how can we lose ourselves? i mean, of course, we will change somewhow, along the line. its inevitable. but to realize that all the things that we know thats making us us are fading away, its just sucking you down. really deep.

(urgh i so got to say asap, eventhough this has nothing to do with this entry. my kek batik tasted like fucking rendang. urgh. making a mental note : no more opened tupperware in the fridge in the future!)

i used to take people that i meet personally. getting to know people, its exhilarating. everytime i talk to people, ill make a mental note of some sort, remembering the details of the conversation. and though there were some awkward pauses in between dialogues, you just wanna work it. how come i dont do that anymore? i never give a flying fuck what people say anymore. i even have difficulties remembering the names let alone working those awkward silences. for all i know, i try as fast as i can to get off. running to my comfort zone.

what? no more insane talking? no more conversation at the wrong time at the weirdest place? as far as i can remember, i was still the person who i thought i was two whole years ago. so what happened in between? i did had the lowest point in life back then, but i dont think that was the case. or was it? ooh its just weird.

and im not spontaneous anymore. i dont make decisions as fast as i used to be. i dont know what i wanted anymore. i lose respect to people and i dont feel respect being laid upon me. its like, life is just a blank canvas. apart from being a student, a friend of friends there isnt anything to look forward to. niente.

there were days when i thought i have opinions. opinions - the thing thats keeping me sane, keeping me going, keeping the sarcasm, keeping every single conversation just alive. maybe what im having is brain death of some sort. and this paralyzing pathology is bringing me down. but i want me. back.




or im just low on serotonin.



im a whiny whore. urgh. this my blueside.

ok so im not really yet in the mood to write. but i got a handful lot of things going on in my head. and im not writing. and so i got these dialogues in my head, these sentences just go on and on and on and at some times, because i dont write, i speak it out.

seriesly.

seriesly.

i mean seriesly.

i. am. a. basketcase.

who would just talk to themselves? out loud? when nobody's around?

me. its practically insane.

all because i asked for drama. well i got what i asked. but hell, i dont want a stupid, childisch, meaningless, pettifogging drama. pasal rumah jadi host raya untuk bocholt. one side wanted to be this nazi freak - controlling every single decision there is to be made, since this side obviously has the ownership of the house. and the other - tak paham bahasa. i dont understand both sides. i seriesly, utterly dont and i dont give a flying fuck about it anymore.

i asked for adrenaline rush. something that makes my life not monotenous. o shit aku lupa nak tulis apa. huahua. dah emo emo lupa pulak.

aaaaaaaaanyways, raya masih sebulan. and i still think malam raya was the best, sebab dah lama tak main bunga api. pictures were blur but hell, main focus were bunga api.









ok. so i kept this entry in draft because i couldnt upload my stupid pics main bunga api. pape la givap. nanti buleh aplod aku aplod.

-apsal aku rasa serabuutt ni? sebab aku tengah period ke? takkan kot. yisshhhh padahal tada papa pon. arghh jiwa kacau jiwa kacau!

-sedih la aku cenggini.. bila aku travel ja, aku asik lupa nak bawak charger tepon. aaa tengok apa dah jadi? beraya nak mak bapak pon dah delay.

-tapi tibak aku jiwa kosong. eh cane eh? serabut la, tapi kosong. sebab semua dah pisah pisah pergi tempat memasing. so aku kembali ke bocholt ditemani lembu-lembu yang tidak jemu meragut rumput.

-hahaha tapi buat julung-julung kalinya aku jumpa orang yang buleh buktikan yang bertepuk sebelah tangan itu ada bunyinya. kakaka. shit aku tak penah jumpa lagi orang gila macam ni. in a pleasant way. and that made my day.

aishh pening jugak beraya sekala besar-besaran gaya student ni.

aku belum sampai rumah. penat otak belum hilang, apatah lagi penat badan.

esok lusa aku update.

shit betul IKEA ni.

shit lagi aku ade praktikal Werkstoffkunde jemaat ni. maknanya aku kena pergi kelas si Ibach tu.

dengar desas desus dia ni suka tanya student reason kenapa tak datang kelas dia. mati aku. dua minggu tak datang. apa aku nak jawab? kanser? aissh. tambah pening ja dia ni.

uish. heart attack jugak bila tengok cerita buffy ni sorang sorang dalam rumah ni. speaker kuat mengalahkan home theather. da la rumah kosong. tinggal aku sorang pulak tu. heater tu dah la bergendang-gendut macam parampuk nak pecah rumah. nasib baik ini bulan ramadhan bulan mulia.

elly beraya di bremen.
ok so kuih muih kensel.
brownie dah siap kita pack.
baju raya dah sampai kita pack jugak.
kerepek pedas patut sampai esok pagi. kita pack jugak.
peti ais kosong so kita lari pi raya rumah orang.
sebaik-baiknya melayu, berkahwin dengan orang german, dan gumbira jikalau mendapat tatamu berasal daripada malaysia.
iyaaahhh. tahun ini kita beraya di osnabrueck!

cepatt packing!



kapada rakan-rakan yang selalu menyinggah di sayakodi.blogspot.com, sekiranya saya terlalu ngenjoy di muenster/osnabrueck dan tidak menyempat-nyempat online sebelum raya, ingin saya ucapkan,

SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI
Maaf Zahir Batin
Kirim salam kepada keluarga anda
Terima kasih akan sokongan anda selama ini


Terutamanya kepada GlaceGladiators 9903
Muaacckkksss!! Sayang anda semua!

so....

cordelia has the hots for angel.
but angel loves buffy.
and buffy loves angel.
but darla fucked angel, and got connor.
who fell in love with cordelia.
and then they fucked each other.
and got this evil goddess from another dimension, jasmine.
then angel killed connor.
and connor was born. again.






uhhhhh, yea drama.

is this the reason why i think my life is such a lame-o or im just an autistic?

or im just a freak watching all these stuff?




pffftt.

holy congkak bergoli. im hooked. on buffy. the vampire slayer. i mean, wtf?? i kinda thought its a passe, but watching the first episode of the first season, not bad. not bad at all. now i remember why i was sneaking in the middle of night out of my room to the kitchen 9 years ago.

and yeah, david boreanaz looked hot as - whats hotter than hell? cant tell. my point is, hes very, extremely attractive and even a straight guy would say hes hot. and people still tell me i have weird taste in men. i dont get it. i honestly, utterly, uncharacteristically , just dont get it.

people, make a mental note. watching buffy is not lame. thinking david boreanaz was hot - and still is - is not lame. i am not lame.




sheesh. im living in denial. i lost myself. fail to find me back.

Petronas F1 Malay Boy

pergh. pekat sial accent die. terkojut den budak ni buleh cakap gemen.

me=vain dalam baju raya di rumah baru/kosong

ok gamba raya dah siap. hahah aku segan nak letak sebab poyo sangat.. lalala. kalo aku dah siap trensper kang, aku upload kat vainpot centre aku.

--------------------------
finally, the housewarming/besday elly/jamuan bukak posa happened. pendek cerita, perut kenyang, hati ceria.

masak fever stops today, finally. penat lelah buat karipap, caramel, paprik, rendang itu ini, i dont think ill be cooking for the rest of the week. tapi masalah. raya's in one week time. promised myself to bake brownie, serta kuih muih. rendang sekali lagi. patah la pinggang. tapi, membe/raya punya pasal, besar la hati orang nak datang rumah. yang berada di sebelah padang ragut lembu ini. eh. aku rasa aku tulis ayat penuh dengan tanda titik nokhtah.

aaaaanyways, my point is, the backpain is here again. my dirty clothes start to pile up to my waist. the washing machine is 3 weeks late. and i hate school. tak mo pi kelas esok. period.

One In A Million Audition - Nazri Jipun




ahaha i dig this guy. big. yea, people say sometimes i got a really weird taste in men. but he stands out sooooo much, tak tahan lo! since host disembed, click here

ugh what is it ??

i dont understand. i friggin cant.

so whats with the mixed signals, mann?

dont play games with my head. im slow.


hahah and to think i need more time. sheesh.





keshet, the expiration date is due. just move on. should i? hm. i demn should.

oh no. o no no no no.

shit. my secret crush has been detected! im gonna die. of shame.

this is sooo wrong. i am panicking. god! i feel heat rushing up to my face.

thank god im sitting in front of the screen. not in front of any sort of breathing creatures.

shit.

life is so unfair.

life is soo unfair.

life is so unfair.

life is SOOOOOO unfair.



i swear.

i never knew that language could be THIS hard. all my life i never really have to work hard for languages. let it be english nor bm. french is, of course, an acceptance. i dont have to work my ass off for something that i dont really need. but deutsch, huih, lemme tell you. it's painstakingly hard.

i mean, its not hard learningwise. anyone could just do it with eyes closed, but man, this is the real world. i go to class and its sooo darn sad because i dont understand 60% of whats being said. because i cant. i freaking cant. i mean, things that i have learned, yea, no biggie to comprehend but those newbies and those jokes.. seriously, its bad. it doesnt sound as bad, but just going through this, is bad enough. how come i never felt this these past few months, i dont know. prolly because i usually go one on one, like they know i wouldnt understand if they speak fast enough. but going to lectures, seriously. think its better for me to do home study. its not like it makes any difference if i dont go to class.

and when i need to speak with people, i have to give 120% concentration just to understand, well i dont know, 65% of what they are really saying. this is pathetic case. technik terms are soo hard to understand. cant we just use one language?? yish. and classes are soo interactive. i cant stand being the quiet one. its not that i dont know the answers, i cant translate it fast enough to make a full sentence without making a fool of myself. sheessshh how i wish i could get out of this language hell.

you know, those days when you just tune off your ears in public places but you just cant seem to avoid hearing what people are saying? yea, well apprently, now, when i tune off, i totally have the upper hand of being a total ignorant. not good. because i like listening to people. i like wacthing. i love seeing how people interact with one another. there was this one time, i coulndt even make out what a 4 year old and his mother were saying. mann, what a boost of self-esteem.

susah susah susaahhhh!

GODD this is tiring. and i LOVE to bitch over this on and on but its not like im going anywhere anyways. eh. wow. i never knew i really have this much of negativity in me. hmm someday, i'll know how to put a good use in it. in the meantime, i need to regain self confidence. sebab aku akan ada test oral!!! agghh.

psst. got a secret. i secretly think that one of my friends looked like jake gyllenhaal. i swear if i ever tell anyone who knows him that i think that, i'll be dead. pronto. jake, lelaki yahudi kacak dengan rambut gelap serta mempunyai sepasang mata dalam berwarna biru. tidak dapat disangkal lesung pipitnya juga ada daya penarik tersendiri. keh keh. well anyways, i know they dont have the same set of eyes, or even the same nostrils but somehow, between those facial lines, i swear i see jake in him, and i see him in jake. which is soooo demn weird!

and so i saw brokeback mountain. huih adrenaline rush. anyways since i soo see this friend of mine in jake, its kinda weirded me off just to hold a conversation with him cause i got this flashes of visual images of brokeback mountain. yishh. man. yissshh.





ps : this friend of mine, dia melayu. kaw kaw.

Miss Saigon Medley

reminiscence of bad school days. haihhh..

oh and shit i deleted my 'aku menjerit macam gajah tersunggkur langgar babi hutan' entry.kah kah.

UPDATES!!!!

Ok guys. aku dah update. good luck, suckers!!! panjang siul. but since aku update ikut kronologi you guys have to scroll upwards not downwards. watever the dates will tell when i wrote what.








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saturday , 23.09.2006


-ooomg i finished watching gol dan gincu the series season 1. script not bad. story line yeaa getting warmer.but lead actor/actress suck! fazura and pierre andre. thannks for ruining the whole thing. was directors fault as well. hamenede la? pierre andre was demn stiff and fazura. omg fazura. menyampah sial aku nak habiskan cite tuh. naseb ade pelakon pembantu yang berjaya menaikkan seri.

i thought i hated sazzy falak. i got this assumption that shes the Bitch. apparently, she can act. talent mannn talent she got there. i know putris suppose to be this bimbo versi melayu but halluuu its not it. i saw bimbo melayu real life. what she got there was beginners act. aku komplen bukan nak kata aku pandai berlakon but hey, im not the one on the screen every single week on national tv. i know they have to speak english konon-konon nak tunjuk yang diorang ni kl lites/kaya/heppening/sosial. but hey, its sooo typical to show that people who can speak english have english accent when they speak malay.

kamooonnnnnn la. yo fazura. polish up your accent. you're an actress now, dont you think you should do something about it? if maya karin can do it why not you? its not like your being raised by americans/english. ashraf sinclair pon buleh cakap elok-elok. in fact i think you should even polish up your english accent. make up your mind. one time youre pronouncing things in english accent, and another time you do it in american. kalau tak boleh sangat clean it up. have a clear malay accent. tak payah nak campur-campur. dah la line cliche, you should at least make it your own. kalo setakat cenggitu aku pon buleh berlakon. credits to sazzy falak. i thought shes the only one with clear english/malay accent. kalo cakap melayu cakap elok-elok. kalo cakap inggeris cakap elok-elok. kalo tak orang menyampah.

pierre andre pulak stiff gila babi. kalo tengok filem salon, omg the first 20 minutes dont even attract me to watch any further. he was demn stiff, lead actress in that film was stiff as well. stereotype, ikut skrip. dia pon ada accent mengada bila cakap melayu. aaanyways my point is, he gave me a bad impression that he couldnt act and again succesfully proved that he actually couldnt. whats to it even if you have a great name/famous family member and an eligible bachelor? acting fail. but that guy who played haikal, he was good as hell. when hes suppose to be a jerk, he was and i thought he was kinda annoying. and when he was suppose to be funny, he was. and aku suka pulak dia. not that im saying i have a crush on him. cause i dont. kudos for his acting, though.

-uih. malaysian filming/broadcast is improving huh? i thought yesterday they were talking about censorship and today we are producing films that are not recluctant whatsoever to display emotions physically on the screen. gut example is gubra. hmmm although the actors/actress are not stiff and daring tapi.... hmm pe buleh buat, malaysia dah memang macam tu. and im embarrassed man, the majority of malaysia are muslims. i cant answer back when people(non muslims) ask us about why what i do, what i explain about islam differ totally from what they show on the screen. demn. i dont know. i cant answer that. i sooo demn embarressed mannn. peluk sana sini, cium sana sini. kalau nak pakai tudung kenapa pakai yang jarang-jarang, as if nak tunjuk alim tapi nak tunjuk satu dunia jugak dia ada rambut. tak pakai tak payah pakai. jangan on/off. people often knew malaysia as an islamic country, which is not. although we are the majority. but when the germans ask, do they sell alcohol there?, or they sell pork?, and i told thyea you can find them everywhere, they kinda give me that look. that i-thought-they-are-muslims? kinda look. mannnn, now people think that we are too freaking secular. hahahah which i cant deny that we are. alah if leaders of the country minum arak macam tunggang air mineral, aku sekecil ni macam mana nak defend negara dan agama sorang-sorang? dah terang benderang mata dunia tengok kita minum arak. raja-raja. ketua agama dan adat resam konon. tengok pergi royal parties kat tangan pegang martini, champagne. hmmmm... tak sebut lagi perangai belakang tabir. welll aaaanyways penat la kasi impression pasal negara seniri, kalau orang besar-besar tak reti nak jaga. bukan menteri saja, malahan pelakon, director, skripwriter, semua pon ambil la peranan masing-masing.

i am sooo demn confused with asians these days. we are so proud to be asians, but at the same time we are contradicting ourselves by being americanized. i mean, not just malaysians, chinese, japs. they hated english speaking people, saying that their language are better than the rest of the world, but seriously, they dont act like they are suppose to anymore. ethnocentric yeaaa but lie. they just humph if they feel like it. they live together in a house. that aint no asian if you ask me.

-kakakaka so im bitching around because apparently i have nothing to do but laze around and kill myself with dvds/series. less than two weeks i finished the 4400 season 1,2,3, desperate housewives season 2, americas next top model season 3,6, gol dan gincu season 1, combos of movies, anugerah era, currently catching up with one in a million (i heart faizal. and nanananaaazri jipun), the apprentice season 5, and couple of japs/korean series. whoa. mana otak aku tak lembab/pelupa?

-oh pms/period pain suck. big time. i have stomach when im having pms (keh keh even if i dont have it i have stomach but its waaayyy too obvious when pms) and i tend to eat a lot. not that i dont. but demn. A LOT. and my breasts kinda got swollen because of the hormonal changes. that hurts mann. and then i get emotional. ish ingat jadik perempuan ni senang ka? nampak senang la but the hormones in us, they're just going crazy man. then comes period. and period pain. sakit wooo. perut masih buncit. and to think that i have to go through this every single month for another 30-40 years. emmm unless i got pregnant. which not gonna be more than 3 times. so maximal im not gonna go through pms/period pain for about 27 months in my life (before menopause), that aint so motivating i'd say. in fact, even scarier cause i'll be carrying around a kid me for those 27 months. can life be more complicated than this? but hey, these ARE the creation from Him. who can question?







___________________________________________________________________________




Friday, 22.09.2006

hahah finallly, i found an apartment that i fell in love with on the first sight. totally empty except the kitchen but, i loved it cause i can interior design maself. mannnnnn, finally aku buleh design seniri bilik aku the way i want it to be. so now since im into green, black and white/cream, tats how my rooms gonnabe.

so basically i bought my bed wit black metal rim, a lush black table, black/green wheeled chair, white rack, black metal rimmed kleiderschrank with creamish white cloth(which totally match ma bed), two green/cream wall lamp. greenish things are coming soon. green ikea stuffs are like shrots man. they suck. they dun even have gut bed sheets. now i need to go and hunt down some green stuffs. and im gonna get me some fishes and cactus. and since im in the mood of ramandhan and raya (budak sini suma dah siap sound suruh buat rendang, mentang2 ada dua budak perempuan ja), i already bought lampu raya. aaaalaaaaaaaahhhhh yang kelip kelip macam cite meteor garden tuuu.. kah kah sama la org sini jual sebab halloween nak dekat, aku siap2 beli sebab nak masuk bulan posa... lala. semangat nyaaa! nobody or nothing should kill ma mood since i feel this great, or i wont go to class.

haahahahahahahahahahahahahahah it feels great when you have a place on your own. sooo im thinking of getting a plasma tv. keh keh. aku balik mesia aku buleh jadi pengangur terkaya. mana ada can balik mesia nanti nak beli pelik pelik. sementara aku ada duit baik aku beli.

anywaysss credits to shaz cause he helped a lot during this pindah/interiors hunting period. speaking of him man i never thought i would meet a guy, same age, who has the same music taste. as in classic music/golden oldies/music in the 90s/mando diao(!!!!!!). and thank god hes not into rap/linking park/music pening kepala/anything i thought that wouldve been lame. mann, its like, wow. not that im saying its attractive. i mean, it is. but not sexually attractive, only mentally. if there is such thing. macam soulmate. kakakakakaka no no no. hoi die laki orang hoi dun get any funny ideas. anywaysssss, its just, wow.

god, banyak la aku nak tulis tapi dah lupa pulak. i was supposed to bitch over my first 3 sucked weeks around here. tapi sebab dah excited nak mati dapat rumah yang aku suka, aku lupa dah semua. o yea, im moving around here with a bike. kakakakaka 50 tahun aku tak naik beskal, sekali kene naik beskal 5 tahun akan datang. since im prone to accidents, banyak la jugak accident aku ngan beskal, nak jatuh/brake mengejut sampai terlompat dari axis beskal/salah row jalan (germans are very serious when it comes to cycling/driving. so even with a bike you have to ride it on the right side. if not - tiket saman mai.)/nak parking pon susah sebab beskal berat siutt. pretty much catastrophic.

oooooooooo im really worried. ive been really forgetful these days. like, really REALLY forgetful. like, seriously forgetful as in, when im in a conversation and i was sooooo darn excited telling about it, and suddenly somebody just interrupt me with a non-relating question, and i respond, then, zap! i forgot i even said anything before that. weird huh? and i dun even wanna to remember. that person wasnt me mannnn. im suppose to be alll excited to tell somebody a story. and im suppose to know what i was talking about. and i dun even imitate people anymore. not that im dun want to, but i cant. i cant. i cant? why a? the fun in telling a story/conversation/event isnt there anymore. i think its because i cant remember the details
of the story/conversation/event clearly and thus i tend to just synosized it. thats baaaad. how am i suppose to convey the real situation? last time i just have to replay the scenario and let other people just do the assumptions. at least, im not the one whos conveying the whole situation as what i think or what i see. people see it in their own interpretations. now, i just translate everything into words. which i dun think its that gut cause the choices of wrong words could make me spreading another story, of my own, in my own words, and somehow, i could end up in hell from spreading fitnah. kah kah. serious jugak aku pikir. tapi betul la. ade alzheimer ke aku? watching that korean "a moment to remember" its really scary. dan sedih lah. ish ke sebab hati gelap tu la sebab jadi pelupa? aaahhh takut la. jaga makan jaga lidah jaga iman. hmm.










p/s: duit dah masuk. dan baru habis because of all the furniture. and im serious as hell about that plasma tv.





___________________________________________________________________

tuesday, 05092006


ohhh darn. im soo fucking broke. so fucking broke. im, like, the brokest of them brokes. haishhh.

sedih la aku cenggini.. financial back up lansong tak ada. the thing is, everyone's broke. especially those here in bocholt. i refuse to call up my parents. in case they asked about my financial status. issshh mati aku je kena lecture.

i have minus-minus kredit in the bank. and i have around €25 in my wallet. if i count up my coins, (lucky for me, i have some coins save) i got like around €16. got to keep being thrifty till for another week. nasib baik talipon guna line. kalo kredit? cant even imagine.

so right now im surviving eating fruits, breads and yogurts. thats all i can afford. well, at least that covers up my fucking fat arse. ngahahaha serves me right sebab makan macam tong dolu2. sekarang tak payah susah-susah nak exercise. tapi aku still besa macam gajah.

my optimism is running out. soo fakken tiring staying here. apperently, we got a place to stay but its a hostel. not like a hostel like students can stay, but more like a place where students stay for a hols. hullo??! i have to pay like around €290 for a month! that means, you have to pay for about €30 for a night. i wouldnt stay here even if im in hols. and i have to pay extra if i wanna use the washing mashine. no internet. if i wanna use internet,i gotta pay €1 for half an hour. aku duduk kat bandar besa maca cologne pon satu jam satu euro je. in this ghetto place. this isnt remotely near any civilisation. everything here is expensive.


anywhooooo, this isnt the lowest point of my life. in fact im kinda sursprised that i almost didnt feel anything. almost. i felt worse. and it feels even great that im not that sad. coz now i know, money isnt everything to me. hmm.

tapi........














cepat la aku dapat rumah.
cepat la masuk duit.
cepat la
cepat la
cepat la.