i see butterflies with pistols

hallo. my name is keshet and i have an addiction.

some people categorize my addiction as obsessive compulsive spectrum disorder (OCD) while some call it stereotypic movement disorder(SMD). i havent exactly been officially diagnosed since a lot of professionals out there dont really know whats going on about this addiction either.

i thought this addiction is just plain (but freaky) habit. like biting nails. i think its normal that people have this tendency to bite their nails, although i'd have to say its very unhygienic. but biting nails is different from what i have. because i've never actually met anybody who is as chronic as i am. until yesterday. apparently, only about 1%-3% of the population undergo this addiction. oh yes - they have found a name for it - trichotillomania.

this behavior has something to do with psychology. i guess my neurotransmitters just dont work too well. heheh. a lot of people who undergo this disorder usually were triggered by some stress environment or experienced sexual/physical/mental abuse. funny i started this addiction out of nothing. out of boredom maybe. it has been 8 years now and i dont even realize im doing it. sometimes when anxiety attacks, yes maybe, or sometimes when i think i wanna think, but in the end i ended up not thinking at all because im concentrating on it.

the way to cure is not yet available but treatment could do some good. the problem is, i either take a diet or take some medication. i can't go low carb, i'm a fucking student. and i can't take medication. because its either cannabis or prozac. hell i dont want to end up as a drug addict thank you very much. enough with depression and insomnia.

so now i need to be more alert to stay 'sober'. its like being alcoholic or drug addict, really. because you can and try to stay sober as long as you want but once you start on it again, bang! you're in the deep hole. again.


so, to me. PULL FREE!!