floor

How could I forget that I had
Given her an extra key
All this time she was standing there
She never took her eyes off me

How you can grant the woman access to your villa
Trespasser and a witness while you cling to your pillow
You better watch your back before she turn into a killer
Best for you and the situation not to call the beaner
To be a true player you have to know how to play
If she say you're not, convince her say a day
Never admit to a word when she say makes a claim
And you tell her baby no way

But she caught me on the counter (It wasn't me)
Saw me bangin' on the sofa (It wasn't me)
I even had her in the shower (It wasn't me)
She even caught me on camera (It wasn't me)

She saw the marks on my shoulder (It wasn't me)
Heard the words that I told her (It wasn't me)
Heard the scream get louder (It wasn't me)
She stayed until it was over

Honey came in and she caught me red-handed
Creeping with the girl next door
Picture this, we were both butt naked
Bangin' on the bathroom floor

I had tried to keep her
From what she was about to see
Why should she believe me
When I told her it wasn't me

Make sure she knows it's not you and lead her on da right prefix
Whenever you should see her make da giggolo flex
As funny as it be by you, it not that complex
Seein is believin so you better change your specs
You know she not gonna be worrying bout things from the past
Hardly recollecting and then she'll go to noontime mass
Wait for your answer: go over there
But if she pack a gun you know you better run fast

But she caught me on the counter (It wasn't me)
Saw me bangin' on the sofa (It wasn't me)
I even had her in the shower (It wasn't me)
She even caught me on camera (It wasn't me)

She saw the marks on my shoulder (It wasn't me)
Heard the words that I told her (It wasn't me)
Heard the scream get louder (It wasn't me)
She stayed until it was over

Honey came in and she caught me red-handed
Creeping with the girl next door
Picture this, we were both butt naked
Bangin' on the bathroom floor

How could I forget that I had
Given her an extra key
All this time she was standing there
She never took her eyes off me

Gonna tell her that I'm sorry
For the pain that I've caused
I've been listenin to your reasonin
It makes no sense at all
We should tell her that I'm sorry
For the pain that I've caused
You may think that you're a player
But you're completely lost
That's why I sing

if i write entry almost everyday of the week that means;

1) i am very depressed
2) i have non-stop random thoughts
3) i just have some assignments due in the next few days

and right now, its the latter.

i know i have assignments and i'm trying to force my ass to stay put in front of the computer but the thing is, i can't put myself to finish my work. oh, in fact to start. my royal laziness is hard to beat!

so i find distractions. like polishing the silverware, every single mirror in the house, sweep the floor and since i don't own (yet) a vacuum cleaner, i sweep and pick up all the hair on the carpet, arranging papers, books, magazines (which dont need to be touched anyways), do the laundry, and finally make an apple pie.

hmmmmm...

and i've just started 0.1% of my assignment. its due on the 10th. and it consumes 10% of my finals.

so i guess i have priorities issue and i need to pull all-nighter.

yishhhhhh! mcmati!!!

kalau daripada ini....

MENJELMA MACAM NI...

kan bagus?

aku tak faham kenapa kebanyakan lelaki terutamanya lelaki melayu suka mengamalkan double standard.

kalau perempuan cakap banyak, lelaki kata bergosip.
kalau lelaki cakap banyak, kata 'we're doing some catching up'.
tapi kalau dapat perempuan tak happening, tak bercakap, kata buhsan.

kalau perempuan suka membeli belah, lelaki kata materialistik.
tapi lelaki pon tak bulih tahan tengok tanda sale, terutamanya pada jersey-jersey, barangan nike atau pon yang sewaktu dengannya.
dan ada hati hendak perempuan pandai dressing, kalau tak, kata selebet, kampung dan sebagainya.

kalau perempuan leleh air liur sikit tengok pelakon lelaki hollywood, kata perempuan ni memilih. dan bulih bising pulak kalau perempuan risau dengan berat badan.
padahal lelaki muka nak pecah rumah pon nak perempuan kurus, sexymeksi, seboleh bolehnya muka ada pan-asian.
yang paling teruk golongan yang suka menghina depan-depan mengatakan perempuan gemuk.


dalam hal-hal sebegini, siapa yang bersalah meletakkan standard-standard ke paras yang lebih tinggi?




tapi seperti yang dikatakan sebelum ini, KEBANYAKAN lelaki. tapi kalau ada yang terasa bahang, saya tidak bermaksud untuk mencakar balarkan ego anda.

cheerios y'all!

i am currently having a snowless winter.


its like having a VERY long autumn.


what a bummer.

EPISODE TWO OF CHRISTMAS BREAK

Day Two, Three and Four

-taki and i got into shopping mode and went into almost every shop to do a survey a.k.a nak book baju la konon dan menaruh harapan harga akan turun 50% on boxing day.

-picked up intan n friends. sorry intan. memang takle nak tahan kencing sesampai airport so i was in the mode of botol hunt.

-on day four i couldnt resist anymore. i saw 5pounds on the rack and grabbed whatever i think i liked. changing rooms dah tak main laa.

Day Five, 25th Dec

-macam sial ja satu manchester. walking in the city was like an experiece from Dawn of the Dead. there wasnt any bus on the streets and nando's pon tutup?? apa ni??

Day Six, Boxing Day

-hahahHAHAHA this is i think the most remembered day on my manchester trip. okay, i didnt tell anyone about this just to give the fellow readers the juiciest scoop. sorry taki intan niki..

-so anyways, intan and the gang woke up extremely early to box leaving us sleeping. taki then berkelam kabut to pick niki up. so i was basically left alone. and i took my own sweet time berlalalashowering since intan texted me there werent too many people boxing.

then things happenned. i didnt want to take the bus because as taki said, 'bus charge mahal gila masa boxing day!' so i strutted with confidence and i thought, 'piece of cake, we walked all over town yesterday.' and i strutted and strutted and - 'hey. apsal aku tak sampai-sampai lagi ni? i thought it took us less time yesterday than this. but everything still seemed familiar.'

until i reached the train station. which supposed to be nuts. (direct translation - kacang laaa). but its the other side of the train station. backside la kot. so i walked straight and at this point i totally depended on signboards. hahah because i didnt feel like going back and start all over again. piece of cake right? manchester isnt that big. and im walking so that means i'm not that lost. plus, the signboards are showing city center so that means i'm still not in city center.

i came to this tunnel and hell - scary berry okay?? very few cars and absolutely dimmed lights. okay, now i'm neither strutting nor walking. its called scramble. yes i was scrambling. and oh was i glad to be at the end of the tunnel because finally - sunlight! but to find an industrial area - huh?? so i stood there for two whole minutes figuring out - where the hell am i??

SHEFFIELD STREET was on the sign. there were two roads - one going into another tunnel and i think that was the way to the carpark and the other was going further more into the industrial area. ooookay. the sign to city center showed to go further into the industrial area but i really think i'm making a seriously big round of manchester.

should i go across the carpark and get out through the train station? but carparks are dangerous!

or should i just go into the kilangs area? when will i ever be in city center?

i am soooo not going back for what it is worth!

ugh. think!!!

and then, there came this car from the car park and stopped around 50 meters in front of me.

okay lized. time to go and ask.

but.. what if he's a pervert raper? or a psychotic serial killer? or a desperate robber who takes advantage of a lost foreigner? or even worse - he just simply doesn't care???

and when i walked past the car, i saw he was digging something at the back seat. fucking hell. i decided to walk away. the car then went into one of the factories and came out 3 minutes later and he looked at me. i guess he could smell the strong aroma of confusion and indecisiveness coming out from me.

ugh what the fuck. i should give him the benefit of the doubt!

me : ermm excuse me. you know which way should i take to get to city center?

driver : there * gesturing the creepy tunnel* . come, i'll take you there.

me : yea, you'd do that? thanks.

in the car ;

driver : so what are you doing back there?

me : figuring my way out.

driver : you do know that that was a red area, right?

me : what?? seriously?? nooo. no. omigosh. i was following the sign..

and then he asked couple of random questions like what was i doing in manchester.. blablabla. then he dropped me off at the bus station telling me which way to take and everything.

driver : oh and are you okay with cash?

me : umm yeah.

driver : you sure there?

me : yea yea. i'm TOTALLY fine. thanks.

dude, i got 150 pound in my wallet right freaking now, no worries. if you're a robber, this is your lucky day.

and so EVERYTHING seemed to be familiar again thanks to the driver and while working my way out i have done some self-reflecting.

-red area - either a no-entry area or place where hookers hang out. naseb pakai tudung bebbb!
-so he prolly thought i was short on cash since i didnt take any public transport.
-and ego kills.

but all in all, the whole thing didnt defeat my initial intention. hey, at least i got a free ride!!

so intan, remember that night when we wanted to go back to arndale and i asked you guys which way you took that morning? yea thats because i know jack which way to take.

-niki sampai. then kami bermakan-makan di nando's dan menonton PERFUME : THE STORY OF A MURDERER. a european film, thus a lot of nudity scenes. which can be totally ignored. not much of scripts thus VERY passionate expressions. i loved every plot.

-shopping dan shopping. tapi tak sesemangat intan.

-the rest was just good times with glace!!!

- i have no new year resolution whatsoever. sebab aku ni hangat-hangat tahi ayam. so dalam kepala saja. kalau tulis lagi tak mau buat.

-updates!!

EPISODE ONE OF CHRISTMAS BREAK

DAY ONE

-woke up extremely early and rehearsed every single change of train and flight and time. hoho. gabra jugak fly sorang-sorang.

-airport gate : apparently i was the only one flying to uk whos wearing hijab. black hijab, brown jaket and BIG brown boots. and yea, i was the only at the gate who got interrogated. panic waves for a while okay?? tapi muka control macho la. senyum manis kat pakcik interrogator tu biar dia cair sikit.

-flights were okay but at times i remembered final destination and langoliers. weird is, i've never thought of these when people i know were on the same plane. so i guess it must've been flying-alone paranoia.

-landed in style in manchester! dengan confident dan macho aku berjalan membeli tiket dan masuk train yang tidak diketahui kemana arahnya. so there were these two guys standing at the trains door.

me : um fährt der zug nach picadilly?

the 2 guys : huh???!!!

me : *oh yea crap. now i'm speaking german to english?* ehem. umm does .. this.. train.. go to picadilly?

(terhegeh nak cakap english. yela dengan siapa aku nak berborak dalam inggeris? oh yea and i pronounced picadilly as in pi-khe-delli)

the 2 guys : uh?

me : pi-KHE-delli.

the 2 guys : oh pi-ka-DELL-li. yea.

me : yea that. thanks. *aku mengamericanizedkan sangat ke pekataan tu??*

ugh that was embarrassing. first i spoke in german. second they stressed on how to pronounced the word in english. as in English. iye aku ini foreigner.

-entered taki's. welcomed by the aroma of ikan bilis goreng. huiii. terima kasiiih taki masak nasi lemak untuk aku.

-sesi bergitar sampai pengsan.

the stout fingers trying soo hard to look good in silhouette.

back in germany

muka selepas berboxing

i'll update later.

ehem.

testing..testing... dari manchester.

wuh. here we go. esok boxing day!!

holiday's spirit's everywhere!!

and aww look... i got patrick on my window sill.



hell yeahh, i am ghetto fabulous!!

i got to sayyy..

heroes's okay but the post-episode comic strips are tight bebeh! everything's making sense now.

like how eden got persuasive, and the extra bodies in the deserts.

fishing kul.





p/s : ingatkan collin pharrell. or david galagher. rupanya santiago cabrera. wuh. kehenseman. high not high.

im onto heroes now.

and i've been following the 4400 for 3 full seasons now, and still liking it. so i guess it kinda blows, because heroes is somewhat something similar.

but, hey, at least heroes has this pretty good leads lined up, so thats prolly why its a hit on american tv.

and because heroes is comic-based, i kinda thought its a combination of sin city and the 4400.





ugh sure whatevvvss. luck is, its sci-fi, its in my radius zone and im all wrapped up.

mindblowingly breathtaking

i know i've done this.

but i got so caught up in the moment and i just....

ughh.. i just have to shoooottttttt this.

forget about the previous shiteous quality snap and say helloooo to





well, it blew me away. at least.

angin maut sangat la!!!

tak bergerak basikal!!

kencang betul aku kena kayuh!

kalau hari-hari macam ni, besar kayu balak la kaki aku.













haihhh penaat..

ugghh its been 3 weeks now and i cant go to sleep without some tossin and turnin going on for about at least an hour.

ive thought of some alternatives but..

drinking warm milk it will just make my stomach go krukk krukk churn.
do 200 situps but i don want to go to sleep like a sweat machine
eat. like, a lot. big no no. its god damn winter!

so i am left with :

(a) knocking myself out with some drugs. like sleeping pills or couple of panadols. it'll be addictive but hey at least i can get some decent sleep.

or

(b) i stay self-righteous and keep tossin and turnin for hours. and get up all cranky because i know i didnt sleep well with all the weird dreams i get every night. if it isnt a dream, then its a constant waking up like, almost every 2 hours. and its even crappier because when i finally thought actually got a decent sleep, i ended up overslept and wasted half the day. perfect beginning!



and since all these are making me depressed, yea, i'll go with something stronger, like Trazodone.

ugh not being able to sleep sucks.


---------------------

of all the dreams i had, this one that stood out.

it was yellowish, like it was late evening or something. standard theme for most of my dreams so it wasnt anything special. so i was at some friend's, and the house was hella familiar. almost too familiar, like ive known the entire space all my life but i just cant place it.

surrounding me were all familiar faces, but now i cant remember any. i took up a cup of tea and saw - a cub. a tiger cub in a baby's crib right in front of me. and 2 seconds after i laid my eyes on him, he crashed the crib's bar and jumped out on me.

it was bewildering but somehow.. pleasant. i dont know what happened, and everything was rather vague but i guess after some time there was this boy, aged 7-8 years old, sitting beside me. i was being me, eating away like there will never be tomorrow, and this boy... tilted his head and rested it on my right shoulder.

and this feeling hit me again. like the feeling when the tiger cub jumped out on me. i guess they were the same person/thing. i dont know. at that point i just trusted what i felt. and we bonded. he was so damn fine. all polite to my friends. siap salam cium tangan. and he clinged to me like he had no other person to go to.

me : who took care of you?
cub boy : mama.
me : and where is mama now?
cub boy : i dont know.

well i wasnt sure which mama. was it my mama, his, i dont know. all i know, he's my responsibility. like a big sister. but obviously we were not related genetically. because he's somewhat caucasian, and i'm.. well ya know what i'm like. heh.

but the hair, the eyes. i swear i can still remember them. it was sooo profound, what i felt.

and then i lost him. i heard somebody was taking him away to.. um somewhere foreign. i cant remember. so while i was out, looking for him, i ended up being in this very extremely big building, and attending somewhat of an interview. people were throwing silk blouses and scarfs at me, asking me to style this very extremely stunning tall blonde lady, who in 5 secs will be on the runway.

huh???!!! aku stylist??!!!

and thats it. i woke up because somebody rang the bell.







hahahaHAHAHAHAHAH. mesti sakit hati baca mimpi aku yang tak ada conclusion.

but what i felt was real. still does.

i know a witch. a very wicked one.

but when you see her, you cant see the true her. she has an invisible cloak that puts you under a spell. the demonic side of her is mysteriously concealed. everything she says will seem nice, and sweet, and sugar-coated.

but i cant be fooled.

i cant run either. and hide.

and in my sleep, she does things. very evil things.

her devilry is more than ursula's, cruella deville's, darla's, drussilla's, the dark witch's or even paris hilton's combined altogether.






she. is. the. ultimate. femme. fatale.