NEED. TO. FIND. A. WALKING. SOLACE. PRONTO!

i used to think that self-improvement is self-masturbation. brings nothing but arrogance. but i guess i kinda figured it was actually a lame excuse for my own shortcomings.

because i have no sense of competition at all. for i dont care if people around me are progressing, becoming a better person as a whole. that has no effect on me whatsoever. unless if i wanted something for myself, then i'll start scraping my way out.

but the thing is, im already in the state of cryptobiosis. and im complacent with where i am. until recently.

so i guess life has shown me the reflection of complacency that i have brought upon myself. not thrilling, in general. and in a way, reflects arrogance as well.

and then i learn, from the people that i have so much respect for, over and over again, that they have never in their life being under the spell of self-approbation. some might even call it greed. well whatever they need to say to themselves to help them to sleep at night.

now i'm game.

so i watched kate moennig making out with ian somerhalder.

tak tahu kenapa..

hati aku yang berbunga-bunga.



iyalah dua orang yang aku rasa sangat panas bersama.. huhuh aku yang membara.

this ad here is soo whack, i cant keep my face straight when my boss spoke english.



we always got confused, cause when he said thick - we thought its sig (as is sigma).

and ultimately, when he says, 'i sink... that....'

watch the vid, you'll understand.

14th march

i turn twenty bleeping one.

einstein died.

its pi day.

and im having maths final.


how more mathematical can today be??



p/s : best jugak makan goreng(nasi+pisang) pagi-pagi. muahahahaha

yea okay since issue gay o straight is out, i just wanted to confess something.

i am straight.

but looking at shane, just standing there, on screen, this just hits me.

am i straight? am i straight?? am i??? cause if i am, then im not suppose to feel this.

ngahaha but justification after justification;

• just think, les sex is soo petty. you know what i mean if you know the L word. a lot of work to ensure 2 women actually undergo orgasm.
• i am religious. im not saying im pious, but im religious. hahah.
• emm thats it. i think my first and second justifications are strong enough.

so, yes. i am damn straight.



but what the heck. if shane (and only shane alone) wanna make out (and make out alone, no dildos no nothing) with me, why not?? what are the odds anyways? you tell me.

boleh tak sekali dalam seumur hidup aku sekurang-kurangnya sekali aku rasa aku sebenarnya bersedia untuk melangkah masuk dalam dewan peperiksaan??

hmm.

i dont need muses. i just need one.

the ying to my yang.

the gravity to pull me back when im drifting.

the oxygen when i suffocate.

the tyler durden of my fight club.

like the zanpakutou of a shinigami.

the clearasil to my zit.

the dictionary to my deutsch.

The Muse. my muse.


thats all.

now i can remember.

what does it really mean if i had more than 4 dreams that took place at the same background? it was my childhood house till im around 9-10 years old.

remember the tiger kid that jumped up on me? yea now i remember. i was in the house. my childhood house.

and i had another dream in which i had to build a room into a sound and smellproof one. because my boss (former) wanted to conceal a murder. since the fact that his stupidity is apparent, therefore i wouldnt even want to waste my time (not that time really is essential in dreams) to question him why wouldnt he just bury the corpse and let it decay. my point is, the room is in my childhood house.

and there were a few more.

questions questions questions.

or am i just paranoid to analyze every single dream that i can remember?

speaking of dreams that i can remember, couple of days ago i dreamt of two siput babis mating. geli nak mati. but then again its prolly an effect watching the L word.

ngehngeh.

kate moennig is somewhat meg ryan meets milla jovovich. and somewhere between those two there's ellen degenerees.

simply stunning.

this is what they call girl crush?

no. nothing serious. just adoration. great actress, though.

work is dunzo. finally im off from The psychotic Pervs.

imagine how torturing it is to sit in the office with him staring at the computer for more than 6 hours every single day of the week including on saturdays. aku belajar pon tak macam gitu. but oh wait - bila aku belajar pon?

anyway.

i cant fucking stand his voice answering the phone. so full of .. shit. and hipocracy. if at the other end of the line is a woman, he would say things like, "oh you have a very beautiful voice" or "surely a very nice lady like you yourself can work things out".

oh okay, so you think, 'whats wrong with being charming?'
but honey, i tell you this. he is not charming. he's just being.. yish.. menggelikan. oh and if he's talking to a guy, then he would be telling about the girls working for him aka "oh right now im having these two hubsches malaysian girls, bla bla" or "i had this girl working for me this one time, bla bla.." or "oh yea, yea, i remember that girl. bla bla bla". perempuan perempuan perempuan.

but finally when his mom barged in the office (guess what - he lives with his parents. and he's, like, 40 something. L.O.S.E.R) lectured him for hiring different girls every single month. his mom was soooo pissed off that she actually warned this new russian girl that her son is very the miang. kakakakakakakaka i swear to god it was so fakken painful to keep my face straight. at the time. the (biatch) secretary told me that the russian girl is the 3rd girl of the month (february at the time).

oh. rupenye telenovela jugak orang german ni. the best part was when the mother came in to have yet another cat fight and he took the vacuum cleaner and vacuumed the carpet. i mean, wtf is going on??? ngahahaha and the song secreto de amor came into my mind and played non-stop the whole day. (sebab satu lagu tu je lagu telenovela yang lekat dalam otak masa tu)

anyway.

worse of all. i cant fucking stand his sense of humor.
he thinks a muslim woman taking off her cap (the cap he asked to wear) is funny. i know. i dont get it either. but apparently, when he asked me to take my cap off and i made a face, he then laughed and said it was just a joke. in front of the whole staff. fucker.

i still find it okay, if he offers us vodka or tea with alcohol. ha ha. but to repeat them like 10 times at different times - please la bitch. if i dont even curve my lips to smile then its just time to wrap it around your head - its. not. funny.

and telling people i'm his girlfriend. Puke!! Puke!!!!!! and he's shorter than me!!

and he always touches my shoulder when i'm off guard. and then said, 'im joking.' i had gossebumps everytime. fuck it man - its sexual harassment!!!!!

aku geli ahhh laki miang!!! get a hooker lah oi! aku bagi pelempang hang tuah baru tahu.

okay, so another point which made me think - oh ada lagi kah orang sebegini di negara maju ini??

all the computers in his office (ada 3 je pon) were all oldschool. i mean, no prob. but microsoft office pon tak ada original- apa cerita? doesnt he know that its actually illegal for a company to do such thing?

and then his diskette drive broke down. he wanted to test the drive with other diskettes and asked me if i own one. i was like, ' no i dun own diskettes. at all.' and he asked, 'what??! diskettes are not modern anymore??' and i was, 'ummm yap. pretty much. most laptops dont have built in diskette drives anymore.' and he asked, 'so what do people use these days?'

i gagged. i couldnt put on my poker face this time. it was just reflex and my jaw dropped.

'people use.. USB or CD i guess. even better if you have bluetooth' (which i highly doubt).

'so you have any idea to transfer these files to another computer asap?'

'yea, you could use my ipod for a while'

and he stared unbelievably because it has never occur to him that an mp3 player could save files. maybe he just doesnt get the whole idea of an mp3 player in the first place.

god i miss tektronix. this work experience hasnt contribute to me educationally at all. unless planting a 15 feet tree is educational.